I definitely have some thoughts -- I'll post to you later today.
I'm sorry I never followed your sitch sooner; it certainly has all the classic signs, and there may have been some things we could have done before this deepended. But I actually doubt it -- she seems VERY determined/stubborn, and some things probably need to play out anyway.
I do think you have hope, if you want to save this, but it would involve:
- some pretty "scorched-earth" stuff, esp. on the financial front;
- her parents' support
How likely are you to get the latter, especially if it involves the former??
As for things we could have done, I too doubt it (finally). In the absence of repercussions or consequences, she has absolutely zero reason to second guess her decision at this point. I agree that things need to play out, and in this case, D is one of them unfortunately. 60 days, especially living apart, is just not enough time for MWD herself to bust a D.
As to your question, I would say "unlikely" but let me hear your feelings on it anyway.
At the end of the day, she is still their daughter.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
{{{Super}}} Just a hug for you for all that you are going thru..tho your sitch is not "unique" unfortunately, it is definitely "special" because it is happening to you..and it's very unfair..
I know that doesn't help your sitch..but hopefully knowing people care will help you in some way!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Another question I had for you is, when you say you exposed to "everybody" -- how wide of a circle was that? I've often said that the trick is to be FIRM, without conveying TOTAL HOPELESSNESS. Your wife may be feeling like all of her boats are burned behind her, and there is no hope for a reconciliation even IF she were to agree to it. The purpose of exposure is to enlist a small sphere of influencers in the wayward spouse's life to help you support the marriage, and exert pressure on them to end the affair. It is NOT to humiliate them, and I'm guessing she feels humiliated.
Finally, what would need to happen for YOU to feel like working on the marriage at this point? You sound like you're already "done."
Super Star, no offense but you did leave out the part that when you "confronted" her it was in the middle of the night...you woke her up and confronted her and threw her out in the morning.
NOT condemning you for that...I probably would have done the same thing, AND thrown my H's stuff out the window if it were me! Or in the dumpster.
He is not wealthy. I'm betting he makes less than I do. Honestly, I don't know much about him other than he is her co-worker and is younger than both of us. I may have met him at a party, but he obviously did not make much of an impression on me.
As for the sphere, it is all-encompassing. At the advice of my C, I told anyone who asked what happened the whole truth as I knew it. I limited the details to what I knew to be true and could prove, and left out anything that I could not prove. I could not prove a PA, and I said so every time. Everyone in our circle knows.
As for me, I am willing to try anything. I am beginning to understand exactly how hard it would be for us to get back to a good place, but I am willing to put forth the effort. Neither one of us ever made overt efforts to "work" on the M (I thought we were fine...) so I think it would behoove us to at least try before cashing out and running. She on the other hand told the MC that she was done and had zero interest in any effort what-so-ever. "This is not a cry for help" was her (W) quote during the first session.
I understand that this all hinges on her willingness to try, but she has not wavered a millimeter since the bomb. There has been zero R talk for over 2 months so I am not POSITIVE this is still the case, but she has not shown me otherwise. We do not talk at all.
She is steadfast and determined like I have never seen her before in my life. She tries to be nice to me, but it is the kid of nice that you have for a puppy or lost child. I have been strong and PMA for months around her.
Thanks in advance.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
In my opinion, she's way too much of a "Princess" to make it with this guy. She's going to crash, and come running back to you at some point.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do right now, other than let her crash. I do think that if she EVER wants to come back, you're going to have a ton of fallout to deal with from how wide the exposure was. Like maybe setting up your home together in another town or something.
Super Star, no offense but you did leave out the part that when you "confronted" her it was in the middle of the night...you woke her up and confronted her and threw her out in the morning.
NOT condemning you for that...I probably would have done the same thing, AND thrown my H's stuff out the window if it were me! Or in the dumpster.
But I do think it's germane to the breakup story.
This is true. She rolled in at 3:30am after closing down a bar and I got the email from the PI at 4:00AM. I woke her up and confronted, and after she FINALLY admitted, I asked her to leave.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
In my opinion, she's way too much of a "Princess" to make it with this guy. She's going to crash, and come running back to you at some point.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do right now, other than let her crash. I do think that if she EVER wants to come back, you're going to have a ton of fallout to deal with from how wide the exposure was. Like maybe setting up your home together in another town or something.
Puppy
Man, I wish I had more faith that you were right, but her "new" (post-bomb) attitude scares the hell out of me. I don't even recognize the person she is right now. It's like some switch got flipped in her head and she just shut me off like a light.
Is there any point at all in me laying it all on the line right now?
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
