While the INITIAL impetus for change on your spouse's part may be a fear of losing you if they don't do so (i.e. coercion), over time, they will hopefully begin to see the benefits for themselves, personally, and will want to keep the improvements in your intimate relationship rolling along on their own.
It takes time -- months, at least -- to reach this point. You have to be patient and let them discover (or re-discover) their desires for intimacy on their own time-frame. Initially it WILL feel like you are coercing them and forcing them to be intimate with you. And they will feel like they are being pushed and prodded into it. You'll need to keep your own desires in check, and apply just enough pressure 'on the reins' to keep them moving forward, while not pulling so hard as to make them **really** uncomfortable and make them balk or bolt (yes, we're back to mule analogies).
My wife and I are a little over a year into our recovery process. When we first began this journey, my wife could easily do without sex at all, and rarely wanted any form of touch or intimacy. She was comfortable and stable behind her 'shield' or 'bubble' as I think of it. Initially, she ONLY began making changes toward increasing the level of intimacy between us because she understood that if she didn't, she would lose me, period --> I made it very clear that this was no idle threat, that this was our last chance to make it work. Did I feel like a heel and an a$$ in laying out such an ultimatum? Yes. However, for the first time in years I was being honest with both myself and her about our relationship, rather than continuing to resent her and count down the days (like a prisoner monitoring his prison sentence) until the last child graduated from high school and I ended it then. I put my cards face up on the table, so that she could finally see clearly the consequences for NOT working with me to fix our relationship.
At the same time, and I think that this is very important, I made it very clear that I was willing to bust my butt and MAKE CHANGES MYSELF, that would benefit our relationship. I was willing to make significant changes within myself, meet her halfway, and work to meet her needs in the relationship, to make her feel loved in the ways that are important to her. I made it clear that I was willing to work as hard as I was asking her to work, at making things better between us: and yes, that included finding a sexual pace and level of intimacy that may not be my 'ideal' or 'dream' level, but one that we could both be happy within.
With time -- months -- of work on both of our parts, she has slowly but surely begun to experience an 'awakening' of desire within herself for both non-sexual and sexual intimacy. She's starting to want this not just to save her marriage, because it is of benefit to HER as well, and she can begin to see and experience those benefits. But, it's all still very fragile at this stage, and all new, and can all too easily be shunted aside in favor of our old, broken mode of operation. I've been thrilled to watch this new 'flower' of desire break the surface, but man, do I have to really watch myself and not attempt over-water or over-fertilize it.
You guys have been talking about your desire for sex as a craving, and by not having it, you crave it all the more. I can identify with that sentiment wholeheartedly, For years, I felt like a kid outside of a candy store, only able to look at the display windows and dream. Now, I have a different problem: I've been let into the candy store, and it's all I can do not to binge-eat and make myself (ourselves) sick. The as-yet unhealed part of me is crying "Eat all you can now, because the cop's about to come in the door and haul your undeserving butt right back out into the cold again." My struggle at the moment is to take things slowly and in moderation, and keep the 'candy eating' healthy and pleasurable for both of us.
They can't develop a desire overnight, any more than you can stifle your 'candy craving' overnight. Baby-steps and patience is needed, by both of you.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
