New Here-From Newcomers- hoping for more input...

[Separated]

Hi OP!!!

Sounds like you had a good Sunday!!

In reading your situation with H and his female friends, I thought I was reading about my H!! LoL. This was one of the things that also led to my seperation because I could not handle it. Now with my eyes wide open I have realized that a large part of it had to do with my own low self-esteem and I was intimidated. Honestly, I don't think either of our H will ever change this attribute about themselves so to me the best way to deal with it is to realize that they married US not those other friends but US which makes us the special ones in their lives.

I think once we realize this and understand that these other 'friends' probably couldn't be compared to us even on our worst day it is easier to deal with and handle.

I think that Jody's suggestion about doing more romantic things are great. Cooking and baking together is always fun.

[optimistwife]

Thanks Sep,

I agree with you about the female friends part, although it is a tough one to swallow. It is such a slippery slope... Especially when he isn't choosing the marriage over the 'friendship'.

Anyway- Have been trying to turn up the heat. I had an amazing day today with flirting on the phone! H was talking and I kept on coming up with snappy/flirty comebacks! I managed to sneak in that his butt was good to grab too (he was talking about playing with something), and he said something about looking good in some clothes-I said he looked good without clothes too! And it came off well- we were both laughing.

He came over the other night. He wanted to cuddle- fell asleep on the couch with his arms around me. Then he woke up and wanted to make out. Then one of the dogs threw up- was sure that all bets were off. Cleaned it up, he woke up again and picked up where he left off! Today he asked me what I did to seduce him! I let him know that he's the one who started it all- twice! Thank god for sleepy men and their desires!

Anyway- it was a good night- and he cuddled this am. He's planning on coming back tomorrow night to visit again.

He has his big test on Monday-so I am laying really low. No demands, sent a bunch of food home with him. I guess that is kind of parenting, but Oh well...

It seems like most of the women on this board have issues with controlling, jealousy issues, parenting their spouse. Maybe this is just the hallmark of trying to 'have it all?' Some twisted version of filling the roles of a man and women?

[Belle]

Good to hear that things are going well....

I don't know about you but I learned a lot from my parents - my Mom does everything for my Dad! Got to break that cycle.

Hopefully your H does well on his exam. I know how that goes when they don't do well!

Keep us posted!

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

It really sounds like things are going well for you and your H. I love the flirting bit especially. I need to try and do that myself.

In terms of the female friends and the marriage, I know things aren't where you want them to be yet in your marriage, but I don't think he is choosing his friendships over the marriage. You are still married, still spending nights together, cuddling etc. For whatever reason, and you would know what those reasons were, your M broke down and as you've mentioned part of it may have been due to issues around jealousy etc. I think when the WAHs are so frustrated, feeling smothered etc., it seems like they really act out and act like everything matters more than the M, i.e. everything they weren't "allowed" to have before. I truly think if you just "allow" these things, and show that you aren't impacted, they will become less important to your H. Does that make sense or seem reasonable? I might be reading my own sitch in yours, but as you've said it seems most of the Ws on here have/had issues with being controlling etc. I can say that my H felt like he wasn't allowed to go out and do things. When we first S, he went out all of the time, and made loads of new friends, even though by nature he's not really an extrovert and prefers to stay in and play video games. He did things with his new friends that were things I always wanted us to do together, like going hiking etc. This gutted me, but it seems now like he was rebelling against me in a way. Now, he rarely goes out, and I think part of the reason for that is that when he does, I just ask about his night instead of freaking out. Not trying to hijack, just giving an example...

How did Jody feel about the progress in your sitch? Did she see you as being on the right path? Do you feel like things are getting better?

I wouldn't worry about the sending food home with your H. I think this is a kind, nurturing thing to do, and you're not in a place where you need to be dark and show him what life is like without you. Seems more like you are transitioning back to showing him what life can be like with you, and my guess is you are a caring person who likes to do nice things for your H.

Anyway hope to hear more from you this weekend, and hope you're having a good one so far!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

Thanks for your input. I do think that you are very right about a lot of things you said. I set up our relationship as unequal very early on, by being the working one, paying all the bills, making all the decisions, while he was either applying to school, or now in school. Instead of being just his friend and lover, I became more like a mother (ick). Even though I would do anything for him (and did), he never saw it that way (now I know different love languanges). After his big setback in school he sought support from his friend. Yep- it killed me too to see all the things he would do with her, but never with me.

I do think that things are shifting back toward my direction. And he hasn't given up on the marriage yet- you are right. It seems like he is finding that all these 'great' friends maybe aren't going to be there in the long run (such as his EA- which he told me tonight that she's crazy- he hasn't talked to her in weeks. Wonder what happened there?)

We seem to be talking like friends these days. We've actually laughted a lot this weekend. He spend Sat night and all day Sun. here. He is more and more affectionate- and even called me sexy last night. And he woke up to ML! It really feels good to be around him again- it is like my old H- the good parts. I am trying to project my good parts too.

