lan - I believe that one of the major problems in my marriage was me failing to meet my W's physical needs - too absorbed in other things and not emotionally available to her in the way that is needed for a meaningful physical relationship to flourish.
But, i did not appreciate the depth of hurt experienced by my W as a result or any real understanding of its importance - I think Kalni's suggested approach is spot on - it communicates things in such a was as would have made a difference to me I think.
Can you find your own words for Kalni's "theme" ? Would these feel comfortable to you?
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
I don't think that W's condition or the drugs she takes affect her libido, after all they didn't stop her cheating. Even when walking up a flight of stairs would leave her breatless she still went outside our M and performed arobics in a hotel room knowing it was potentally life threatening. (ok I overstated a bit).
At the moment W suffers from this and it does cause her some discomfort so yes she won't always be in the mood.
But K, the way you put things is exactly the way any sort or discussion should be approached, I will just be careful and try to find the right time to discuss things.
FIL came round for a chat with W today, I think he feels he missed out on somthing when MIL came round without him yesterday. I spent loads of time with D7 which was good, we are working hard on her maths cos shes not very good,and needs extra tuition.
Anyway I'm on the computer at this late hour cos W and I were in bed watching TV together and guess what....... (regular readers can fill in the rest).
Anyway heres to an interesting week ahead (or so it says in the stars for Saggitarius).
Hey Sweetie, haven't been to visit you in quite a while, so thought I would drop by. I kind of scanned the posts to catch up and I see that the ML timing is off. Well, that was always the story in my stitch. My timing and my H's timing is about the worst in the world. But somebody did sum up pretty well what I would say to you:
Quote:
Instead of shooting for The Big Event ML, how about just making being flirty and suggestive more of a regular everyday occurrence? I'm not saying initiate every day of the week, but maybe just make that undercurrent of "I want you", "You are desirable", etc. more of joyful, regular part of your daily life? I could be reading into it, but maybe that's what W is saying when she says "let it happen naturally."
Hope they don't mind me quoting them.
I always tried to tell my H that if he would act flirty and playful throughout the evening or day, then I would be more in the mood to ML when bedtime came. One thing also, is not to wait too late to go to bed. When couples do that, then one of them is likely to fall asleep before the love making. People are over worked and over stressed in life today.
I would say that if couples did not "act" married all the time that would help.....lol. Kind of takes the romance out of it to feel so M. (Just kidding, but I think you know how I mean that.) I have told some other men on the board that I think couples forget how to act sexy after marriage. That is important to do all the time.....not just when they are wanting sex. It is little things that each one does that the other one sees as being sexy. But, I think being flirty (for me, anyway) was always the best ticket. Just try not to show anger or be in a sullen mood. That does something to a woman that I can't begin to explain. I know men feel rejected or let down, etc., but when they have that......sullen mood that shows up so bad when they didn't get any.......it kills something in the female and it takes a long time before she is in any mood herself to make love. So, in the long run, it isn't worth showing her a sullen attitude. Not that you did......I'm just throwing that in, free of charge.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lan - Have you read 5 love languages ? Has your W ?
I'm maybe thinking you could read that in front of her (others knock me here if this is to much) and then she might be inclined to read herself. Then she may suggest you do the stuff in it as she may not be fully aware of you need.
Also, she probably feels some guilt still re OM. Having not been in that sitch, I'm not sure how she might overcome that.
I was just thinking I should really drop you a line to see how things were and then as if by magic you stop by to see how I am. It's good to hear from you and to see things are much better in your own sitch.
I have read what you have posted to me here and I will take it on board.
Back to last night and W falling asleep (again).
I talked to W on the phone, I was actually reading Arthur's thread at the time and I just said "Same ole frustration" (Arthur's title). To which W replied "I'm sorry for falling asleep again". She said the problem is she just enjoys snuggling up against me and the warmth from my body just send her to sleep as she feels so safe and comfortable, also it is something we haven't been able to do for a long time for one reason or another and she just enjoys being there with me. (Quality time is her LL). Anyway I am in an open office at work so I can't really give my side of the conversation in depth but its just a light hearted chat that we have.
Tonight I have to explain some mortgage details to W, yep money is still tight but the mortgage is low down on my list of worries as the building society has retained me on 4.89% for another 2 years. Then W and I will have another cosy, cosy night in, I'm not gonna stress too much about it cos this time last year a cosy night in seemed a million miles away.
