TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[TxMomw/2girls]

OK - I haven't posted in a week I think..

So much to update on I can't possibly fill you in on everything. This could be long

Last week my H mentioned he was going out of town Friday after Thanksgivng with OW to her home town where she grew up (first off last time I checked I'm not his friend or BFF - WTH? - too much information) he said her parents do not live there and he won't be meeting them. This is at 8:30am in the morning and I'm traveling with my boss.. I have to excuse myself go to the bathroom and cry.. I couldn't believe he picked going out of town again with OW - two weekends in a row - he is so done with this marriage and moving sooooo fast!!!!

That night in the Hotel I decided I would talk to him from my heart. We had an hour convo... I told him that I desperately need him to realize that b/c he is moving on so easily that I am doing my best and I don't need to hear about him and OW. That he is picking her over his kids (he thought my family was in town all weekend)

He told me that he wanted me to know that he cries more than I know, alot, and he told me the latest was due to our daughter, how she doesn't understand and her pain makes him said (he started crying while telling me this) ....

I told him there are days I'm doing awesome, but there are days I'm so sad and days I hate him... I shared with him things I've come to learn through all this and that I realized this has a lot more to do about him than me or this marriage.. he agreed.. I told him that one day, 1yr, 3yrs or 5 yrs he'll stop in his tracks and say " sh$t I feel that same way I did when I was married to TxMom" and he said.... " you could be right, you probably are right" ( in the past he would have jump all over it saying that he was so sure what he was doing was the right decision) There was so much more, about his ADD and depression we talked on, other couples and what people have said about us and him... it was a good convo.. NO I want you back talk, no OW talk.. just where I'm coming from and a little on the need to move so fast, why he is moving so fast..

I then find out this past Saturday he told a neighbor - his friend- that "I'm dragging my feet otherwise I'd be divorced by now" .. last time I checked he could file if he wanted to... that was another blow to the heart.

So I'm left with yet another scar on my heart, and with all he is doing with OW, I really feel I couldn't take him back, that I don't think he could do enough for me to trust again... he seems so done, moving on as if we've been separated for a year.... We just had a baby... really how can I forgive such a weak man for leaving his wife and kids when we needed him the most??? That is what drives me to closing my heart on him and the DBing to get him back.. I'm so hurt it kills me.

I hope and pray that the bubble will "pop" on them ... I hope I don't have to deal with this 25 yr old in my life and my kids life.... I don't know what DBing will do at this time... will he really even see it??? Can this marriage be saved??? Do I even want this man back??? deep down I do, but I just don't know if I'll be able to get past all this....

I'm not filing for D first .... he can do it if this is what he wants so bad....

[marriedCrazy]

I then find out this past Saturday he told a neighbor - his friend- that "I'm dragging my feet otherwise I'd be divorced by now" .. last time I checked he could file if he wanted to... that was another blow to the heart.

This might not be quite the blow to your heart that you think it is. He's dragging his feet! Why????

Could he be second guessing his decision? Could he want back in?
Certainly, I don't know. But this means YOU have more TIME!!!!

Keep working.

[PositivelyMommy]

{{{TxMom}}} You are right in everthing you said in your post. I have come today with a 2x4, sorry but I think you are losing your way and need a little bit of a wakeup call.

Don't file first. IF he wants it so bad he would have filed!!!! He is just eating cake now. He wants to have family time and also have OW on the side. Like my H, he is DEEP into his A to escape the pain he is feeling inside. It's a drug and an escape!!! If he is with OW, he doesn't have to think about the pain he is causing to his kids, of letting you down, of screwing up his life. Ironic, isn't it? But he also cannot find a way back to you because YOU are not a drug, you make him see reality as it really is and YOU KNOW HIM! You see him as he really is and you know what, he doesn't like it!! That's why he's escaping. It's a catch-22. He can't stand what he has done but he can't stop doing it because it's providing an escape to his pain (which he caused himself).

