Thank you friends for checking on me. I am in an odd place right now. I am very angry. When ever STBXH is around me, the rage surfaces and all I can think is "I wish you would just die!" This has been disturbing to me since I am a "there is always a silver lining" kind of person. I DO see the silver lining in this, yet cant get past the anger I feel. Maybe it is because I could have died during the summer and he was not there for me.....I dont know. I have to stop focusing on him and return to me. So, this last week I have been preparing how to make that happen:
First of all, I keep trying to focus on my gratitude journal. I have been tired lately so was not keeping up, but can now see that I must do it EVERY single day to keep focusing on the positives in my life.
I have been GAL like you would not believe (also part of why I have not been posting as much). THere was a date with funny guy that turned into him being known as gay guy who does not want to admit that he is gay. And there is an up coming date with HOT guy who seems to be as dumb as a box of rocks on the phone but it might just be that he does not like talking on the phone (I really hope that is the case because he is REALLY REALLY HOT!!!) Still, it is nice to have some arm candy to boost the old ego on occasion.
My friends have been so wonderful during this entire process and there for me over and over. I made the realization the other day that I have more emotional support today than I ever did during my M. Made me stop and re-evaluate things from a different perspective. I am no longer looking at the M I had as a story book romance....it was not. There were good times and bad times, I can now see that it was not the "perfect" R.
I have been slowly distancing myself from my STBXH. Last night I sent him an email saying that I no longer wanted any contact from him unless it was about S and then only in email format. This morning was son's IC appointment and STBXH was taking him. STBXH walked into the house this morning w/o even knocking. It really p!ssed me off. COme to find out, he did not get the email. I finally told him what I wanted and he got mad.....said he didnt understand because he thought we were working towards a better R. I was shocked. I was stunned. He just does not get that we cannot have any kind of R as long as he is in a R with OW. I told him that while she was in the picture, I would not be. I know he prob thinks I am doing this total darkness as a way to punish him, I am not. I am doing it to let go of the rage that is inside of me. It is the out of sight out of mind mentality.
Found out that STBXH also has an active on line dating profile. Just shows how messed he is....he is living with OW and looking for others during this process. The truth will come out and he will get what he deserves. I dont need to focus on that anymore. I need to focus on me.
So, here I am, happy most of the time and raging the rest. I am trying to let the anger go because I truly dont want it. It eats at my soul. They say that anger is the final step before acceptance. God I truly hope so.
Thanks again for checking on me. YOu have all be lifesavers to me on so many different occasions. Thank you for your kindness and support.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Your H seems like he is in a weird "seeking" phase (with OW but still reaching out for other possiblities.. how sad...). I'm glad you seem much more level-headed and are just seeking some personal stabiltiy during a crazy time. Take care of youserlf. You are special.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You know, you have even more to be angry about than the average LBS spouse. Its justifiable. Its normal. Its healthy to realize its your anger, to work through it. You are doing everything right.
Your H wants you as his friend because 1) it lessens his guilt and 2) he still really wants you as a friend, he misses you.
And yes, my xH has, at one point, been dating OW, and 'cheating' on her (with ME and others lol). I S S U E S
R2C asked a great question, do you still have hope for your marriage?
Thank you everyone. I now dont feel so bad about the anger that I have been feeling. Do I have any hope left for our M? No, I truly believe he has thrown me away and is trying to move on. He still blames me for his unhappiness, so I cant see him ever having any desire to return. I do think, however, he wants me to be his friend so that he can feel ok about his choices.
Yesterday was STBXH day with S. He complied with the NC rule by waiting outside for S to come to him. He gets him from 10am - 6 pm on these Sat. By 1pm, I had a couple of text messages from him. He wanted me to pull out a couple of things and to get the title to the car he totaled. I did not respond but I did get them out. At 5pm, I was out with a friend and he text me that he will be dropping S off in 5 min. I had to respond "No, I am not home, you need to wait until 6." He replied that he would just go and hang out at the house and search for the title. I had all of my D paper work out at that moment and did not want him to see any of it. So, my friend and I get to race home and wait to see if he shows up. At 6pm he comes WALKING INTO MY HOUSE with S. I was so angry. I felt like he was violating my space and intruding into my life. So....tomorrow I am going to change the locks on the doors. Did not want to have to do that but I can see that in order to go truly dark with him, this is what I need to do. I even got a text last night telling me that he sent S an email. WTF?
Funny, before yesterday I think he has text me maybe 3 times in our entire lives. I honestly thought he would be happy about the NC.....a way to just get me out of his life. I truly just dont get him and have quick trying to anymore. It is an effort in futility.
On a more pleasant note, I am meeting "hot guy that doesnt seem so bright" tomorrow. I am looking forward to it and will let you all know how it goes. Thanks again everyone for caring enough to check in. I have been very tired lately so have not had a chance to catch up with everyone. Give me a couple more days and I will be stopping by to check in on all of your threads. It feels nice to be missed.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
DivorceCare also has daily messages that it sends to people who sign up, or you can access the reflections for any day on their web site. It has a Christian perspective, but there has been a lot of good points about anger on there...might be worth a look.
Thanks for all of the kind thoughts. These last few weeks have been hard, emotionally draining. I have so much anger now. I think once I got the all ok on my health the anger that I had been holding at bay came flooding in. I dont want to carry it, I want to just move on. So, last night I sent STBXH my NC letter. I have completely cut him out of my life. There is to be no interaction between us at all. I have blocked his email and the only way he can now contact me is through my brother. I know this sounds extreme, but I need it for my own health. He threw me away when I needed him the most, when i could have died. How do you get past that??? The only way I know how is the out of sight out of mind. THere is still a small part of me that hopes he will wake up, but I know he is not health for me anymore. I am hoping that the NC will help those feelings to fade as well.
When he first got the email he responded back with an ugly reply (I had not had a chance to block him yet). He copied it to my brother to make sure that I got it. My brother (bless his soul, he is a good man) call STBXH up and talked to him. Told him the rules of what he will pass on to me. He will only tell me the facts, nothing but the facts so all of his emotional crap and justification can be left at the door. STBXH tried to tell his side of the story, tried to get my bro to understand. Bro cut him off and said this was not about him and he was not going to listen to him on that. STBXH is mad because I am no longer willing to leave the house once a month so he can sleep here with son. Bro told him that if we were D, he could not even step foot in the house. He should be grateful that I even allow him his week night visits here. I think STBXH got it because tonight went off without a hitch. He got here, called me letting it ring once. I walked out the back door, he then came in the front door....NC. When I got back, I called him and he promptly left before I entered the house.
I have to do this just to let my heart heal. I dont want to look at anyone and think "I wish you would just die you @sshole." I hate having this much anger. I hate carrying aroung this much pain. THis is what I need to move on to happier pastures. I sure hope it works. I dont want to be one of those bitter broken people. I am the smiley happy kind of people (normally).
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
If this is what you need to heal, then I totally support it, and you. Its not hurting your son, its not hurting you, and who cares what it does to your H?
Quote:
I think once I got the all ok on my health the anger that I had been holding at bay came flooding in. I dont want to carry it, I want to just move on
Its almost like you are 'allowed' to feel now, and its crashing in. That's ok. And I promise, you will move on. You will feel better. You won't always be angry.
Its a wonderful sign just that you know you don't want to be this way.
We all know the WAS grumble and try to make us seem like crazy people when we enforce boundaries, but eventually they buck up and do it. Glad to see your H is doing it too.
I'll keep my eye out.... 