Could all of this be because our M has been a SSM

[Bagheera]

First off, congratualations on the progress that you two HAVE been making! He's really in there trying, and so are you -- keep it up!

Seocnd: have patience. Easy to say and hear, harder to do, I know. Making significant changes in a relationship, and making them 'stick' permamently, requires doing things in small, --sustainable-- steps. It means consciously making a decision to do someting differently day after day, until it finally becomes habit and comfortable, and only THEN, upping the bar and moving on to the next level of change. His giving you more support around the house and with the kids is a HUGE and necessary step on his part: lay on the appreciated for, and acceptance of, him and what he does generously (but genuienly) -- the more encouragement you can offer, the better. One month of change does NOT make a habit: if he can keep this up for 6 months to a year, THEN you've got sustainable progress.

Thirdly, on the issue of romance, affirmation, and THE CHASE, as I refered to it when you first posted here, there are three ways you might be able to get the message across to him:

(1) Tell him directly that this is what you need. Have an open and honest communication about your need to have his attraction for you affirmed, and then to have him actively romance and pursue you. Admittedly, most women could never say the above, and doing so just ruins the affect: you shouldn't have to ask for it, and it feels artificial and conttrived if you do, right? However, consider this: many married men don't understnad a woman's need in this regard. I know I didn't. I watched my wife read hundreds of romance novels and never GOT the fact that these fed an inate need on her part to feel desired and to be romanced and seduced. We were married. I had litererally CAUGHT the girl....why then, should I need to keep 'chasing' her?? I finally woke up and GOT it, but it took a major epiphany to do so.

(2) If you don't want it say ot directly, but can get him to read a self-help relationship book, then I would recommend the first several chapters of The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, by Gary and Barbara Rosberg. Alternatively, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnarch also gets very good reviews here on this board.

(3) Have you found a counselor that you can both go to yet? This is something that an MC might be able to teach him an get him to start practicing. In this manner, the advice comes from an educated third-party, rather than seeming like a 'complaint' from you directly.

Hang in there and be patient, Dug_In: you're on the right track and making progress.

-- B.