So that's why DB preaches, take your eyes OFF him. You can't help him, you cannot SAVE your marriage now. All you can do is just minimize more damage.

So what if he wants to spend weekends with her, he is just escaping reality, honey. DON'T take it personally!!! I know it's hard. Almost everything can be undone, a DIVORCE can be undone. Moving out can be undone. Weekends away are just that, you can have many more weekends together in the future. Don't react to everything, if you can. He is looking for excuses to get away from you and you are giving it to him. Why give him fuel to badmouth you to OW?

I know you don't want this to last 25 yrs or whatever but he is hearing your words but he is not really listening, is he? He can't help himself, he needs the drugs and don't care who he hurts.

So, do you DB, work on your own happiness. That's the only control you've got. He is dragging his feet because he is NOT sure yet. He says he is because he is trying to convince HIMSELF. So do nothing. Don't be the clinging wife. Act like the confident, independent woman that you already are. Men can't resist that.

Turn the tables around, would you like a guy who is confident, smiley, holds his head up and full of self-esteem? Or would you go for the guy who is crying to you, begging for love, following you around like a puppy dog and constantly looking for attention?

We are all saying, this will take time. Believe it.

You won't get your H back overnight. He has to go through the WHOLE cycle of living his fantasy life, crashing and burning, then re-evaluate his life as a whole, and THEN make a decision of whether he would be happier with his family or starting all over again with another person.

I know you want this pain to stop. I feel the same way, every night. Honey, we are here to hold you up! We are here to remind you of who you are.

You are {{TxMom}}, great chic, independent woman with adorable kids, an amazing job, great tennis bod, and a heart in the right place. Something out of your control happened to you, NOT YOUR FAULT, how you handle it from here is your choice. You write your own history.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM thanks for the 2x4 ...

I will say this past weeks "talk" was the first where he heard me crying since bomb, it wasn't pathetic or begging him back or "why are you doing this" there was none of that but I will say I felt I got some "feelings" out of him that I otherwise don't get. Makes him have to feel and see what he has done that he otherwise can push down his pain so easily (how his whole family is - keep shoving it down)

I also question, will and does DBing, acting "as if" really work... he seems so far gone and removed makes me feel like our marriage was a joke - although I know it wasn't.

But you did hit it on the nail... If he is with OW, he doesn't have to think about the pain he is causing to his kids, of letting you down, of screwing up his life. Ironic, isn't it? But he also cannot find a way back to you because YOU are not a drug, you make him see reality as it really is and YOU KNOW HIM! You see him as he really is and you know what, he doesn't like it!! That's why he's escaping. It's a catch-22. He can't stand what he has done but he can't stop doing it because it's providing an escape to his pain (which he caused himself).

This is so him..... gosh thanks for the reminder... I do question - are they really in a "fog" or are we kidding ourselves...... I have done really well at focusing on myself... I'm back to all my old activities, tennis, working out, excited about the holiday's... H knows my favorite time of year...

so thanks for the 2x4 PM ... I will take it to heart... and don't worry I'm NOT filing for D.. if he wants it he can do it...

anybody else's two cents??

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM thanks for the 2x4 ...

I will say this past weeks "talk" was the first where he heard me crying since bomb, it wasn't pathetic or begging him back or "why are you doing this" there was none of that but I will say I felt I got some "feelings" out of him that I otherwise don't get. Makes him have to feel and see what he has done that he otherwise can push down his pain so easily (how his whole family is - keep shoving it down)

I also question, will and does DBing, acting "as if" really work... he seems so far gone and removed makes me feel like our marriage was a joke - although I know it wasn't.

But you did hit it on the nail... If he is with OW, he doesn't have to think about the pain he is causing to his kids, of letting you down, of screwing up his life. Ironic, isn't it? But he also cannot find a way back to you because YOU are not a drug, you make him see reality as it really is and YOU KNOW HIM! You see him as he really is and you know what, he doesn't like it!! That's why he's escaping. It's a catch-22. He can't stand what he has done but he can't stop doing it because it's providing an escape to his pain (which he caused himself).

