I screwed up again

[VeronicaV]

AN,

Thanks for taking an interest in my situation and for the compliment, I appreciate that very much.

As for our S's not saying "thank you," I have another idea about why they do not say it. I think they are so caught up in their storm that they cannot address our most basic needs. I think they may not see they are not addressing our needs. Given that, they certainly do not think of common politeness. My H will only sporadically say thank you to me now and it is very uncharacteristic for him.

I say this because I think the LBS has to be vigilant in maintaining as much PMA as possible. I am not suggesting to be Pollyanna about everything and make excuses for all manner of bad behavior. Rather, I am saying find positives when and where you can, and dismiss little negatives because they sap one's energy. Not that you seem to be making a big deal of this issue, it just struck me that it was a good time to give you this suggestion.

You sound grounded which is good and not easy to accomplish during all of this.

[AnotherNightmare]

Hi Beth,

You are probably right about not saying "thank you". But all these things stick out like a sore thumb and I always feel she does it to hurt me, to show me how she felt, to just pay back. I need to learn how to ignore them.

What is on my mind right now is the MC session tomorrow. I am not sure how this will go. I am rehearsing things I want to say (I may even mention very vaguely that I have met all of you and that I have heard my side and her side of the story from several different perpectives) and I am thinking about things I want to stay from (I will try to put no blame whatsoever on her, but I somehow may have to describe the nagging she did that drove me away). I am not sure what kind of questions the C will ask. I am also thinking about questions my W might ask me during the session. So I am as nervous as - well - I guess on my wedding day. I do not want to screw up and my primary goal is to get her to keep coming with me to the MC.

I worked on another 180 this morning. We have an exchange student, and my W has been driving her around mainly, because I was away. This morning I offered her to do it for her. She seemed pleased, but she is struggling very hard not to show it. We also had a situation this morning where I was joking around with my D5, and when I suddenly looked at her, her smile froze.

Little baby steps forward, but mentally I am trying to prepare for the next major step backward.

Thank you for everybody's support. Keep your suggestions coming. I feel a lot of confidence that we can get through this together and we will be successful in the end, one way or another.

AN

[AnotherNightmare]

Even though the day started quite OK, it is a little bit of a down day. There are those temptations of talking R to her, of just hugging her, of just telling her ILY. It makes me so sad, because I know I have to resist these temptations. I just wish she would say something...
This day surely tests my patience. Yesterday I was busy with the kids, but today I have a little more time to think. All the little signs I have seen, the encouragement that I have received from them seems to have evaporated. I know I have to get this out of my mind, but I can literally feel how OM is pulling her across the ocean and I feel less and less certain whether I can hold on.

Enough whining! Tomorrow is another day. I did not run today, because my D5 asked me to and wanted to spend some more time with me. But I have made my plans to get up early tomorrow and run for an hour. So techguy, I will follow your advice and get to bed early today.

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

Oh the ups and downs of this thing. What you are feeling is normal and will happen. It happens to me all the time. The best advice I have gotten from people here is as follows: when you are feeling down about your situation or are having urges to talk R with the spouse, or tell spouse ILY, it's time to focus on yourself and do something for yourself.

Also, the down feelings will pass just as some of the more hopeful ones haved passed. And both will come back.

I found that marking certain sections of the DR book, the sections that make me feel hopeful about my ability to save my R all by myself, and rereading them when I am feeling down have brought me comfort.

And, of course, posting here and talking with people on this board.

So hang in there, AN. You can do this.

Beth

[techguy]

I do not want to screw up and my primary goal is to get her to keep coming with me to the MC.

Ding Ding Ding... I was coming here today to specifically mention that. I told Beth the same thing last week when she was going to have a big face-to-face meeting with her H. I said: "your only goal in this first meeting should be to get a second".

So I would try to avoid pushing too much on wife. Sure, she is probably wrong in many things. But you want to avoid her feeling like she is being 'ganged up on'. (My wife has said the same thing about some of our joint MC sessions and threatened not to go back).

