It's official.......what now?

[Bruce1]

Mishka:

I've been away from these boards for several months, but as my own D nears final stages I find myself drawn back and found your situation. Not much to add that others haven't said, but I will throw my two cents in that I wish you well during this painful time. Sometimes we think we are doing relatively well, and then we slide back into more pain. Such is the process of uncoupling from someone who has been a part of our lives for so long, I guess. Take care, and take it one day at a time. We will have bad days, but that does not mean that tomorrow will be bad too. I wish you well

[ernest88]

Is it horrible that it made me feel really good? It's horrible isn't it? I feel happy that he's looking miserable. I don't know if that is how he is feeling or not and really don't care. He brought everything on himself.

It's not horrible at all..I don't think..

[goldeylox]

(((Mish)))
With all you've accomplished this week, I think it's okay if you need to blow off a little steam. It's good that you saw things for what they were (panic attack, cousin headed out) and took healthy steps (okay, sorta healthy) to mitigate.
Don't drink and post like I did a couple of weeks ago.
I'm stressed about seeing STBX in court on Tuesday, but honestly, I don't feel anything but pity for him now.
So, if you need to enjoy a moment of satisfaction about his cr@ppy appearance, so be it. Maybe hold off on the happy dance until he's gone though.
Tomorrow is a new day, make the best of it! Peace.

[mishka422]

so who was in your dreams then Mishka?

You know who......really disturbing.

I found NLP worked quite well for panic attacks..

Forgive me, but what does NLP stand for? Is it something like aversion therapy? I used to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I had negative thoughts. I haven't done that in a while but I probably should.

I'm sorry your cousin was a bit rubbish, people can get a little wrapped up in their own lives hey. You only just got D, so you were bound to be feeling a little fragile and in need of supportive company? Did you tell your cousin you had been upset, or did you just talk to her about the dinner?

My cousin wasn't really rubbish, she is having so much crisis in her own life, it amazes me that she functions at all. She is my closest cousin (more like my sister. She is 10 years older than me and practically helped raise me. We were together nearly every week all through my childhood and teens) and her mother is my aunt that died nearly 1 month ago. Then, last week, her MIL died. They have been in DEEP financial trouble for the last year and have nearly lost their house several times. It's a complete and total mess in her life. I don't want to dump my crap on her at all. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with me.

She and I are the masters of "wearing the mask". We perfected the art! Everything is "just fine" all the time with a plastered smile on our faces. No one sees our pain, no one hears about it. We deal with it. This is where I spill my pain. I encourage her to spill hers on me, which she does sometimes, but I never know what to say to help. I just listen. I know she would do the same but seriously, I just can't do it to her anymore. She has too much.

I think I'm past exhausted. What is the next step? Slap-happy? Delerious? Maniacal? I think I'm hitting whichever of those it might be.

There is no way I'm going to make it through these holidays without a major breakdown. I can feel it coming on already. There are so many coping mechanisms that I have heard about but the only one that appeals is curling into a ball, putting on earplugs, and staying locked in my room until after new year's. Can't do that - how would I work constantly? The radio station I listen to was advertising a new Christmas CD from one of the artists and I started hyperventilating in the car on my way home from church. It was horrible! I used to love Christmas. I loved Christmas music, decorations, shopping for presents, and baking. I don't want to do any of it this year. The holiday reminds me of all the devastation that happened over this time last year. I fear that Christmas will never be happy again for me because Gabe chose my favorite time of year to destroy my life.

1)Can't get decorations down from the attic. Too heavy for me to lift through the tiny hole in the ceiling of the garage to the rickety step ladder and no one to grab them at the bottom.

2)No money. When I say no money - I mean NO MONEY! I may have $50 to get Christmas dinner. That's it. No presents, nothing for anyone. No baking, no day after Thanksgiving shopping marathon, NOTHING!

3)The decorations are full of memories I don't want anyway. Why would I want to look at all that crap that is going to tear me apart anyway? Forget it. It can all burn for all I care.

Yep, it's official, just rename me Scrooge! Bah HUMBUG!

[goldeylox]

(((Mish)))
We're in the $$ crunch as well. The kids don't want to hear it, but I tell myself that we have all we need, right here. God will take care of our every need, before we even know we need it.
Helps me sleep at night anyway! love Goldey

[ernest88]

You know who......really disturbing.

if you mean CG then i hope it disturbs you in a good way....

