Eddie Izzard - Dress to Kill - one of my favorites - that I've actually avoided for a while since both my W and I really liked him - and the last time I tried to watch him it just made me miss her more...but that was a long time ago (at least in relationship time) - so maybe it would be good to sit down and get some laughs again.
I can't help but notice that you've got your voice back, KenF. I can hear you in your post in a way I hadn't heard you in a long time - and that is a very positive thing.
I know what you mean about moving over to this "space" of the separated...it's more real - and it does seem to help in the healing. You're right, by the way, I do live in my head a lot...I try hard to get out - but it's just been my way for almost 40 years now...and it's just not all that easy to break the pattern.
I've been talking a lot with...okay...this is strange...my high school girlfriend lately...she lives in LA - and has just ended a ten-year relationship of her own. We've not seen one another - and aren't interested in dating or anything along those lines - so it's just been talk with a friend - and she's helped me remember a lot about myself...like my first wife, she was also stunned at the accusations of being abusive...since to her my problem (at least in high school) was that I terribly abused by my father - and too sensitive and fragile...like my first wife, she said she's never associated me with anger...so that was a big positive to hear from her....oh...and she's also been very good about reminding me to get out of the house - to spend time with friends - and even try to flirt if I ever get the chance...
Sometimes her advice seems to put the cart before the horse - but I think she often comes at offering me advice from her own experience with her relationship - and she felt she held on for too long - and didn't let go soon enough for her to heal and work on herself...
Part of the reason I spend so much time in my head is just because of my line of work - many, many hours home along - working at my desk - not talking to another person or seeing anyone - that's what I have had to work again - and on some days it's been as simple as going out to a cafe...tonight it might be going out to a movie or getting together for dinner with a friend.
Goodness what a horribly painful night...not quite sure why...just a ton of sadness in me today/tonight. I had both boys with me today - which was wonderful - took them to a movie and then played in a park with them. Just had a wonderful time - but there was just something so heartbreaking in the day - seeing so many families out - so many couples preparing for the holidays...missing my wife so much more than I want to - know that she's too harmful, too dark and too unhealthy to be with - and yet I so long for the happy times - the smiles - the companionship.
Okay...taking a long, deep breath now...I am not going to sit here and crumble..I am going to turn off the computer, turn of the TV and call a friend. I need to get out of this head space...and I need to remember who I am...
Had a decent day on my own...not great but okay. After a rough, sad morning, I finally got myself up and headed out for a pickup soccer game. It was good fun - and lasted about 2.5 hours - so it was a lot of exercise - which was nice.
I miss my kids a lot today - and it was kind of heartbreaking to come home to such an empty place - but it's what I have no on some Sundays, and so I'll have to accept it - and make the most of it.
I called my W this morning to find out how S2 was doing - because it seemed like he was getting an ear infection last night. She hasn't called back - or responded to my question - which I think is very petty of her.
It's odd...sometimes I sit here and just wish that we could have the happy moments back - but then I consider the memories in more depth and start to see the dark stuff again - the anger towards me and me S11, the lack of commitment to our family and to our marriage. The ways in which I felt used, taken advantage of, and taken for granted - and then I read through some of the other threads here - I read a lot of Kalni's stuff today - and realize how much this separation gives me an opportunity to grow and learn about myself - and it also gives me a chance to affirm what I want in an M/R - and what I will not put up with in terms of how someone treats my children.
My W is in a lot of pain - I know that - and I know that she is suffering through something terrible - but I just don't know if she'll ever come out of it and want to work on us - and so I concentrate on myself and on being strong, stable, and present for my kids.
What's strange to me is how much anger my W still has whenever she comes by to pick up our baby. She doesn't talk with me - she doesn't say hello or goodbye, and she ignores me if I ask her any questions about our baby...her behavior just seems so very childish and destructive - like she just doesn't see that being separated or divorced doesn't have to mean that we hate one another - or that we have to be angry at one another - and it pains me to think of how her emotions might affect our baby.
Yesterday, when she dropped off the baby in the morning, I opened the trunk of her car to get something I had left in there - she got furious and snipped at me saying, "That's inappropriate." I was in such a good mood that when she said this it just shocked me...and before I knew it I had snipped back saying, "everything you're doing is inappropriate." And left it at that...
I know I shouldn't have reacted to her anger - and I did backslide a bit there, but it just came out, and I had to let it be. For the most part, I am very kind to her when she comes by - and very patient with her when she snips at me or my S11.
Whoa...lesson learned...and here's what it was...my wife called tonight to answer my question about how the baby was doing - and she was in her usual belittling mode - trying to put down my parenting skills and imply that I don't know how to take care of our S2 because I was concerned that he had an ear infection yesterday - and she says he was totally fine today...
