Tired of the fight and ready to hang it up.

[Little Engine]

Journaling--So Mom and I went to church last night and I met some of our old friends from when we used to go there four years ago. Lots of memories last night, we sang "Open The Eyes Of My Heart," one of W's favorites. I hate crying when I am in church but couldn't help it. Pastor asked us if we were sheep(righteous)or goats (damned.) Considering some of the stupid stuff I've done, I felt like a goat, but he reassured us that we are sheep. It was a good sermon, and I am thankful for this pastor as he is also a good friend to me. I have been reading through the Stosny book "Love Without Hurt" that breakaway shared with me and it has been helpful. I am beginning to understand why I have been so miserable for the last few years. I spent time last night watching the OU/TxTech blowout and reading as well. The book is helping me uncover the rationale behind my need to blame my W and how that has given her all the power in our relationship and made me feel victimized. I was feeling pretty deflated after church and not at all happy with myself. My phone rang about 8:30, it was S and he usually doesn't call me on the weekends he is with his mom, so that was a welcome surprise and God at work. Talked to S for quite awhile--he was excited because they had picked up a Lego video game--D got a Christmas movie. Talked to D and then W got on the phone and chatted for about five minutes. Good positive conversation. Hung up and about forty minutes later phone rang again. W asking about DVD player not working. S said they could play movie on his game platform. Another positive conversation! I called my brother and was on the phone when W's number showed up in caller ID. I didn't click over in time and when I called back it went to VM so her battery had died. I finished up chat with my brother about a half hour later and sent W a text. "On the other line when you called, did you need something else" W texted, "Oh we got it figured out." I spent the morning watching the political shows and then read more of the book and watched the dismal Chiefs game. Came to work early to knock out some stuff before boss shows up at 9:00. S called me to chat and we talked for about 20 minutes and then W got on the phone. She is sick and sounds terrible. She asked if I was off on Wednesday and I said "That is our court date." She seemed sort of caught off guard and said "Oh." I asked "Did you forget?" W replies "Yeah I guess, I don't know I just want to put everything on hold." DAM Me says "Whadya mean?" W: "I don't know what I want or if getting a divorce is even what we should be doing?" I said, "Well we probably need to ask for a continuance, can you ask your attorney tomorrow?" She said, "Yeah he really wants to get this over with though." I said "I understand, but what do you want?" W: "IDK" The most common phrase in her vocabulary lately! So I will take it as a good sign and keep working on me. I told her I had to go as I had dinner plans and then needed to be back to work in a couple of hours. W started up on 20?'s. "Where are you going? Are you going with someone? Is it someone I know?" I just told her "It's not what you think" and left it at that. So was it wrong to play the jealousy card? I figure it isn't going to hurt at this point. W has always been extremely jealous so the "I don't want you, but nobody else can have you" mentality is in play for her. I'm sure it is bugging her. Oh, I did tell her "I just want to say I'm sorry for some of the stupid stuff I've done the last couple of weeks. I know it hurt you, and that hurts me. It's not who I am and I have just done it out of frustration."


Any opinions, 2X4's welcome!