Just do alot of listening and some validating. And if C starts to push on wife, you might even want to try and defend her a bit... even if you think she is wrong! This is an excellent spot for validation. Something like this:

W: Says something about kids which is blatenly unfair or wrong.
C: Starts telling wife that she should approach it a different way
You: Validate... I.E. I know you love the kids alot, etc...

So you're not disagreeing with the C, your just validating and making it seem less like you are both telling her she is wrong.

If you play your cards right, you will have plenty of other meetings to 'fix' things.

[VeronicaV]

AN,

That is exactly the advice Techguy gave me and it works. He told me not to make the mistake that so many people make. That is you wait so long for something, in my case a face-to-face meeting, in your case a visit to a MC, that you go for broke and try to fix the whole R in one meeting.

As Techguy said, your goal is to validate and maximize the chances for more trips to the MC. You will fix things slowly over time.

Great advice Techguy.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Tech--

SHEESH!

Where were you when I was going to MC and the counselor was beating up on H? I thought that was the right tactic but boy did it backfire!

SMW

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth and techguy,

Thank you for your great advice and confirming what I am thinking. Something happened today that might screw up things a bit, something completely out of my control. My W's sister called 2 hours ago with really bad news. My W's aunt in whose house she basically grew up ended up in intensive care with a serious heart problem. It sounds like her chances are pretty dim. I feel honestly sad, because I really like her a lot, and my W has been crying since.
I told my W that I know how close she is to her aunt and if there is anything I can do for her, she should let me know. She started crying again, but I refrained from taking her in my arms and left her alone. At this point I doubt she will join me tomorrow, but I am not going to ask her until some time in the morning.

This has really made a bad day worse...

AN

[techguy]

Where were you when I was going to MC and the counselor was beating up on H? I thought that was the right tactic but boy did it backfire!

Hi SMW!

Like you, I've learned it the hard way. My wife refused to keep seeing the first MC we went to a couple of years ago. Then the first couple meetings more recently with new MC were dicey as well.

Both C's believe she is being unreasonable in multiple different ways. But trying to get a WAS to accept they are wrong is tricky business. It takes slow, slow progress over time. Not something you can fix quickly.

AN, don't feel too bad if the MC session gets cancelled tommorrow. You need to think of this as a marathon. It is going to take many months to 'fix'. Delaying your session a few days or a week is but a drop in the bucket.

We'll pray for your aunt.

[AnotherNightmare]

techguy,

I feel a lot of things right now, but certainly not bad because I am going alone to the MC session. I feel sorry for my W because she has been crying a lot. We have had quite a few little conversations last night and this morning.

Last night she was upset said something like "Don't you know what you can do for me? You don't get it!". This is really her typical of making me guess what is wrong. Fortunately I did guess right and said "I know you want to go to Germany and be with your aunt. Please go and let me take care of the kids. I will see what I need to do to work from home next week." Her angriness seemed to vanish after that.
After talking to her sister this morning, everything sounds pretty hopeless. According to the doctors, her aunt is expected to pass away over the next few days. On top of that, her mother (her aunt's older sister) is suffering, too. She cried all morning, but started to get ready for the flight. I told her again I meant what I said last night, if she needed anything, to just let me know and I would take care of it. If she needed a shoulder to cry on and could just forget it was mine, she could do that, too. She looked repulsed and said something like "ugh". I wanted to slap myself for saying that, but maybe 15 minutes later she came and hugged me and said I'm sorry. I assured her I would be just her friend and how much her aunt and mother mean to me, especially when I think of everything 11 years ago (they both were very supportive when she had the PA then - but again I am not sure I should have said that). She asked me to book the flight and the car in Germany for her. So she is leaving this afternoon.

I am torn. I had so many hopes for this week at home, but maybe the separation is not the worst thing that could happen. I can prove to her that I can function on my own (which she doubts) and I can even take care of the kids. I am not sure how often I should call her. I have a genuine interest in her aunt, but I do not want it to look like I am pursuing her.

I feel like I am making baby steps forward, but it feels like very thin ice right now. Thank you for everybody's support!

AN