There was an interesting brief conversation... He woke up saying that he doesn't seem to sleep very well here- wasn't sure if it was the pets, the ML in the middle of the night, or just he was more used to his other bed. I agreed that it was possibly all of these things. I said that we could fix that in the future by getting a king size bed. He didn't say anything after that.

It is funny he said that- because I do think I sleep better alone at this point too! Now that I am not grief stricken at night, I am used to spreading out, having all the covers, etc. It is great to have him next to me in winter thought, and I do like just having our legs intertwined or touching.

Well, this is getting lengthy. I'll finish more later...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Yeah on the sleeping alone thing, I too found it hard to readjust to sharing a bed. For the first several days I would lay awake most of the night. Now it's nice, but still a little weird since there is still an emotional distance that means I can't wrap myself around him like I'd like to. Maybe that is part of it for you and your H as well? I know you are making progress and getting closer, but there are still hurdles to overcome.

I do think they usually get to a point where they realize the new friends, while maybe fun and exciting at first, aren't really the ones who will be there for them when things get ugly. I think the friendship stage is crucial to reconciliation for just this reason...you get the opportunity to be the same kind of friend that these new people have been, but your H knows that behind this friendship is real emotional depth. Glad that things are going well for you there, that you are laughing and spending time together. It's also really great that you are spending nights together. How frequently do you talk when you aren't together?

What are your proposed next steps? Also, do you keep a solutions journal for goals, baby-steps etc?

ITH

[optimistwife]

Just a bit of Journal for the day.

Off from work and enjoying just laying on the couch. I broke part of my tooth over the weekend, but luckily didn't do horrible damage to it per the dentist this morning. I have my final (hopefully) appt. next week to finish with a crown or cap.

I finally bought the 5 Love Languages book today, and also the new one which is Love as a Way of Life. That will be my reading for the next few ).

H called a bit ago and he has finished taking his Boards exam! This is huge for him and he feels pretty good about things. We have plans to spend Wednesday together. Would love to see him before that but am respecting that we don't need to spend all our time together- ie he has his own life. This is good for me. For all my worrying that he won't need me anymore- he still chooses to spend time with me.

Anyway- I am in a good place with my heart today. I reread all my earlier posts (I had't found the board until several months into this) and can see how far we've come.

[Belle]

Good to hear that your heart is good today!!

Thank goodness he's in a good mood about his boards. I know exactly how that goes when things go badly!

I have the 5 Love Languages, just finishing it up. I think my H's love language is physical touch, and I don't know how I can do that now, things are not at that phase yet. I know I can give him hugs and stuff, but it's just not the same as other touching!!

Do you know what your H's love language is?

[optimistwife]

Well, it has been a strange week.
H has finished his boards on Monday, which is one of the major things he had to get through. His plans for going out with his friends fell through so he has been staying at the house since Tuesday. I don't really ask how long he is staying, as I am working on not being controlling and evaluating every action of his.

He's been in a funky mood though. More distant, less affectionate. He seems to think his test went well, so I really don't think that is it. I am not sure if it is being around his family, the holidays, or if he just has some time to think about our situation.

He has been commenting all week that he really wants a new video game coming out, and that I could buy it for him. After reading the 5 Love languages I have realized that on of my H major LL is receiving gifts, and this has been an issue for us in the past that he has not felt loved because my LL is acts of service and I continually am trying to do things for him- which he does not appreciate.

So I went online today and purchase the video game, and then sent him an e-mail with a pic of the game saying merry x-mas. He didn't seem so pleased about it- said I didn't have to do that for him, he would have rather gotten it from a different place because it came with an extra something or other. In the end he e-mailed back and said thanks, but the gesture feels like it fell flat.

He has been going through closets packing leftover stuff from the house. I am trying to not read into this, but it seems like he is clearing the remainder of his stuff. Perhaps he is vascilating towards things not working out and doesn't want the guilt of receiving gifts from me?

I am not sure. Things have been going fairly well for a while, but still no R talk. There is a huge elephant in the room. Not sure what his thoughts are about him and me, but he has been talking about (by that I mean sharing) his future plans with me ( but not about us)

[optimistwife]

I just seem to be having one of those 'bad feeling' days. My vibes tell me something is wrong. H is at home now, but when I called to say I'd be home from work he said he was going to be taking stuff over to his apt. to drop off. And then hang out there for a while and work out. I get the feeling that he is kind of avoiding me.

I seem to only have feelings to go off of these days and I am getting a wierd one. I hope I am really wrong, or he is just going through some stupid holiday malaise.

I have been guilty of getting my expectations up lately. Thinking about things working out (part of being positive). But not sure that this is what H has in mind, although I don't understand why then he wants to spend so much time over and hang out.