Hey Peace, yes feelings can change but it takes time. Hubby has to do his part. My wife was repulsed by me at one point. This morning she made a date to play topless air hockey with me while the kids are at school
We are not perfect or healed but are healing. It can happen. It took me 6 months of DB'ing before my wife began to want much to do with me. It's been 2 years and just last week, she said thinks she is starting to really feel safe with me. YMMV but it takes time. You are at the beginning, your feelings are natural and not uncommon.
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 11/24/0803:33 PM.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
wow, thanks for the words. I wasn't asking for the pat on the back, but it's appreciated!
I have such a hard time in doing what you say. About really telling him word for word what I need. My thinking is that, if they don't want to do _________: then who am I to change their mind? I'm not going to MAKE someone do something they don't want to do on their own.
But now that you say that....What's my other option now that I've gotten to THIS point. We're basically now at the bottom of the barrel. What have I got to lose? nothing...
another question just came to mind...if anyone knows. If I am so repulsed by my H. HOW in Gods name do I maintain composure when he approaches me with anything? This is what I mean about being fake. I am not a good 'yes - honey' person. My emotions are clearly lit up on my face.
My thinking is that, if they don't want to do _________: then who am I to change their mind? I'm not going to MAKE someone do something they don't want to do on their own.
Yeah, this is me too...I mean I've tried to tell him what I want, but I don't force it for this same reason. Meanwhile, he is the opposite, he thinks it's his responsibility to make people do things. I think this is exacerbated in our family by them owning their own business.
I reject the idea of controlling other people so thoroughly, it's anathema to me, because I so desperately don't want to be controlled, that I go too far the other direction. Not goooood.
I'm of Scottish descent, and I read a book about Scottish history and I thought...that's me. I don't want to control or conquer anyone, but by God, no one's going to conquer me...not even the Roman Empire!!! LOL.
another question just came to mind...if anyone knows. If I am so repulsed by my H. HOW in Gods name do I maintain composure when he approaches me with anything? This is what I mean about being fake. I am not a good 'yes - honey' person. My emotions are clearly lit up on my face.
Approaches you how? I don't think anyone is asking for more than cordiality at this point. You can be courteous to people you can't stand, I bet....that's not being "fake." Then go run around the block a few times. LOL.
I guess take the pressure off of yourself about how you are "supposed to" respond. Just do today. Be courteous today. Don't pretend to have feelings you don't have.
I know he's looking for signs of things being 'fixed'. Like if he grabs my hand or wants a hug - I'm still seriously in the over-the-top anger zone that I back off or am just simply not comfortable.
I know he's looking for signs of things being 'fixed'. Like if he grabs my hand or wants a hug - I'm still seriously in the over-the-top anger zone that I back off or am just simply not comfortable.
Then...you need to express that. Yay, Peace's next chance to express herself.
You are simply not comfortable with that. If the R is going to improve you will continue to need that space. Be specific as the guys say. I am not ready for hugs and hand holding...or whatever it is you are not ready for.
I can tell you that faking it won't work and "accepting" affection when you are angry will make you even angrier.
Guys, here is the exactly where things break down between the sexes. If you tell your man exactly what you need, that is in no way controlling, that is communicating. From a guys point of view. Remember, I am the dumb guy former LBS. LBS guys just want to know what they need to do to make it right. Peace, you've said communicating is your problem. Is it possible you are confusing communicating with controlling?
Breakaway, I am not that familiar with your sitch so perhaps yours is different. If you are sure you are communicating to your husband what you need, and he gets it, and he still won't do it that is a problem.
I can only speak from the LBS husband perspective. Peace's husband sounds willing just clueless. I will try to read up on your sitch. If I can offer anything of value, I will.
All I can say is as a guy, who hangs with guys. Most of my guy friends all feel like they are fumbling around trying to make their wives like them love them like they used to. The boneheads never seem to say this to their wives but they will admit it to other men. Even the ones who are cheating, whose girlfriends I've met, the've said they would prefer to have no girlfriend and a wife who treats them well. Amazing! I don't know how it all gets so complicated.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
