Coffee....check. Smokes...check. Thumbs ready for monster post...check.
Last night was fun....I actually have no after affects!!
MC yesterday C had requested that her and I meet alone the last time we met as a group. Her and I go thru our weeks events...even the dreaded bday night...I was crying when I talked about it. She has asked me to find a way to tell the kids their mom is a great mom and that she loves them and I love her....while in ear shot of W!?! Kind of a strange request. We chatted about an enconter W and I had on Monday morning...I never posted about it. I went into Ws cave before I left for work...I was very calm and quiet...I apologized to her if the legal stuff was not going fast enough. I told her I have a lot of things to think about...this is very dificult for me...I told her I still love her and care about her....please be patient. W was not angry...she actually commented she thinks about me a lot....still cares about me...doesn't hate me. She actualy commented that she has said these things to her IC and he asked her....why do you want a divorce then? I shared this and a couple other things with MC...W still folds my laundry....tells me about her day...we both watch the TV show House..from seperate rooms....then mute the sound during commercials to chat about the show....little stuff.
This next part is kinda strange..... C asks me what stage legal stuff is at....can I put stuff on hold? I tell her W has made no real forward motion...I am ready to get this going. So....at the stage I am at my mind really doesn't think "emotionally".... 2 scenarios.... 1. C has actually met with W alone a few times during our visits. W is at a point where....as Sandi2 would put it ....she is willing to be willing to try. Of course C can't tell me....W would "sense" that I know?? 2. MC....who has seen this stuff a bunch of times...just has a gut feeling???
MC asked me to continue loving my W....without words...using actions...I said I have been doing this all along....coffee....listening when she does talk...1 day I put gas in the van and got a carwash...I never said anything to W about it.
Something else that is weighing on my mind..... For those of you who's spouses are involved in an A.....I am sure your trust level is at zero...or damn close. How does this affect your perception of your spouse as a parent?? I think to the times when my W was telling me about her rendevous with OM.....and I was home with our kids!! I could recount them all rite here...won't really help but I am sure you all get the point. How can I let this person....be incharge of our kids?? Some of the stupid things W has told me she wants to do in the future...have more babies...which she can't....stay out all night....fall in love over and over again...don't really include parenting!!?? I told MC that W has said she "needs the kids"....her needing them is not a healthy need. I know I don't "need" my kids...I want what is best for them...will accept whatever they give me....but need??? No. Lots for you guys to suck down....this from the guy who usually just has a good joke....
FYI...... No man love last night!!!!! Later all
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
