Had a decent day on my own...not great but okay. After a rough, sad morning, I finally got myself up and headed out for a pickup soccer game. It was good fun - and lasted about 2.5 hours - so it was a lot of exercise - which was nice.
I miss my kids a lot today - and it was kind of heartbreaking to come home to such an empty place - but it's what I have no on some Sundays, and so I'll have to accept it - and make the most of it.
I called my W this morning to find out how S2 was doing - because it seemed like he was getting an ear infection last night. She hasn't called back - or responded to my question - which I think is very petty of her.
It's odd...sometimes I sit here and just wish that we could have the happy moments back - but then I consider the memories in more depth and start to see the dark stuff again - the anger towards me and me S11, the lack of commitment to our family and to our marriage. The ways in which I felt used, taken advantage of, and taken for granted - and then I read through some of the other threads here - I read a lot of Kalni's stuff today - and realize how much this separation gives me an opportunity to grow and learn about myself - and it also gives me a chance to affirm what I want in an M/R - and what I will not put up with in terms of how someone treats my children.
My W is in a lot of pain - I know that - and I know that she is suffering through something terrible - but I just don't know if she'll ever come out of it and want to work on us - and so I concentrate on myself and on being strong, stable, and present for my kids.
What's strange to me is how much anger my W still has whenever she comes by to pick up our baby. She doesn't talk with me - she doesn't say hello or goodbye, and she ignores me if I ask her any questions about our baby...her behavior just seems so very childish and destructive - like she just doesn't see that being separated or divorced doesn't have to mean that we hate one another - or that we have to be angry at one another - and it pains me to think of how her emotions might affect our baby.
Yesterday, when she dropped off the baby in the morning, I opened the trunk of her car to get something I had left in there - she got furious and snipped at me saying, "That's inappropriate." I was in such a good mood that when she said this it just shocked me...and before I knew it I had snipped back saying, "everything you're doing is inappropriate." And left it at that...
I know I shouldn't have reacted to her anger - and I did backslide a bit there, but it just came out, and I had to let it be. For the most part, I am very kind to her when she comes by - and very patient with her when she snips at me or my S11.
