Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Friday night I rolled over and kissed her and she said "goodnight". Code speak for 'no way bud'.

Saturday night we had pizza late and she said she didn't feel good.

Oh, I agree guys. This is still ALL ABOUT HER.

I think I will have an answer very soon on what the F is going on. A couple weeks ago, OMW emailed me out of the blue to say it was one year ago that she got my letter. We traded a couple of emails. In one she said OM is coming home yesterday and leaving Wed afternoon so he could spend Thanksgiving with his new GF. So....if OM is not at work she most likely couldn't contact him. Plus she's in training for her temp assignment so it's pretty unlikely she'd be able to contact him. And at this point, I really don't think she is anyway. But what I DO THINK is she's still looking at his status online and getting the fix that way. So with him out of the office she won't get that fix. And W is off work Wed as well as both of us Thurs/Friday, then the weekend and then W is off Monday as well. So it'll be 11 days of not getting her fix one way or another. I just have a sneaking feeling that by tomorrow or Wed she'll really be warming up to me. And if that's the case, I'll have my answer.

Part of what I was going to put in my note to her was that I knew I couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do, but I KNOW what needs to be done for us to have a chance (getting rid of the affair crap, etc) and if she doesn't want to do that, it's her choice, but I don't know when my patience is going to run out.

What I really think is going on is she's ready, really ready to make the commitment to us, but she just can't ween herself from that last little fix every once in a while. Oct vacation was a perfect example. We're completely away from any possible contact with OM in any way, shape or form and by the 3rd day she's a different person. I'll bet it's the same this week. And my comment to her last night about having a good time and she just dropping her head and shaking it yes is very telling to me. But she's scared to try with me, but at the same time scared to not try so she's caught. She KNOWS I was disappointed we didn't ML, but I didn't get angry or anything. If anything, I was nicer to her after she rejected me. And then that look/action last night.

I just see someone totally conflicted. I see someone who KNOWS what they want to do, but can't bring themselves to cut the final strings. I see someone who is scared to let go of the memory of OM but also scared to not let go, so she just sits there hoping that something happens that shows her what to do.

In the letter I wrote (haven't decided to give it to her yet) I told her I understood she was scared to try and at the same time, scared not to try. Kind of my way of showing her I understand what she's going through. I also put in there that I think on Saturday morning I was finally able to forgive her and let go of my anger. I see those two things as possibly helping her let go.

Ok, wow, that was rambling. I have to go pick S20 up from school tonight. I was going to leave the letter for her when I left to pick him up. She'd then have probably 6 hours to chew on it while I'm gone.

The whole thing is, EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING points to her wanting to try with me, but her just not being able to let that last little bitty hold go of OM which is the only thing holding us back.