I've been away since my last thread locked, but it was good for me to be on my own for a bit. I've really enjoyed the past few days of doing nothing but things related to me and getting my financial and personal life into shape. Needless to say, I feel very good and had a wonderful day today.
Today, I stayed in b/c my car had issues last night and I needed to take it to the mechanic to figure out what was wrong. I feared the alternator or an electrical issue under the dash, but luckily it was nothing more than a dead battery. Now, you may think I'm stupid for not thinking of this first, and it wouldn't be the first time I've been considered to be stupid. However, the battery was only a month old, so I didn't even think there was a shot at it being the problem. Well, I got the one lemon battery in the bunch, so long story short, I didn't have to spend a dime today on my car.
So, my car was fixed as of 9 am, so the rest of the day was mine. I had my classes covered so I didn't worry about going in and instead made some calls on my finances, visited the bank about a line of credit, and hit the gym, not once, but twice. Once to run hard for an hour and the second time to lift.
I then talked to my D and took my dog to the dog park for some social time. He had a blast and it was at the park where I had the breakthrough of sorts that led to my latest title.
See, I was talking to another Italian Greyhound owner who breeds his girls and he mentioned what a shame it was that my little guy was fixed. I replied "it was my ex-wife's idea to fix him."
That made me think. It was her idea and she got her way. I started to think some more and realized it was always her way on everything. I'm not just spewing sour grapes here, but being really honest. Every decision we made had to be approved by her or it wasn't made. PERIOD!
It was such a wonderful and uplifting moment for me. I know a relationship w/ my XW is unhealthy for me and now I understand how lucky I truly am as this may very well be a blessing in disguise. It has been a tough one to swallow - and I'm still trying to choke some of it down - but now I understand why this needed to happen.
I was forced to be "free" in order to finally be able to do the things for me. I now understand I can become whomever and whatever I wish w/no one holding me back but myself. All my thoughts, dreams and ideas that were snuffed out while I was allowing my XW to control everything can bloom and blossom.
Needless to say, I've found today to be extremely uplifting and it does seem like some sort of weight is finally off my shoulders - although I'd rather call the XW an albatross.
So, I've been away, but it is my time now. I am going to try to focus my energy on being a better me and a better dad. I can only pray to remember this feeling and use it keep me going forward every day and try to make the most of whatever opportunities I have out there.
Thus, I'm now tired and looking forward to sleep. I'm anxious to see how I feel in the morning as it would be a welcomed change to want to get out of bed in the morning.
Wow Rob, thats some epiphany! I am not surprised, theres a lot of Scorpio/Pluto stuff going on right now, shedding of skin, like the Scorpionic symbol, the snake (not THAT snake!) .. you are emerging from your chrysalis! (another Pluto image).. ok, tjhe astrologer in me is getting excited here to see "astrology in action" .. but you seem to have turned a corner and I am so happy for you. Onwards and upwards.. this is the end of a 12 year period for you, all of us, but particularly Sagis/Scorpio's.
Kalni is right, you DO deserve better. Your W sounded very mean and controlling and has a lot of childhood baggage. I know you loved her, but a higher love is coming to you....
You've come so far! Its brilliant, good for you Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I was forced to be "free" in order to finally be able to do the things for me. I now understand I can become whomever and whatever I wish w/no one holding me back but myself. All my thoughts, dreams and ideas that were snuffed out while I was allowing my XW to control everything can bloom and blossom.
Hmmmm... I see a tatoo and a motorcycle in your future.
Rob, You really sound great, guess things are working out. You hit a nerve when you talked about your x making all the choices. The bigger problem was that there was no way to disagree yet make a mutual decision that you both could live with. I think this is also a major problem in my M. It does make you forget your own dreams and ideas. Hope you continue to feel "freed"
I had a hectic time getting out of Phoenix and up here to the Pacific Northwest to visit my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm just now able to sit and write a bit. I'm hoping to be able to catch up w/ all of you shortly. Things were so bad that I actually was forced to use my planning periods to do legitimate school work. Man, what a crappy way to end the work week.
It has been nice up here but I do wish my little girl was w/ me. I talk w/ her on the phone, but I do miss her. She's w/ mom and her BF this year, so I'll be w/ her next year.
Even though it is nice to be up here, I'm ready to head home. I was enjoying the time w/ myself after my "a ha" moment, and was honestly hoping to be at home to work on the long list of items I want to work on for myself.
But, it has been good to see my family and I've been able to help them out a bit here w/ some projects and things, so it is a nice time.
One final thing w/ my latest mindset is I'm not feeling "lonely" anymore. It is weird, but I don't feel the need to have someone by me and with me. I've been so lonely over the past few months that I could barely stand it. That is why I was smashed by the lady telling me we had "no chemistry" when I believed the opposite to be true.
Anyway, I guess it is a sense of calm of sorts that I'm feeling right now. I'll be fine and do fine w/ the dating thing, but if I don't go out, that's ok. It is weird, but it is really ok to be alone and I kind of like it.
If it is truly "my time now" then I need to use this time solely for me. My focus is on building a better, stronger, more stable me for the future that will benefit both me and my little girl. It will also make my future relationship better as well.
So, that's basically it for my Saturday check-in. I'm moving now to see how things are going w/ all of you.
