PM Thread #2

[PositivelyMommy]

H picked up D6 for camp. I just did not feel like seeing him today because this morning I put on my music and I listed to 'Nothing compares to U' by Sinead o'connor. I burst into tears in the car and had a mini-breakdown. Felt sad the whole morning. So I thought, that's it, I don't want to be around him because I would get more sad and then angry.

I then called my best girl friend and she took me out to lunch and spent the whole afternoon with me. Girlfriends are the BEST. She is a gem, she knows my situation, has stood by me, gave me my confidence back and is nursing me thru this period of chaos and emotional turmoil. I would recommend a true girl friend to everyone here. They will stick by you no matter what.

[davidswife]

Hi PM,

I wanted to post on your thread this morning. It sounds like you did the right thing by calling your friend and spending some time GAL.

It's good that you're able to assess your emotions and then make decisions about interacting with your H according to how it would make YOU feel.

Do you have any plans to spend time with H this weekend?

I'm praying for you!

dw

[Tawnya]

{{{{{{{PM}}}}}}}}} I'm glad you had a friend help you out..I have a few that I can call when I need it, and I really have appreciated them so much

Hope you are having a good day my friend!

Tawnya

[Can it work]

Hiya PM. I've really been valuing your posts on my thread so thought I'd come here as you asked and return the favour.

First of all, congratulations on doing as well as you are so far. It sounds as though you've been through more than any one person should have to endure in a lifetime. I differ in my sitch in that I'm certainly not aware of any infidelity on my W's part. From that side, I have to admit that I find it difficult to picture myself in your shoes and don't know how I would react. I was sitting here wondering how I could possibly advise somebody on something I knew nothing about first hand. Then I had a realisation though. I do have experience of this first hand but from the other side. I never cheated on my wife but in my younger, wilder days I wasn't as trustworthy as I am now.

I was seriously involved with a girl and we got on wonderfully. I'll swear to this day that it was the first time I really felt like I was in love. I'd just started working abroad and she was so, so supportive of my life and work that everything seemed perfect. Then the other woman came along. Beautiful, mysterious, flirtatous and interested in me! She knew I was in a relationship but had her sights set on being with me. In my life back then, things like that just didn't happen to me. I had always done the pursuing in the past. To be sought after like this was new and exciting. I lost sight of the fact that I was in love with a wonderful, faithful girl. I went for the fresh excitement and feelings of recklessness. For a very short time I was pumped up on adrenallin and felt on top of the world. No girl had ever made me feel this way. First time I was away at work though, the girl couldn't stand being alone so she cheated on me and ended up pregnant with someone elses child. By then, I realised what a fool I'd been and tried to rekindle things with my first love. She was having none of it though. Life lesson learned well and truly.

Sorry if that seems like I've gotten off track a bit there PM but the fact that you still seem to want your H speaks volumes to me. If my first love had accepted me back, my life may have turned out very differently. What I'm trying to get at is that it seems that your husband is blinded by lust right now. I can't comment on whether it's a MLC because I have no experience. All I know is that it's more than likely he will come straight back to you if the A ends. I can't sit here and promise the A will end though. Life has no absolute certainties. IF he comes back to you, that's when you have to become a more decisive person. You can't ask him if it's ok for you to do things. You tell him what it is you're going to do and you do it. You seem like such a nice person but that's not always a good thing. You can still be a good person but you need to be your own person. Don't let your H or anyone walk all over you. Gene Simmons once said: "I am me. All the time. No one has to like it. Except me. And, I like me just fine."

I think you're very strong to hold on while he's doing this to you. My main success came from accepting that my marriage was over. It happened very quickly in my case. I resigned myself to the fact that I could do nothing about the way my W was feeling. All of a sudden, I started acting like I should have been acting all the way through our M. I'm still a good person and strive to only do good things in my life but I'm no longer a 'nice guy'.

Sorry this is such a long post but my head seems to explode sometimes when I'm typing and all this nonsense comes out. Lol. I hope it helps and I apologise to any veteran DBers who see all I've just said as rubbish.

[PositivelyMommy]

CIW, thanks thanks so much for your post. You gave me so much to think about and it's so valuable to see things from a male's perspective. thanks for admitting you are not perfect and was blinded that by more exciting, mysterious girl. I think definitely OW pursued H. They work together, OW has been to my house for dinner, has met my children. I think H is infatuated, flattered and finds it irresistable. I am the faithful one (not perfect by any means) but very accomodating, moving countries for him, dedicated and loyal and I get screwed.

Life is so not fair.

You said "All of a sudden, I started acting like I should have been acting all the way through our M. I'm still a good person and strive to only do good things in my life but I'm no longer a 'nice guy'." What did you mean by this? I want to be more like you and not be walked all over. Can you give me some examples? I don't want to be passive agressive, just strong and confident. But I was taught to give things if you love someone so am finding it hard to reconcile the two. Examples would be hugely appreciated.

[PositivelyMommy]

{{{{{Tawnya and Davidswife}}}}} I guess that's a group hug!

Thanks for looking in on me. I went to the gym this morning and was feeling pretty good until H called for us to pick him and D6 up from the bus. The bus came late. First thing he says is, "I'm late for my exercise class." Sorry but very bad thoughts came into my head at that moment. It's great he went to camp with her but again all he was thinking about was HIS schedule and getting back to HIS PRIVATE LIFE that we have no part of. I felt uncomfortable then angry. I am still mad.

