Sort of dropped out of things for awhile...not much to write about unfortunately. Very little contact w/W. In the process of getting the house ready to sell. She's been civil about things. At this point, it hurts too much to have much of any contact. I'm leaving my job, which is good in some ways because it really was not a good fit and the conditions were very problematic. But it's another loss, which is not so great.
Going through the house to sort things out, clean up, etc., is no fun. Got some items from the safety deposit box yesterday that belong to her.
I've been feeling a lot of anger in the last few months, still mixed in with the sadness, sense of rejection, hurt, etc. She has acknowledged that this has been a very difficult year for me and that it has been a "tremendous loss" for her too, though she notes that our experiences of that loss will be "different". That really glosses over and minimizes it from my perspective. She is able to empathize about the pains of my situation in her email, but she does so almost as though she has not really had much to do with causing the pain. That makes me really mad. The difficult part is that I still care for her (? who she was/is?) and yearn for connection at the same time.
Lately, the anger has subsided somewhat. I feel frustrated about it all and resigned at the same time. I feel like this has been such a throwaway on her part.
I still make all kinds of assumptions about things and still spend far too much time thinking about her and imagining that she has no regrets, still is going full steam ahead, never seemed to once have any second thoughts.
I'm doing my best to focus on myself, but the truth is I think about her every day.
Anyway, not a terribly inspiring update. I just had to step away from the board for awhile because things were really difficult and haven't been feeling like I have been making progress, though at least I am getting feedback from others that I am, which is good. I just wish I didn't have to still hurt so much and miss her so much.
