This is just me venting. A letter I wish I could give my ex but know I can't:
-------- My beautiful princess, I love you so much. Right now I don't know how you are feeling or what you think of me. All I know is that I love you. I miss you so badly right now. I wish I was holding you in my arms. I remember the long drives you and I use to take in the middle of the night. It seems like only yesterday you had your head on my shoulder as we were simply looking at the moonlight - knowing that nothing matter but the love we shared. I would do anything to have those moments back - to have you back in my life. My life right now is full of regrets, full of shame, full of sadness for what I did to you and our daughter. I am the worst of all sinners. How can I expect you to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself. I wish I could have been the husband you needed me to be, the father our daughter needed me to be. I screwed up and I sorry. No apologize will ever be good enough. All I know is that that person is now dead. The man I use to be is no more. I am willing to sacrifice all I have, to give to you my uncommon commitment, to do whatever it takes to see you happy. Is it too late? Did I miss the mark so bad that nothing will bring me back to center, back to the target. I so desperately wish I had a second chance to prove to you how much I truly love you. I was a fool for treating you the way I did. I had no understanding of what I had. And now that you are taken from me do I now realize that I had everything that mattered. To love and be loved - that is the key to life - the only key worth dying for. I can only hope that one day your heart will open up and be willing to give us a chance again - to have our worlds collide and to be united in love. You are my everything. I don't know how I am going to make it this coming year without you. This winter seems so cold and isolated. My patience and faith is being tested to the utmost extreme. And yet you waited for me - only that I took too long to come back. So now I will wait for you, not knowing what the outcome will be. Regardless, may your days always be filled with love, joy and peace.
--------- I just can't stop crying right now. I truly am repentant. And yet it seems like forgiveness is not good enough. Restoration is the only thing right now that can make me whole again. I turn 30 this week and it seems like my life has just been wasted. I am broken, I feel like my heart is been smashed to pieces. And what hurts the most, is that my hand did all this. I went to Harvard and have proven to be the stupidest person on this planet. I know this crucible will make me stronger, that this fire is removing the impurities of my life. I just don't know how much more I can take.
