Having a rough day... not able to concentrate on anything. First session of IC with new C tomorrow night. Going to help my brother & SIL move into their new home this weekend.
Going to pick up S in a few minutes... that will give me the pick-me-up I need.
Well, I had the appt w/ my new IC. She was everything I was hoping for and helped me.
She is very responsive to calls, she cares (I can tell by the way she talks), she has attended Michele's seminars and had only read DB. When I was contacting potential IC's and told my sitch and that I wanted someone familiar with solution-based therapy... she took me seriously and went out and bought DR. She even showed it to me during our meeting.
She also let me know that she was in my situation at one time with her H. It took 9 months, but the D was B.
As I've been told many times on this board, I have to not show my anger to my W. I was extremely successful today at the exchange. We spoke for a few minutes about the weekend and about W's trip to see her dad and her step-sisters. It went well... and I am happy about it. When the time comes IC told me I should let her know that I am still willing to work it out, but I am no longer going to be disrespected by W and her relationship with OM.
I also need to remind myself to be PATIENT... it has only been 3 months since D was filed and less than a month since 100% confirmation of OM.
The holidays are going to be rough emotionally, but I think I can make it through.
Seems as I am in the same boat patience is not my strength and it has been 5 mths now since wife told me she wants a divorce and about 2 mths since she moved out. All the advice I been getting is try to win the little battles and not the whole war. Look for the little signs that might spark in her and adjust accordingly. We need to work on ourselves and try to get our lives back on track by doing things we used to enjoy before we were married and I know its hard and easier said than done but it will be the only way we can make it through the pain and maybe it will show her what she got at home. Believe me I have to tel mslf everyday to step back keep those lips sealed and only respond to her after carefull thought. opefully this helps a little since i am just rambling along
mc, I'm glad that you FINALLY found an IC that can support you and your desire to DB. I know that you struggled a lot early on in your sitch and was willing to move heaven and earth to try and get to CO.
Your resolve was admirable. And still is for that matter. I hope your new IC can work wonders for you bro.
Thank you. Sometimes I think you do have to ride the rollercoaster a little bit (not sure if you even have a choice). By riding, you realize that is NOT what you want to do and that is not what you want for your future.
I have realized that it is OK to be angry... I have every right to be. However, if I want to make progress, I have to not show the anger to my W. I have to follow the DB principles and I have to be the better choice over OM for my W.
MC... I wish I had looked a little harder to find the counselor months ago. She is a 1 hr 45 min drive for me, but well worth it. My W will be required to meet with her before we can get D. She doesn't necessarily have to participate, but she will have to make an appearance. And, with custody of my S in question, a court date will probably not happen until the middle of '09 at the earliest... so time is on my side.
Well, I go to workout MWF at noon. I have a contact there that has told me since W & OM went to a wedding reception together, they have been out in public together all the time. We are fairly new to town and didn't go out much, so most people wouldn't know that she is married w/ child.
My W is telling people that she is D and never mentions she has a child. People can tell there is something funny with her relationship w/ OM. And, people are well aware she is only in it for his trust fund.
They have been out to the bars on a consistent basis - weekdays & weekends. OM's nickname to people that know him is "Drunk {OM}"
My W is at the bars buying shots for everyone, including my friend that is telling me what she has been up to and taking pictures of what is going on. My W even bought shots at the wedding reception and gave a little (2-3 yr old) a shot of water so she could participate as well. W's boss is getting sick of W showing up hung-over and late for work.
My friend told me that W is planning vacations w/ OM. They were going to go to Mexico, but W couldn't find her birth certificate - so they are just going to go somewhere in CA.
I have also learned that most of the people that I felt said "screw makingchanges" because they were supporting W's affair have actually distanced themselves from W & OM and do not approve. That makes me feel better- I was beginning to think there were very few good people in this world.
I'm going to schedule some more appts w/ my new IC and go from there. Wait patiently as W destroys her own life and move on with mine having my S's best interests in mind.
Am I crazy? I still want to approach this with reconciliation as the goal. It sure seems like I am crazy.
Is this typical that the A will turn the S into a totally different person?
E-mail conversation regarding the holiday schedule...
I was a little hesitant, because I don't want to come off as a jerk yet I want to spend as much time as possible with my S. However, we basically have a 50/50 split each week and the schedules naturally flip so we have alternating days. Based on that schedule W will have our S on the Thursdays that are Thanksgiving and Christmas. I do have the benefit of getting S those Fridays following the holiday and have him for those weekends until 5 p.m on those Sundays which will actually be better because the majority of my family will be back over the weekends. Anyhow, I want S on Christmas day at some point as well.
Me...
"{W},
I let {daycare} know {S} will not be there this Friday. Please drop him off at my place on Friday at 8 a.m.
You are scheduled to have {S} on Christmas day as well. I would like to have {S} at some point on Christmas day. Instead of exchanging on Friday morning, I would like to take him early – on Christmas Day, sometime mid-afternoon.
{H}"
W...
"If you could meet me at {bakery} at 7:45 on Friday that would be great; I need to be to work at 8:00 so I have to do it before.
As for Christmas day my brother is in town that day and that is the only day that works for him I would like him through noon since that is my day. Then I would only get him one night that isn’t too fair to me.
Thanks."
Me...
"{W},
I will meet you at 7:45 a.m. on Friday.
On Christmas Day, we can meet at 1 p.m. to exchange
Thanks."
W...
"{H},
So if I need {S} sometime early and ask are you going to work with me on that, because I kind of feel like you are telling me what I have to do and you would like that if I did that to you. You are not asking me and that is my day. That isn’t fair that I only get him Wednesday night and then for awhile on Thursday.
Sorry."
W.. sent 5 minutes later before I could respond...
"{H},
I do want to work with you on this, because I want you to see {S} on Christmas Day. I just wish I could see him more. Wednesday night and Thursday morning isn’t long, but I do want to work with you on this okay.
Thanks."
Me...
"I have worked with you in the past. For example, when your brother was back for that wedding and you said you were going to take {S} to see him. I also let you have {S} for extra time during your Grandpa’s visitation/funeral.
These are not regular visitation days we are discussing….it is Christmas day."
W...
"No I know I’m sorry. I agree you have worked with me. I want you to see {S} on Christmas day; can we do like 1:30 would that be okay?