Anyway...since before she moved out, we never talked about what we're doing - if this is some sort of trial separation or what, etc - and so I made the mistake of trying to discuss the separation with her - and she took the small opening of a conversation to start her usual attacks - telling me that I can't change, that since she's moved out I haven't changed at all - and that I still have no respect for her...this was utterly surprising to hear, since I've been nothing but polite and accommodating since she moved out - and have validated and stayed very calm through her darkest moments...
But she brought up my mistake of getting something out of her car as evidence of my lack of respect for her - and then brought up the fact that I was playing with our baby one day when she came by to get him - since she believes that I should try to bore him (her words) before she comes by to pick him up - that way he doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything (more of her words). She then said, "if you really cared about your son you would act like an adult and sit him down and watch a movie or something before I get there so it will be easier on him when I pick him up." And she kept repeating that "if you cared about your son" line a few more times - and I finally snapped - for the first time in weeks - I just snapped and told her to f--k off - since she had no right to tell me how I love my son - and she hung up on me...which is fine...but, my goodness, I do believe she is utterly insane now...and just doesn't know how to recognize anything...three weeks was not enough for her to settle any of her anger apparently. So I'm going to go dark now - completely dark save for talk about our baby or finances - and that will be it.
I read a lot of Kalni's threads today - from months ago into today...and I could see how strong Kalni became - how much she recognized about what she deserves and should expect from her partner - and it made me so very away of the importance of letting go - it's not just a step or part of a process - it's necessary to strengthen ourselves - so very, very necessary - and so I am going into that next phase of accepting the silence at home - at least on some Sundays - as part of what I will have to live with - and I will have to make the most of that time to myself and life my life to the fullest. Today, there were a lot of tears for me - and the pathetic cries of what happened to my life, what happened to my wife...but the answers to those questions will not ease the pain - or release me from the solace of some quiet Sundays when I will be home alone - rather, I have to stop dwelling on those questions and focus instead, and truly, truly focus, on how to make the most of my life and my time.
Here are some positives from the recent months: I've gotten into better shape than I've been in for ten years. I have reconnected with friends in a profound way. I have spent some amazing time with my S11 and with my S2 - both individually and together. I have rediscovered a relationship with my father. I have written more. I have exercised more. I have gone to more movies. I have felt attractive to someone (surprising how nice that felt). I feel no anger when my wife isn't around - and I mean none at all...mostly just calm. I've rediscovered my spiritual side. I've heard my muse more than I have for ages. I've cleaned the house and rearranged it in a wonderful way. I've gotten a voice-over gig (for a script I wrote for a kid's show). My writing partner and I have gotten an agent. I've gotten some more writing assignments than I've had in a while. I've gotten healthier (physically) still working on the mental health. I've slept a bit better - though not as well as I should. I'm regaining a lot of self-confidence that I didn't even realize I had lost.
Hey Carlos, thanks for your note on FB and I am glad my "story" helped you realise a few things you found useful. I was here in Separated till recently and I remember when I "moved" here after months being in Newcomers it felt like a statement for me, I was accepting the situation and taking it from there.
So, after months of analysing and dealing with whys and what ifs which of course is necessary and important during this journey, my advice would be to try to make this a beginning for you.
This is what you were given, you have to deal with it. Deep inside you know why you are here (at least that is what I believe for everyone here). Going back and replaying everything, although cant be avoided at times, it is a cheeseles tunnel and wont help you much cope with reality.
Focus on you, and the kids. Try to stay away from your wife's drama, she seems to have so much anger at the moment any kind of interaction between you two can turn into a disaster and you dont want that. Dont accept any rules she sets regarding your son unless you also feel they are appropriate and right.
Letting go is hard. IMO, it is accepting, really, that no matter what you do, you can not control your spouses actions and by doing/living that, you actually have a chance to really affect them. Weird and twisted but so true. If you read the boards here, you will see it happens over and over again.
Stay strong xxx K
BTW, dont send the email. Just let her be. "Remove" yourself from her life. That's what she needs now and if you love her, you must give her what she needs.
Hi Kalni: I think I am still in the process of accepting the situation - moving here did make a big difference in that regard - though the days of sadness make me realize just how much I have to let go of the past - the hopes and dreams, etc - and focus even more on what i have been dealt.
You're so very right about staying away from my W's drama. I think that, since I haven't felt any anger since she's moved out - and feel like I've gotten a clearer picture of us and mostly me - I stumbled into thinking that she might have calmed too...and, oh my goodness, was I wrong.
