Part two: Another reason why the wife needs help in the plan of recovery is that if she changes her role and begins to act in a new way she will discover she is standing alone. Others will treat her as an actor that is deserting a play when there is no substitute to take her part. This is especially true when the wife separates from her husband by choice or by necessity.
That paragraph made me think of Goldey...thinking of you Goldey, you aren't alone. And thankfully, I don't feel alone either now.
The Moral Issue No one has the right to play God and demand the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. The alcoholic can only continue to act like a little god, telling everyone what to do while doing as he pleases, if a supporting cast continues to play this role. The wife has every moral right and responsibility to refuse to act as if her husband were God Almighty whose every wish and commandment she must obey. As a rule, she cannot tell her husband anything for he refuses to hear it. Her only effective means of telling him what she means is to free herself from his attempt to control and dictate what she is to do. This independence may be exercised in silence, it need not be expressed in words.
Two things may interfere with success in a long-range program for the wife. First the husband's attitude toward the new role may range from disapproval to direct threats or violence Second, responsibilities in the home make it difficult to get away to meetings, etc. A wife cannot make such a change unless she believes it to be the right and moral choice, so she must understand the nature of alcoholism. She must also have the courage to stand against her husband's opposition to her own program of recovery. A wife cannot be expected to do what is beyond her emotional and financial capacity. However, by remaining in a program of her own, she may be able to solve problems which at first seemed too difficult.
Okay so that's all a bit dim and depressing, but at the same time it shows me that the control issues are wrapped up in the alcoholism. So I feel less crazy and more detached. And even more loving toward him. Not doormat loving but just a calmer sense that this is out of control behavior. So I need to get IN control of my own behavior.
So, that's a place to start. And the courage is going to come partly from here.
