I see no point in trying to say everything LL just said by rewording it. I will just say "ditto" on every point.
All that I would add in addition is that, my H also thought that his A being discovered meant the end. If it is possible, I think he beat himself up over it even more than I did.
I pointed out quite a few examples of people we both know who's marraige had survived after an A. H wasn't aware that they had gone through that, and I wanted him to see examples that there was hope.
What I didn't tell him was that in every case, even in the marraiges that ended up much more strong and stable that before-A, the betrayed spouses have all told me the same thing:
Even though you can find a strange kind of gratitude for the positive changes that occured when they had to piece their marraiges back together....
The feelings of betrayal and violation NEVER really go away. Like survivors of a near-fatal car accident, there are many similarities. I suppose it is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome to one degree or another, depending on the sitch and how much damage was done.
I've heard those spouses describe that the triggers that set off a wave of emotions get fewer and less intense over time, but that it never REALLY goes away. I think it is realistic to expect that I will probably experience the same thing those people describe. How could something be erased that effects and changes you down to the very core of your being?
I believe that it will get easier as time goes on...fewer flashbacks, fewer nightmares, etc. I believe that learning to live with the process is the deliberatly chosen price I am paying to save my R.
