So here's some stuff from my Al Anon pamphlet on the MerryGoRound of Denial:
The third character is the key person in the play, the spouse. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by his drinking. In turn, she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentment, fear, and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation. She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; OR she sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is that his failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail him! He acts with complete independence, and insists he will do as he pleases, and he expects her to do exactly what he tells her to do.
This character might also be the called the Adjuster; she is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking. The alcoholic blames her for everything that goes wrong in the marriage; she tries everything possible to make her marriage work to prove him wrong......... She is so upset that she cannot talk to her husband without adding more guilt, bitterness, resentment, or hostility to the situation which is already almost unbearable. Yet the customs of our society train and condition the wife to play this role. If she does not, she finds herself going against what family and society regard as the wife's role. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home." This is where everyone goes when there's no place to go.
Then some stuff about denial....
...the real problem is that alcoholic is well aware of the truth he so strongly denies, He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others. Above all, the memory of his helplessness and failure is more than embarrassing; it is far too painful for a person who thinks and acts as if he were a little god in his own world.
the first person who joins the alcoholic on the Merry Go Round is the wife. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted or undermined in every effort to cope with the situation, and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety, and anger. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick. She is a woman who becomes part of the illness by living with it. She is put in a role which forces her to become the Provoker. She is caught between alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame, and embarrassment inflicted upon her by society. This crushes her; she needs info and counseling.