She and I are the masters of "wearing the mask". We perfected the art! Everything is "just fine" all the time with a plastered smile on our faces. No one sees our pain, no one hears about it. We deal with it.

acting as if.. I get it.

Slap-happy?

let's try to maintain the "slap Happy" for the immediate future..unless of course you want to go all batchitt..

There is no way I'm going to make it through these holidays without a major breakdown. I can feel it coming on already. There are so many coping mechanisms that I have heard about but the only one that appeals is curling into a ball, putting on earplugs, and staying locked in my room until after new year's.

OK...let's see..I remember telling you negativity sucks..let's attempt to stay positive. There are solutions for problems..Sometimes they don't show up immediatly and we have to hunt for them.

The radio station I listen to was advertising a new Christmas CD from one of the artists and I started hyperventilating in the car on my way home from church. It was horrible!

change the channel..listen to something else..let's stay away from country too..

The holiday reminds me of all the devastation that happened over this time last year.

let's change the trigger here..find a way to get back what you once loved.

I fear that Christmas will never be happy again for me because Gabe chose my favorite time of year to destroy my life.

Now...are you really gonna let this dude ruin Xmas for you forever?? You really gonna let him win?? with this?? You're actaully gonna give Xmas over to Batchitt crazy?? We gonna have to rename Christmas, Batchitt crazy day??

1)Can't get decorations down from the attic. Too heavy for me to lift through the tiny hole in the ceiling of the garage to the rickety step ladder and no one to grab them at the bottom.

CG will help here...or a neighbor...someone can help you get these down..it won't take 5 minutes..give me a break..

3)The decorations are full of memories I don't want anyway. Why would I want to look at all that crap that is going to tear me apart anyway? Forget it. It can all burn for all I care.

I don't believe that either..and a plus for putting things up..you can put up what you want and not have some DAM huffing and puffing cause it's not up right to suit him..

I'm still working on number 2..I will offer up this..as an alternative to doing something as far as gifts, have you ever thought of giving to someone less fortunate?? Like serving at a salvation army dinner/homeless shelter dinner?? They are always looking for volunteer servers....and it's true giving and costs nothing..

[mishka422]

Gabe is taking my mom to the Dr. again today. He asked if he could use my car since his tires are bald and it's supposed to rain. What was I going to say? No? I don't think so! He has my mom and son in the car with him.

I was on the phone at work when he got here so I couldn't go out and switch keys with him. He had to come in to my office. Talk about him walking into hostile territory! They were all very nice to him. He ran into my boss outside and when she came in she had this funny look on her face. I asked her if she ran into Gabe outside. She said yes, and he looks like a down and out guy!!! He looks horrible! I just smiled at her. She said, "He chose this for himself. Good, he deserves it."

OH..........VALIDATION!!!!!!!!!! I'm not crazy, I'm not just seeing what I want to see. He really is a total mess and not just by my opinion. Boy, bad choices really come back to bite you in the a$$ don't they?

Now...are you really gonna let this dude ruin Xmas for you forever?? You really gonna let him win?? with this?? You're actaully gonna give Xmas over to Batchitt crazy?? We gonna have to rename Christmas, Batchitt crazy day??

I don't want to let him ruin my Christmas Mike. I really don't. I just don't know how to change it up so that it doesn't remind me of everything I've lost. The focus of the holiday's for me has never been gifts (giving or receiving) but the atmosphere, the reminder of the gift given to the world to save us, the family togetherness. The last one is the painful part. Family togetherness. I don't have my little family anymore and it hurts so bad. You all probably think I'm nuts. I've told you that I am from a HUGE family. I really mean it, HUGE! For Thanksgiving there are 46 of us for dinner. That is just family, not including the friends that all of us have invited who may not have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving. This is only one branch of the tree. We have close relatives all over the country who would all get together if we could. We are a tight group and no one has ever been able to figure that out. We like it that way.

My little piece of that HUGE family is the only part that is missing. Yes, we lost one member but I feel like I've lost everything. How dumb! I do battle in my head over this constantly because it just seems so ridiculous to feel that way. Geeeessss!

change the channel..listen to something else..let's stay away from country too..

It was only a commercial and it freaked me out! Awful! I wish I could stay away from country but that's all they listen to in my office. I have my media player on as loud as I can turn my speakers without disrupting the office to drown it out some. I used to love country music but there is too much meaning behind too many of the songs for me to listen to it much anymore. I listen to a Christian radio station and the music is very uplifting - the commercials are not!

