Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

OK, so still no discussion but I'll take actions over words any day. H got home from classes, and came to bed to read. He ended up reading for a long time, which means that it wasn't until 1230 that we turned the light off. So I didn't really sleep much last night, but that's OK!

At one point I was trying to sleep when the light was still on, and wasn't able to. I opened my eyes to look at what he was doing, and he was staring at me, and said "you have really pretty eyes." Awww. This is just how the old H was, always giving me compliments. At another point, while we still had the light on, he wrapped himself around me and started kissing my face all over. It was so sweet that I almost cried. Really, it is like H is back and that mean alien is gone. He laid with his leg over me for most of the time that he read, and made conversation about some driving trip that it would be fun to take. There was even joking reference to ML, and the fact that this was brought up as something that we do, while sober, while fully awake, was a very good sign.

I am working from home this morning so that I can go in and buy the new computer. I know H has his therapist appointment today and can't get home before the store opens, so I offered to get the computer, without mentioning the therapy...

This morning before H left, he said he'd be online soon. It was so cute the way he seemed to want to keep chatting with me. He also seemed amused by everything I said, again a trait of the old H who always acted as though he was in love with me.

With the purchase of this PC today, I am feeling a lot more confidence in the stability of our R. I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me it represents a lot.

Another thing that's noteworthy, but not just because of my H, is that my half brother (18 years old) just signed up for the Marine Corps; my dad told me yesterday. Politics aside as I have no desire to discuss them here, I am pretty nervous for my little brother. It scares me to think of him, really only a little boy, potentially going off to war. He has delayed start, so won't be going to boot camp until March, which buys some time. He's just such a smart and amazing kid. I hope he will be OK. H did tell me he would congratulate him on Facebook, which means he is acting normal with my family again. I am really glad I never told my dad what was going on or H would never be able to look that side of my family in the eye again. Actually when my dad first met my H, his words to him were "if you hurt her I'll kill you." Typical dad stuff I guess but with my dad there is a sense that it's not an empty threat!

So I'm gushing here. It's a rare crystal clear sunny day in Dublin, and I got paid my bonus today. I am going to buy myself something in addition to the computer, and maybe pick up a special bottle of wine for tonight.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I see light and hope now. This situation is literally hundreds of times better than this summer. When I look back on this summer, I really don't know how I made it through. I can hardly bear to look at my posts from that time, and they just bring back a rush of that dark feeling. I hope that, assuming things continue to improve, someday I will be able to look back at this without it tearing me up inside.

OK enough rambling for now. I am going to head out to do some shopping.

ITH