Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Maybe this is a question for people who have "made it to the other side," but really when do you start feeling comfortable in your R again if things are improving? Every indication I have gotten for the past 3 weeks has been positive, or at worst neutral, yet I am always jumping to the worst conclusions in my head, even with the mounting positive evidence...

Today H IMd me to ask if I would be working from home any days this week, and followed it up with "I am just thinking".

My heart jumped, and I was so worried as over the last few months him thinking has meant thinking about us, and has led to scary R talks. Turns out he just wanted to know if I'd be home to give a check to our dogwalker. In fact then he followed up to talk about putting the old TV in our room to watch shows in bed, which was a very clear indication that we would be in the bed together. We then went on to talk about the new computer we are buying together etc.

So I know I am not meant to be over analyzing, but for some reason now that we are finally getting back on track in terms of the R, I am more worried than ever. I catch myself thinking about the things that H said to me when he told me he wanted to S, and how much pain I was in. I think about the times where he couldn't stand to be around me, and the empty look in his eyes. I am going to have to let those things go in order to keep moving forward. It's just so hard sometimes. Is it normal that when things start to improve the LBS gets caught up in the past like this? I haven't said a word to H about any of those thoughts and feelings, and I will not do so in the foreseeable future. There seems to be no reason for me to walk on eggshells anymore, but I am anyway. When does this feeling go away?

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful, ridiculously, deliriously grateful for where I am at. I really am. I just want some idea of when paranoia and fear start to lessen...

ITH