Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your post. Last night I cooked pasta in alfredo sauce. It was pretty simple. I had made banana wheat pancakes in the morning though, and these took quite some time since I made them from scratch. Tonight I may make something more elaborate. Cooking was something I missed SO much when I was in Poland. It's sort of unspoken around here, always has been, that I make dinner. H will say things like "so what should we have for dinner tonight." I think in the 7 years we've been together, he's cooked once, though he's helped with things from time to time. This isn't a complaint though by any means. I have never asked him to do the cooking as I like my own cooking too much :).

I agree that making my own plans over the weekend seems to be a good thing, for a few different reasons. It gives me something to focus on besides H and work, it gives H space whether he actually wants it or not, and it validates to me that he is thinking about me since he constantly reaches out.

Yeah the joint purchases thing is weird. I'd mentioned that last Thursday he'd made a passing comment about how "with our situation" it isn't a good time to be making purchases. Still, that hasn't been said again, and we've literally spent hours looking at and discussing new computers since then. I think on Thursday H was just very irritable since he thought the computer had completely died, that he'd lost all of his files etc. Last night again H mentioned joining a gym, a gym that would be on his way home so that it could be part of his commute. This is such a good sign to me as he said that he didn't want to use his school gym since it was so far. When he was planning to move out he wanted to live by school...

This morning we looked at paintings online together since we have both been doing these sort of abstract acrylic paintings around the house. We talked about buying a big canvas and working on it together...then he asked me to send some of the paintings that he's been doing to his mother since he sent in our car tax form last week...again every conversation that involves his family is a very positive thing.

You're right that I should let H initiate the conversation. I have no problem with this as I'm pretty gunshy by this point anyway, and would actually prefer not to have a conversation at all. As long as this limbo is steadily improving, I can definitely handle the way that things are. I'm looking at New Years as sort of a potential turning point. I want something to shift for the better by then. All I'm looking for at this point is a bit more security. I want us to start making future plans together again since he finishes school in June and neither of us want to stay in Ireland. Until we have a discussion though, I feel as though my hands are tied to start looking for a potential transfer etc. To me the lack of conversation itself isn't as weird as the fact that we seemed to have de facto moved back in together. At this point still no discussion about me housesitting, and I am praying that it stays this way. I'll relax on that front if we go another couple of weeks without it being mentioned. By then my friend will be back from honeymoon, and H will hopefully realize that that option is no longer on the table. For my part, the best way to continue then is to be extra-aware of everything that I say and do. We used to fight like crazy, and a lot of that was due to me. Now when he is negative about anything, I validate like crazy and/or ignore as appropriate for the situation. I am not openly negative about anything, and am just doing my best to always remain on an even keel. I know that H did not expect things could be so peaceful between us, and my guess is that he doesn't trust the situation or me yet. It takes a long time to trust that the dynamic that was in place for so many years has changed I guess. Of course all of this means that there are things I cannot do that I would like to do. I don't ask H to do things with me at all. He felt that I controlled everything that we did, so now I don't make suggestions unless it is to remind him of a suggestion that he has already made.

So that was a long, rambling post...thanks for reading it if you got all the way through. I am going to get dressed and go jogging now. My goal is to keep up some kind of exercise routisne and make sure I don't let it all go to waste just because I have H back in my life...

ITH