Whoa...lesson learned...and here's what it was...my wife called tonight to answer my question about how the baby was doing - and she was in her usual belittling mode - trying to put down my parenting skills and imply that I don't know how to take care of our S2 because I was concerned that he had an ear infection yesterday - and she says he was totally fine today...
Anyway...since before she moved out, we never talked about what we're doing - if this is some sort of trial separation or what, etc - and so I made the mistake of trying to discuss the separation with her - and she took the small opening of a conversation to start her usual attacks - telling me that I can't change, that since she's moved out I haven't changed at all - and that I still have no respect for her...this was utterly surprising to hear, since I've been nothing but polite and accommodating since she moved out - and have validated and stayed very calm through her darkest moments...
But she brought up my mistake of getting something out of her car as evidence of my lack of respect for her - and then brought up the fact that I was playing with our baby one day when she came by to get him - since she believes that I should try to bore him (her words) before she comes by to pick him up - that way he doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything (more of her words). She then said, "if you really cared about your son you would act like an adult and sit him down and watch a movie or something before I get there so it will be easier on him when I pick him up." And she kept repeating that "if you cared about your son" line a few more times - and I finally snapped - for the first time in weeks - I just snapped and told her to f--k off - since she had no right to tell me how I love my son - and she hung up on me...which is fine...but, my goodness, I do believe she is utterly insane now...and just doesn't know how to recognize anything...three weeks was not enough for her to settle any of her anger apparently. So I'm going to go dark now - completely dark save for talk about our baby or finances - and that will be it.
I read a lot of Kalni's threads today - from months ago into today...and I could see how strong Kalni became - how much she recognized about what she deserves and should expect from her partner - and it made me so very away of the importance of letting go - it's not just a step or part of a process - it's necessary to strengthen ourselves - so very, very necessary - and so I am going into that next phase of accepting the silence at home - at least on some Sundays - as part of what I will have to live with - and I will have to make the most of that time to myself and life my life to the fullest. Today, there were a lot of tears for me - and the pathetic cries of what happened to my life, what happened to my wife...but the answers to those questions will not ease the pain - or release me from the solace of some quiet Sundays when I will be home alone - rather, I have to stop dwelling on those questions and focus instead, and truly, truly focus, on how to make the most of my life and my time.
Here are some positives from the recent months: I've gotten into better shape than I've been in for ten years. I have reconnected with friends in a profound way. I have spent some amazing time with my S11 and with my S2 - both individually and together. I have rediscovered a relationship with my father. I have written more. I have exercised more. I have gone to more movies. I have felt attractive to someone (surprising how nice that felt). I feel no anger when my wife isn't around - and I mean none at all...mostly just calm. I've rediscovered my spiritual side. I've heard my muse more than I have for ages. I've cleaned the house and rearranged it in a wonderful way. I've gotten a voice-over gig (for a script I wrote for a kid's show). My writing partner and I have gotten an agent. I've gotten some more writing assignments than I've had in a while. I've gotten healthier (physically) still working on the mental health. I've slept a bit better - though not as well as I should. I'm regaining a lot of self-confidence that I didn't even realize I had lost.
