my X finally told me what drove her nuts about me. it was that I was never home. during the [censored] storm, she told me that everything I ever did was the reason she rode the strange weenier express.
now that i'm on the outside, i can say that I DO wish that I would have made more time for her. BUT!!! she didn't mind spending the money my long hours provided, she didn't shrug off the new cars, credit cards and the nice houses.
she was bored.
now that I have clear vision. I openly tell women I date that " I don't want to turn all your knobs and flick all your switches"
I want a woman that is strong enough to live without my constant attention. one that can survive without me telling her how special she is, or spend every hour with her.
The Man my Husband became was at times so vile and nasty that I never would have chosen him to be a friend. He would also tell me that OW was his best friend and there was no room in his life for me other than as the Mother of his children.
But unfortunately since we were Married and had children together, there had to be some level of civility.
There was no trust left, and after being on this ride for a very long time, I actually began to pity him. Maybe this is wrong, but I did have alot of compassion for him, I didn't hate him.
He really did look stupid in his hip clothes, and the way he used to sound was so ridiculous.
But I felt terribly sorry for him because he gave up so much, his children, his wife, his home, his job, just to try and be a happy person, and the more he tried the more miserable he became.
I did try to be there for him when he needed to vent but there were boundaries.
Praying for him seemed like the best thing I was able to do in order to be his friend. AmyC once shared about her Husband kneeling by her bed at night, trying to pray her out of her MLC. I was so touched by that.
The Man he has now become is my best friend and for that I am so grateful to have had so much support here to ride out the crisis and not give up.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I find the more I treat my wife as a best friend, the more she takes advantage of this. IMO It also sends the message that the safety net is there and strong, she can have her cake and chow down whenever she feels like it.
Being distant and kind in a civil way is about all you can do besides praying. I've never prayed so much and so hard in my life.
I see clear examples of my prayers being answered. This and my children are what keeps me going.
Pup--The BF thing works for some folks. Nothing is onesizefitsall.....even the grovelling thing. It usually doesn't work (grovelling)....but it does for some.
When something isn't working....try something else.
SOMETIMES the guilt a person feels is so overwhelming.....being their friend lets them know forgiveness and healing are possible....
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
my X finally told me what drove her nuts about me. it was that I was never home. during the [censored] storm, she told me that everything I ever did was the reason she rode the strange weenier express.
now that i'm on the outside, i can say that I DO wish that I would have made more time for her. BUT!!! she didn't mind spending the money my long hours provided, she didn't shrug off the new cars, credit cards and the nice houses.
she was bored.
now that I have clear vision. I openly tell women I date that " I don't want to turn all your knobs and flick all your switches"
I want a woman that is strong enough to live without my constant attention. one that can survive without me telling her how special she is, or spend every hour with her.
I'm a firm believer that 1+ 1 = 2
1+1+1 equals a ton of crap.
standers call me jaded and hateful
I think i'm more realistic.
do what works for you.
Well....do you mean NO TIME and NO COMPLIMENTS.....I hardly believe THAT, ford baby.....
1 + 1 = 2 ASSumes 1 does not equal 1.49
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
This is a great discussion. I certainly do not believe there is a pat answer to the friendship question.In my case , The Lord has made it clear to me that being friendly is my only choice. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror every morning. I have to stand before him and I certainly could not if I did not treat my wife with dignity and love.Whether she treats me the same is irrelevant.
I agree in the beginning being best friends is next to impossible.But I can say without hesitation, after 14months I don't feel the same as I did then. I am at peace, I may not be doing backflips with excitement that my marriage is on the brink of divorce. But it is in God's hands.It is his will that I need to concentrate on, not ony my wifes faults.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
This is a great discussion. I certainly do not believe there is a pat answer to the friendship question.In my case , The Lord has made it clear to me that being friendly is my only choice. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror every morning. I have to stand before him and I certainly could not if I did not treat my wife with dignity and love.Whether she treats me the same is irrelevant.
OK then, let me expand on this fascinating discussion:
Is it possible to treat someone with dignity, and lovingly, but not as a "best friend"?
Are we called to be loving and respectful (as I believe we are), but it's unclear that we are to be friendly?
Can one be FRIENDLY without acting as a BEST friend???