I have to do a better job of staying out of her way - and not getting involved in her drama. Needless to say, the upcoming holidays are hitting hard - everywhere I look there are reminders of what a happy family can look like - and though I know it's just artificial marketing - it is part of that hope that we all held when starting a family...or even just getting married.
I do love my wife, Kalni...and so I will give her more of what she needs - time, space, life without me. And I won't send that email or text her or try to talk with her about us at all - and just let it be her thing. Her anger mystifies me in many ways - especially the way she expresses it now - and the things that she gets angry about just surprise me. I have to do a better job of not reacting to her anger when she does throw it my way.
Thanks for stopping by, Kalni. I think I'll be staying over here now...in separated...and do the symbolic thing of letting go of newcomers.
My husband moved out last year on Nov 17, picked up the rest of his stuff on Nov 19 (I had to look it up, the dates). I know how difficult this season (Christmas) feels. Ignore the dates and consider each day just another day. My H told me last Christmas were the worst of his life... So, it wont be easy for her either. xxx K
It is a rough, rough time to separate. In the past, when faced with painful/stressful situations, my wife has always put on a strong face - and it seems like she's doing that now. It's just so odd to hear her talk and watch her actions - and recognize the ways in which she's putting on a performance...I know her anger is real to her - and I know that what she thinks is extremely real to her - which is why I just have to follow your advice and remove myself from her life as best I can.
I'm taking my S11 (from a previous marriage) back home with me this Christmas - since my W has already told me that she refuses to allow our son to travel with me until after she weans him from breastfeeding. Honestly, this is one of those cases in which I am choosing my battle carefully, since she has a very intense - sometimes frightening - connection to breastfeeding. Any suggestion that she shouldn't be breastfeeding any more makes her furious and defensive - and she insists that our baby needs it...though I know that he doesn't get any nutrition from it any more...
I worry about her over the holidays - since she's going to spend Christmas with her family - and they are toxic beyond belief when it comes to Christmas - especially her father. My role had been to be there like a buffer between all of them - keeping things calm and just not letting the drama explode into all out fights...the few times she's been home with her family by herself (early on in our relationship) - it got ugly fast - as her father (who is an alcoholic and very abusive) would quickly find ways to start attacking my wife and making her feel unwanted...I just hope her friends can support her through it if/when it happens - since I know that her family is completely against her actions right now...Her pain and confusion make me very sad - even her anger saddens me - and that's just why I have to remove myself all the more - she knows exactly which buttons to push in me to make me react to her - and going after my love for my children is the one button she seems to prefer the most...constantly accusing me of not caring about my S2 - and only caring about my S11. It's harsh to hear her words...though I know that I should ignore them - she does have a way of cutting to the quick and piercing my heart like no other person I have ever known.
More anger from her tonight...and so very unnecessary. When she came by to pick up our baby (close to 7pm - and she didn't call to let me know she would be so late) - I went outside with our S2 and she told me to put him down - and, again, would not take him from my arms. So I did - and it just seemed to confuse him - and then as she was putting him in the car, I apologized to her for snipping at her the night before - when she claimed I didn't care about our son - and was started to say that I understand her being angry with me - but if she could please leave the children out of it - and she got furious and told me to back away and stop talking to her or she would call the police...I was stunned...so I just said, okay, and waved goodbye to our baby...and went into the house.
I know that she's broke right now - she just told me that she has no cash - but she also had to pay me back for the car payment I made for her this month - and which she agreed to take over before she moved out. She didn't pay me back the full amount...and I think she's now trying to blame me for her not having any money - but it's not my fault at all...she gets her paychecks deposited directly into her own account - and I helped cover the cost of her move (the deposit on her new place)...it's just so interesting, that she says nothing to me about herself and her life - until she tells me that she's got a negative cash flow...I think she wanted me to rescue her - and since normally I would (have) I think it angers her that I'm not offering her anything at all...I just will not fix things...
Today - tonight - her words - and the threat of calling the police - just made it all that much easier to want to move on - and to let her go entirely. This person - however much she is suffering - is not someone I can even imagine having a healthy relationship with - it saddens me - but I do wonder if perhaps she's just far too damaged to find herself again...I pray that's not the case - for her and for our son...but she isn't my wife anymore...I hardly even know her at all now.
Carlos, have you talked to a lawyer? I dont like all these thearts she is making. Her not picking up the baby from your arms is.. nuts. I think it wouldnt hurt if you knew what is going on legally...
I suggest you pull back completely. I mean completely. Any mean interactions like that are hurting your chances.
Let her do the cycle. Her anger must subside for any feelings to come back. You attempts to reason with her are going down the drain... Dont be scared. Focus on you. xxx K
