It's official.......what now?

[mishka422]

so who was in your dreams then Mishka?

You know who......really disturbing.

I found NLP worked quite well for panic attacks..

Forgive me, but what does NLP stand for? Is it something like aversion therapy? I used to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I had negative thoughts. I haven't done that in a while but I probably should.

I'm sorry your cousin was a bit rubbish, people can get a little wrapped up in their own lives hey. You only just got D, so you were bound to be feeling a little fragile and in need of supportive company? Did you tell your cousin you had been upset, or did you just talk to her about the dinner?

My cousin wasn't really rubbish, she is having so much crisis in her own life, it amazes me that she functions at all. She is my closest cousin (more like my sister. She is 10 years older than me and practically helped raise me. We were together nearly every week all through my childhood and teens) and her mother is my aunt that died nearly 1 month ago. Then, last week, her MIL died. They have been in DEEP financial trouble for the last year and have nearly lost their house several times. It's a complete and total mess in her life. I don't want to dump my crap on her at all. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with me.

She and I are the masters of "wearing the mask". We perfected the art! Everything is "just fine" all the time with a plastered smile on our faces. No one sees our pain, no one hears about it. We deal with it. This is where I spill my pain. I encourage her to spill hers on me, which she does sometimes, but I never know what to say to help. I just listen. I know she would do the same but seriously, I just can't do it to her anymore. She has too much.

I think I'm past exhausted. What is the next step? Slap-happy? Delerious? Maniacal? I think I'm hitting whichever of those it might be.

There is no way I'm going to make it through these holidays without a major breakdown. I can feel it coming on already. There are so many coping mechanisms that I have heard about but the only one that appeals is curling into a ball, putting on earplugs, and staying locked in my room until after new year's. Can't do that - how would I work constantly? The radio station I listen to was advertising a new Christmas CD from one of the artists and I started hyperventilating in the car on my way home from church. It was horrible! I used to love Christmas. I loved Christmas music, decorations, shopping for presents, and baking. I don't want to do any of it this year. The holiday reminds me of all the devastation that happened over this time last year. I fear that Christmas will never be happy again for me because Gabe chose my favorite time of year to destroy my life.

1)Can't get decorations down from the attic. Too heavy for me to lift through the tiny hole in the ceiling of the garage to the rickety step ladder and no one to grab them at the bottom.

2)No money. When I say no money - I mean NO MONEY! I may have $50 to get Christmas dinner. That's it. No presents, nothing for anyone. No baking, no day after Thanksgiving shopping marathon, NOTHING!

3)The decorations are full of memories I don't want anyway. Why would I want to look at all that crap that is going to tear me apart anyway? Forget it. It can all burn for all I care.

Yep, it's official, just rename me Scrooge! Bah HUMBUG!