Tawnya, thanks for the pep talk. I will get myself out of here today.
I realized another reason for my melancholy, it just came to me last night: H and I would be in Quebec right now for our annual Thanksgiving trip. We have gone each year since we purchased the condo and we always left for the trip the weekend before Thanksgiving. This is really hard for me.
It also occurred to me that H will probably avoid me like the plague until after Thanksgiving for much the same reason. It was so funny when he told me he had too much work to go there (he had planned on going alone). We both knew he was lying (he can easily work from there). There is no way he has the emotional strength to face the ghosts of our relationship that haunt that place.
I am the one living with the ghosts and getting stronger and stronger. He has the new place to live, the new furniture the new silverware the new everything. The old Beth would have called him on his excuse and scrapped for a fight about it. The new Beth just let him have the peace and quiet he seems so desperate to have by accepting his reason for not going.
I found out he'll be spending Thanksgiving with a friend and this has eased my mind enormously. Now that I know he has depression, I was so worried about his being alone.
So, today I must try my best to focus on me, to make myself leave the house, to run, to read for me - not for H or the R -.
I must admit I have still not been able to have fun. I cannot get rid of the heaviness in my heart. The best I seem to be able to do is distract myself for a very little while, but fun is still elusive.