We were gridlocked because everyone was picking up at the same time and he tried to tell me how to drive. I took the hands off the steering wheel and asked him, "Do you want to drive?" He muttered, "Sorry." I was still livid and started braking hard - passive-agressive behavior, I know. I wanted him to know I was mad at him but I didn't say anything to him because D6 was in the car. He made small talk with D6. When we got home, I came to the computer and logged into here. He's gone now to who knows where doing who knows what with OW.

Then this Sunday he says he has to go on a business trip. I think he's lying. WHATEVER. But I do wish he would stop lying. I don't want to hear it anymore. Tired of more lies.

Mad, mad, mad. I picked him up, doing him a favor because he didn't want to walk TEN MINUTES DOWNHILL to our house and he's complaining about being late for his life. Ughhhh!

[davidswife]

{{{{{pm}}}}} I'm sorry to hear that things don't seem to be looking up very much.

It sounds like your H is still lost in the fog, thinking lots about himself - his wants, needs, etc. This is all such painful stuff, but if you can try to detach a little and not take his attitudes and selfishness personally. I know it's difficult, but if it can keep you from getting too discouraged and negative, it's worth it. Pray, my friend - I know I'm praying for you.

Remember, this is about him - his choice. I feel that my H would have made his bad choice no matter who he was married to. They feel so flattered - I think they're heads get so far up their a$$e$ - it's hard to believe.

I hope you have a better day - just try to concentrate on doing something nice for you and your children.

dw

[Tawnya]

{{{{PM}}}}} Ugh..sorry that the day turned out so crummy for you my friend!!! I agree with the "it's all about me"..my husband even tells me that's where he's at right now..in his actions..

I hope you have a good weekend..have anything fun planned for YOU?

Tawnya

[Can it work]

Hi PM. I'm really sorry to hear you're not having a good time of it right now. Now, examples of what I'm doing....

I read a book by Dr. Robert Glover called 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. It's aimed at men who seem nice but who never seem to get what they want out of life. I don't just see it as a male problem though. The book has helped me so much and I also belong to an online support group related to the book. There are various exercises to learn to incorporate in to your life to improve yourself inside and start getting what you want. One of the main things I think I took away from it was stop using covert contracts. These are things which you find yourself doing to try and spark a certain reaction from people. Such as, 'If I do this or act like this, hopefully they will start being like this.' You have to stop changing things about yourself only for the purpose of seeing how your H reacts. Any changes you make have to genuinely be because you believe it will make you a better person. I found it so hard because I wanted my W to love me so much that everything I was doing was to try and get that as an outcome. Because I was doing things for that reason, I think it came over as false. I offered to sleep in the spare bed initially because I thought it would make my W see how understanding I was. It didn't. It made me look weak. After reading the book, I told my W that I was moving back in to our bed. She was the one who wanted seperate beds so I let her make up her mind. She told me she didn't feel she was ready to share a bed again yet. I told her that's fine because the spare bed had just become vacant! She was in it less than a week before we ended up in the same bed again. The secret is to believe completely that you are worth their love. You are worth his love. Trust me. You mentioned in my thread that you worry that acting stronger may push your H away more. You MUST get away from this frame of mind. If you become a stronger person and he rejects that, you must accept it. You'll still be the better person for it. Part of making yourself stronger is making yourself face up to how life may be if things don't work out the way you want them. I know you love your H dearly and want a wonderful R with him in your life. That's still possible but you need to make yourself in to a strong, independant woman who is able to live without him before that can happen. All these help books seem to agree that sometimes the things we do to get what we want can seem counter intuitive. I don't understand why they seem to be working on my W but I'm damn thankful that they are.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I'm no expert but I do wish you all the happiness in the world. Never lose sight of who you are. You don't need to change who you are, you just have to become the you that you know you really are inside.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hello {{{Tawyna}}} {{{Davidswife}}} and {{{CIW}}}.

I woke up feeling a bit down still so went for a jog with S8. He is such a sweetie. We just started this together because I wanted to get some exercise in on Sundays. I feel very different on days when I exercise and days I don't. So last Sunday, S8 suggested we start jogging instead of walking. So we did. He struggled a little at first but I kept encouraging him and now he wants to do this with me every week.So it's very good. But I still felt down after the exercise.

H showed up, I put on my DB face, friendly, happy but not pursuing. We went out to lunch as a family, as we usually do. We talked about the children a bit and he left because of business trip. I don't know if that's the truth or not but am trying not to care too much. What if it's the truth, what if it's just a lie? Doesn't make much difference anyway because in his mind he doesn't have to answer to me anyway. In reality, he can do what he wants because if I ask questions, then it will seem controlling and I don't want to seem like my old self.

CIW, thanks for your detailed e-mail on how to be you. It's very interesting for me because I have the same personality. I really need to improve that part of me. I will watch out for the book. I DO need to become stronger for myself, not for anyone else. I DO want to believe that I am worthy of love. I DO need to work on being an independant woman.

I have a pretty self-esteem but I do let my man dictate our choices in the past because I believed (wrongly) that would make him love me more. I really need to work on myself, not from improving self-esteem point of view but be more assertive without the anger or what you called it, 'covert contracts'. I thought about this concept all day and I DO do it all the time. You are right on point here.

Great advice! Think of anything else, just let me know!