TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[TxMomw/2girls]

OK - I haven't posted in a week I think..

So much to update on I can't possibly fill you in on everything. This could be long

Last week my H mentioned he was going out of town Friday after Thanksgivng with OW to her home town where she grew up (first off last time I checked I'm not his friend or BFF - WTH? - too much information) he said her parents do not live there and he won't be meeting them. This is at 8:30am in the morning and I'm traveling with my boss.. I have to excuse myself go to the bathroom and cry.. I couldn't believe he picked going out of town again with OW - two weekends in a row - he is so done with this marriage and moving sooooo fast!!!!

That night in the Hotel I decided I would talk to him from my heart. We had an hour convo... I told him that I desperately need him to realize that b/c he is moving on so easily that I am doing my best and I don't need to hear about him and OW. That he is picking her over his kids (he thought my family was in town all weekend)

He told me that he wanted me to know that he cries more than I know, alot, and he told me the latest was due to our daughter, how she doesn't understand and her pain makes him said (he started crying while telling me this) ....

I told him there are days I'm doing awesome, but there are days I'm so sad and days I hate him... I shared with him things I've come to learn through all this and that I realized this has a lot more to do about him than me or this marriage.. he agreed.. I told him that one day, 1yr, 3yrs or 5 yrs he'll stop in his tracks and say " sh$t I feel that same way I did when I was married to TxMom" and he said.... " you could be right, you probably are right" ( in the past he would have jump all over it saying that he was so sure what he was doing was the right decision) There was so much more, about his ADD and depression we talked on, other couples and what people have said about us and him... it was a good convo.. NO I want you back talk, no OW talk.. just where I'm coming from and a little on the need to move so fast, why he is moving so fast..

I then find out this past Saturday he told a neighbor - his friend- that "I'm dragging my feet otherwise I'd be divorced by now" .. last time I checked he could file if he wanted to... that was another blow to the heart.

So I'm left with yet another scar on my heart, and with all he is doing with OW, I really feel I couldn't take him back, that I don't think he could do enough for me to trust again... he seems so done, moving on as if we've been separated for a year.... We just had a baby... really how can I forgive such a weak man for leaving his wife and kids when we needed him the most??? That is what drives me to closing my heart on him and the DBing to get him back.. I'm so hurt it kills me.

I hope and pray that the bubble will "pop" on them ... I hope I don't have to deal with this 25 yr old in my life and my kids life.... I don't know what DBing will do at this time... will he really even see it??? Can this marriage be saved??? Do I even want this man back??? deep down I do, but I just don't know if I'll be able to get past all this....

I'm not filing for D first .... he can do it if this is what he wants so bad....