Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

But Kat, Did you ever have someone in your life that did things differently and you accepted it because that's the way they are?

Like the flowers thing. I can see that they probably made her feel guilty. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I got them because I KNEW she'd like them. Not for the thank you.

But later that night, she showed me she'd taken pictures of them. That was her way of saying she liked them and thanking me for them. And if someone says thanks in their own way, even if it's not the way I'd like to receive it, is that still not OK?

[Hope4us]

And one other thing I've been thinking.

Is not true love, accepting someone for their faults, accepting them for who they are and loving them anyway?

It's like the problem my W has with saying "I'm sorry". I could count on one hand the number of times she's said 'I'm sorry' to me in our marriage. But she says it in different ways.

Would I like to get an I'm sorry? H3ll yes. Am I ok with her apologizing in different ways, even if it's not the way I would like her to apologize? Yes. To me, it's loving and accepting someone for who they are, faults and all.

And maybe that's why I've been able to stay at this for as long as I have.

[breakaway]

My comment about getting the thank you was directed at InLikeFlynn more than you, as in, if you were going to make an issue out of it you should be direct, not play some hinting game. Hinting is not communicating!!

Sounds like you are fine with her reaction to the flowers then.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would say to her.....Sorry you didn't like the flowers I put in the room during our(really just hers) vacation. She will say..no I really liked them. Then you say....Well I took your silence that you didn't like them. Just to throw a truth dart out there that a thank you would have been nice!!!

How about just telling the truth instead of saying the opposite of what you think and calling it a "truth" dart instead of an immature hint.

"I noticed you taking pics of the flowers. I'm glad you liked them, but it hurts me when you don't say thank you."

Or I don't appreciate it when you don't say thank you

Or I would appreciate it if you said thank you

Etc.

Breakaway's right, H4U -- those are better. I guess I'm a little too close to you, and get angry at how I see your wife treating you sometimes.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But Kat, Did you ever have someone in your life that did things differently and you accepted it because that's the way they are?

And one other thing I've been thinking.

Is not true love, accepting someone for their faults, accepting them for who they are and loving them anyway?

My answers to both of your questions would be "Yes . . . IF you are okay with it, and can maintain a loving attitude about it." I often don't hear/feel that from you, and -- I would add -- rightfully so.

Put differently, I think it's OK if YOU are okay with it -- REALLY okay, and not just "I'm OK with this because, I dunno, SHOULDN'T I BE?????"

Does that make ANY sense???

Put a 3rd way: I don't think there's anything wrong with being authentic, and saying this bothers you, in one of the ways that BA suggested. But don't NOT say it, simply because you're thinking "Oh, I shouldn't feel this way!" . . . and then build up a bunch of resentment about it towards her.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup.

One of the things I've thought about lately is are the things like this, i.e., the not thanking me for stuff or not apologizing for stuff the way I want but her doing it in her own way. And if it never bothered me in the past because I just know that's how she is, is it just because of the affair that now it's magnified and it bothers me now? I hope that makes sense.

Well, I gave her the letter. I know you guys recommended that I don't, but I had to go with my gut on this one. So I left it for her when I went to get S20, and I don't know for sure, but it might have been another step in the right direction. She called me twice while I was gone and both times wanted to TALK about stuff (not R stuff). And then she started TM'ing me like crazy. This is very different than it's been in a long time. In the past she might call me and ask a question and then immediately get off the phone or send me one or two TM's, but it was like she WANTED to talk to me.

And when we got home she had this look on her face when she was talking to me and there was some good natured banter back and forth and even this morning (W is NOT A MORNING person) she came downstairs before I left and was talking, talking.

So maybe I said some stuff in the note that she needed to hear. Maybe it gave her the hope she was looking for. Still remains to be seen. Could be that she feels like I gave her a get out of jail free card when I told her I'd mostly forgiven her and had let go of most of the anger.

Now Pup, don't tell me I went soft. I also put in there I was going to keep loving her without expectations until she either decided to give us a try or until I couldn't do it anymore and then I would have a decision to make. So it was almost like a carrot and a stick. I forgive her, but I'm not waiting forever. I also acknowledged for the first time that what she was feeling for OM was real to her and I understood how it could happen and that I was scared to try with her too because once someone has an affair they are more likely to go there again than they would be in the first place, but I was willing to take that risk because the reward if we do make it is worth it to me.

Ok, 2x4 away......

[lost_in_space]

H4U

One thing I have realized is my "gut" has yet to be wrong - scary. I think it comes to you know your W best. Hope it works as you hope.

Any chace you might feel like posting thhe letter?

Take care bud.

[Hope4us]

Here is an edited version. There was some pretty personal stuff in there that I'm not sure I even want to share in an anonymous forum but this is the gist of it.


W,

I know I told you I wouldn’t bring up any of this stuff until you were ready to talk about it and I’m going to mostly honor that promise. I’m not expecting a reply to this note, but there are some things I need to say.

First, I had a great time this past weekend. And on my drive in the park on Saturday morning I had a lot of time to think, and yes cry. But I don’t think they were tears of sorrow. But more tears of finally letting go of some anger and tears of forgiveness. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.

EDITED PARAGRAPH REMOVED


I’m making an assumption here, but I’ll assume none the less. You’re scared. You’re scared to try and you’re scared not to try. Because if you try with me it means letting go of something that was special to you, but if you don’t try you’re going to hurt a lot of people you care for deeply. And I get that. I really do. But I’m scared too W. I’m going to live the rest of my life knowing that there is someone out there that my wife felt so strongly about that she was willing to risk everything for them. I’m scared because studies have shown that once someone has an affair that the odds of them having another one are higher than if they hadn’t had one in the first place, especially if the underlying reasons for the affair are not dealt with. So yes, I’m freakin scared. Scared of the possibility of it happening again. Scared of putting myself out there to only be crushed again.

But the reward for taking that risk is worth it to me. The reward is a marriage where we’re both completely happy. The reward is sitting together holding hands watching our son’s get married. And holding our grandchildren together when they’re born and then taking them to Disney and spoiling them rotten. And growing old together. Will it take a lot of work? Hell yes. Will it be painful? Double hell yes. We’ve both got a lot of things to face up to. But none the less, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Will you take that risk with me?

I know I can’t force you to make the decision to take that chance. And I know I can’t force you to do the things I know need to be done to give us a chance. Only you can decide if and when to do that. So I’m going to just keep loving you without any expectations and if there comes a point where I can’t do that any longer, I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there.

I also know I told you I wasn’t going to say “I love you” because I don’t want there to be any pressure on you. But I am going to say it. I love you. I think I finally get just what that means. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to understand that.

Ok, call me all the names you want. I know I'm a weinie, I know I went soft, but it was just something I felt in my gut I needed to say.

[kat727]

The thing I hear you saying is she says this in her own way, she does this in her own way but you are wanting to hear it in your way. You said you are fine with it, the way she doesn't go the normal, polite route, but I am not buying it because you turn around and say you would love to hear it.

Be honest with her and let her know that you need to hear Thank you, I liked them. etc. You are not asking for so much. Anybody with half a heart would see that.

Sorry, I still think she needs to be polite. Would she just "be here way" with someone that doesn't know her or would she say it? No more excuses.

kat

[breakaway]

I thought it was beautiful. It was just the simple, loving truth.

You've learned a lot from the AWAWs...

Instead of feeling pressured, I would assume, personally, that it actually takes some pressure away. And she can read it over again too.