This is so him..... gosh thanks for the reminder... I do question - are they really in a "fog" or are we kidding ourselves...... I have done really well at focusing on myself... I'm back to all my old activities, tennis, working out, excited about the holiday's... H knows my favorite time of year...

so thanks for the 2x4 PM ... I will take it to heart... and don't worry I'm NOT filing for D.. if he wants it he can do it...

anybody else's two cents??

[Superstar]

Don't fear the D.

You cannot control if/when he files, so why worry about it?

Think about it like this: Divorce is a fiscal tool used by courts to divide assets. That's it. Not so scary anymore is it?

You have friends here. Lean on us.

[Amy M]

TxMom!!! I love what PM wrote...where was she when I was having such a tough time detaching???

But, I think by reading your response that you missed some of what she said...DBing won't work on him right now. DBing will work on you!!!!

Your marriage was not a joke. Your life with him was good. Unfortunately, you can't have that life back. You have to accept that reality, and once you do, you might start to realize that there were things about that life you didn't really like anyway!

That's where I am. I've finally started doing things for me...something I gave up when I had kids. I thought that was what a mom was supposed to do...completely give up herself for the sake of the kids. But, I see now that giving up so much made me unhappy. It happened so gradually, that I didn't even know it until very recently.

I told Tawnya today that my friend told me that she saw it, and that she's very happy to see me getting back some of the things I gave up. She said, "Amy, that's just healthy."

So, if H ever comes back, I'll be in a very good place. I won't give up so much next time. I'll keep track of me!!!

That's why I think having your H take the kids some is so important...you need some time to recall what you like to do and to do those things!!!

You are doing fine...hang in there!!! And, have a wonderful Thanksgiving if I don't hear from you before!

Hugs!
Amy

[TxMomw/2girls]

Amy - thanks...

I just re read PM post and right on... I definetly have learned a lot about me, my H, and our marriage in the last 3 months (can't believe it has now been 3 months) what I wasn't happy with was I want a stronger man, more confident man.

I was and am that strong independant women. Works, plays tennis, has girls weekend once a year, girls night out once a month etc... So I wasn't that mom like so many of my friends where I lost myself with my kids... of course to a degree the guilt never leaves me but I had balance for myself, my H and kids (so I thought) we just pulled apart... not enough one on one time... everything else came first.

So I do Dbing for myself and have gotten my life back but I just want the Pain to go away... the missing him, the fact that I need to get my mind wrapped around that this could be over and you are right NOTHING I can do about it....

time will tell huh.... thanks for getting me back on track... I'm counting my days and hoping that the better days will past the sad ones.

hugs to all

[hope3343]

{{{TxMom}}}} hugs.
When I was having trouble missing my H day by day, someone told me to not to think of another day without my H, think of it as one more day closer to them coming home. Some days that works for me.

I will also not file for D, but I do think I am going to get a couple of atty advice since we are in the state of Texas and I hear it is not a good place to be for D. 60 days and no waiting period even though I hear that might change in January 2009 to a year grace period to file. I pray that happens. Also since this is a fault state, if there is an OP involved it gives you ground for adultery which if my H serves me that is the route I plan on going just to delay as long as possible till one of them gets tired waiting.

Take care and hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

[TxMomw/2girls]

yeah Hope I would seek counsel for peace of mind.

As SuperStar knows too well.. you can get D in 62 days if it is rushed and apparently we don't have to necessarily sign stuff ... our H's can move it along... I did ask my attorney if Adultery adds anything, I think it just gives us more grounds for money, time etc... You'd want to do colabortive law and not let it go to the courts and a judge decide for you.

My H emailed me stating all expenses after a certain date is his responibility... do you think you could get your H to do this.. I now don't worry b/c I know that protects me.

happy thanksgiving... I'll be on and off checking in ...