I don't believe that either..and a plus for putting things up..you can put up what you want and not have some DAM huffing and puffing cause it's not up right to suit him..

He hated Christmas. He hated decorating. He couldn't stand helping with anything regarding Christmas. I did it all, I shopped for everyone. I did all the cooking, baking, etc. All alone. He wouldn't do any of it - EVER. Apparently though, he's all happy about helping the broom put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving. GGGRRRRR!!!! I guess he only hated Christmas because it involved me, not because he hated it in general. That is an ugly realization. What did I do that made Christmas so awful for him? Was I too traditional? Maybe that's it.

CG will help here...or a neighbor...someone can help you get these down..it won't take 5 minutes..give me a break..

I'm not going to ask CG to help me! No way! I couldn't do that. I don't know any of my neighbors, which is sad since I've lived there 8 years! None of us are ever home and outside. We have some waving aquaintances, that's it. I might try bribing my cousin's son's to come help me. If I tell them that I won't make their favorite macaroni salad again if they don't come do this then maybe it will get them off their lazy butts!

I'm still working on number 2..I will offer up this..as an alternative to doing something as far as gifts, have you ever thought of giving to someone less fortunate?? Like serving at a salvation army dinner/homeless shelter dinner?? They are always looking for volunteer servers....and it's true giving and costs nothing..

I have actually thought about that Mike. I think it would be a good experience for Marc and for me. I have done that before, when I was young, and it was so memorable. I love to give, much more than receiving. That would be a wonderful use of our time and energy to help those who have nothing. I'm going to look and see if there are any churches in our area serving meals to the homeless on Christmas. I do know there is the HUGE one at Turner Field on Christmas day called the Hosea Feed the Hungry dinner. There are thousands there that day. It might be a little too big for Marc to really be able to take any lessons from it. Working on it now.

Regarding Thanksgiving dinner, I have backed my way out of SO much of it this year. I broke down and told my family that there was no way I could cook like I usually do. I can't afford it and I don't have the time. They were just fine with it. YEAH! I did tell them that I would make a cheesecake (not even the pumpkin one I usually do. I'm making a plain cheesecake with a mixed berry compote topping), a squash casserole, and broccoli casserole. I am picking up fruit for a fruit tray for the warehouse.

Yes, you heard right - warehouse! My cousin is the president of a computer parts warehouse and we use it to play games before dinner. We set up a volleyball net, ping pong table, dart board, and several small card tables with various games on them. We do that from 12-5p and then we go back to the house for the meal and more card games.

I thought that if I spelled all that out to you guys I might get excited about it. Still not there but trying really hard!

[mishka422]

GEES! If anyone got through that rambling mess I'm impressed!

[Kalni]

Last Christmas were horrible for me. I would love to say that this year will be better but it will not be. But you know why, my dad's illness is affecting everything at the moment.So, I guess that's another way to realise that a divorce/separation is not the end of the world...

Call CG and ask him!! Why not? He is a friend and he would love to help I bet...
Love
K

Thanks!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish,
People keep asking me what I am doing for Christmas and I say "Chrismtas is cancelled for me, again, this year". You are not alone, I feel the same.. I hate going supermarket shopping now becuase of all the "seasonal" stuff

Like you, I LOVED christmas, big ole tree, would make decorations and buy the most thoughtful gifts for people (espcially my ex).. we had some wonderful times. And he left me 6 weeks before Christmas, which made it worse for me. Christmas morning last year, I swear I thought I was having a breakdown (mainly as my Mum started shouting at me becuse I wuldnt come out of my room or eat the breakfast she had made me and said I had hurt her feelings! But I digress). I was in a shop recently and Christmas music came on and I had to run out.. so, yep, its understandable!

Let it wash over you... this year wont be great.. maybe next year wont be amazing, but it wont be as bad as this year. Just accept you cant buy presents. Write letters instead. Dont sweat it Mishka, you had years of lovely christmases in the past, as I did, and you will have them in the future.

NLP is neuro linguistic programming.. reprogramming your mind. When you get anxious/upset, its just your own head doing your head in, so you learn to switch thoughts.

Great that Gabe is helping with your Mum. Sad he looks like a hobo now. Such a pointless destructive path he chose.
Ali x