My husband is finally reading the book; he is LD and I am HD. It's funny though that he is not getting the same thing out of it that I did. He commented that it was terrible how a couple married five yrs. would only be having sex 1 or 2 times a month. He went on to say that we are having sex 3-4 times a week. If we were having sex 3-4 times a week I wouldn't have ordered the book to begin with. I don't even know what to say at this point...
We've only been married a year but have been together for four years. This has been an issue from day one. I'm 45, and he's 38. I often wonder if he wanted someone older because he thought the sex part would be over in a couple of years.
Anyone else with a spouse who thinks things are better than they really are?
Quote: We've only been married a year but have been together for four years. This has been an issue from day one. I'm 45, and he's 38. I often wonder if he wanted someone older because he thought the sex part would be over in a couple of years. Cgal, a couple of questions, since he was like that from day one, why did you marry him? Did you sex drive increase in your forties, or has it always been this high.
Comments; when the kids were growing up, we had sex once a week if we were lucky, as the kids left and she turn 40, her drive went way up, she stated that she could have sex every day. Well I had become accostom sp to 1 a week, and she also wanted longer times than an hour. She commented that her GF and her H did it for 2.5 hours. So sex actually become work for me and I avoided it. Little secret, we only need a minute, we do the rest for you.
I've always had a high sex drive. However, I was previously married (16 years) to a man who was a verbal abuser AND avoided him as much as possible. I had no desire for my ex at all after the first couple of years.
My current husband is a very affectionate person, but it stops at the bedroom. He doesn't want to touch me, and he doesn't want my touch either. In hind sight I absolutely should not have married him because of these issues. I know that he loves me, and I love him very much also. I could cheat, but I honestly don't want anyone else.
I just feel like I'm dying inside, and I don't know what to do about it.
Yes, I know. I was only saying that I "could" not that I wanted to. I only want him anyway.
Also, I have talked to him about this. We talk about everything but haven't been able to resolve this. This is pretty much the only thing we ever argue about.
Quoting COgal: He commented that it was terrible how a couple married five yrs. would only be having sex 1 or 2 times a month. He went on to say that we are having sex 3-4 times a week... Anyone else with a spouse who thinks things are better than they really are?
At the risk of calling in fire on my own position: have you considered the possibility that your H's statement may reflect a reasonably honest -- if highly inaccurate -- portrayal of his perception of your mutual sex life? I don't think it was in SSM, but I remember somewhere reading a statement to the effect that, as the LD partner is effectively in the driver's seat in controlling frequency, and consequently is able to have sex as "often" as he or she wants to, that the LD partner easily (and frequently) overestimates by a significant margin the actual frequency. I don't know how you'd go about "proving" this that wouldn't provoke a battle, but there may be something here more than is obvious on the surface. I know my wife (although tending to get extremely upset at any indication that I'm "keeping score) has often done the same type of thing, although not to the degree that you've written. Just a thought; I wish I had some concrete advice to go with it other than not assuming the worst. I remember a co-worker's cubicle sign: "Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity."
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
Quote: I don't know how you'd go about "proving" this that wouldn't provoke a battle,
well since my h often assumes there is more frequency than there actually is, and then decides to tell me I'm dillusional or something, has even suggested that I have some memory problem and that I should keep a log or something I think perhaps I will.
I have in the past simply put a line or some other inconspicuous marking on the calendar noting the last time he initiated or accepted and then waiting to note how long it has been but that doesn't seem to work as h still thinks I've missed something. So then I guess the thing to do is keep a daily short journal, not simply noting sex but noting the day's occurances, anything specific about the day and of course if there was any physical contact.
this way it's not a battle, it's just mere proof of what is actually going on.
I guess it's very possible that it seems to him that we're doing it all the time; wish I had been there. He actually accused me of keeping track, which I do - mentally anyway. I'll admit that I do get upset when almost a week goes by with absolutely nothing while he'd be perfectly content with once a week or maybe even once a month. I've never had this problem in any relationship. I find myself wondering why he finds me so undesirable.
Quote: I find myself wondering why he finds me so undesirable.
that's the road that alot of us hd women end up traveling. don't. trust me! just don't. it's not about us not being desireable or unatractive etc. it's more about them and their desire, libido or what have you. Not meaning to say that they are the ones with the "issue" but please don't make it about you. I for far too long have felt that it was about me, that I was fat or ugly or dirty or something negative and that is why he didn't want me. bull crap. I am thin, I am clean, I am damn sexy (no really I am!! not conceited just convinced) h just has a low or fluctuating libido is all...strange but true...there are men out there who don't think about or want sex all the time and women that do.
