Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Belle]

Oh, yes, I will be spending holidays in WI with my family!

He knows this......

[NikB]

Hey Trixi - how's things?

[Trixi]

Hey Nik-
thanks for asking. Actually there has been a lot of drama, but it involved my stepson and my in-laws. My H is still out of the country and won't be back until this Saturday or Sunday.

For the first time since July of 07 I spoke with my in-laws. Stepson needed rides to work (no license yet) and long story short, he is really messed up. While H is away, he is staying with my H's parents. SS tricked me into taking him to the hospital on Monday night for "his back pain". But he told my mother in law he got off work late when she asked why he got home so late. The next night I went to drop SS off and he actually encouraged me to come inside and say hi to the in-laws.
(later, he realized his mistake because she said something about him working late and it all came out that he had lied so he could get drugs.)

This story is so huge. And I am torn. My in-laws would drop a load of crystal coated bricks if they knew the situation at my H's. It became VERY clear to me that they don't know my H has a DUI; that they don't know the 25yo roommate smokes pot all the time.....ugh!!!!! Part of me wants to tell them the ENTIRE situation because they are wanting to "support H" in trying to help his son. UGH I can't even articulate what I am trying to say.

I don't want to "tattle" on my H. But since myself and the in-laws are being expected to "chip in" and help with driving the kid around, getting him to work etc, it seems like they should know that they are probably wasting their energy because of how my H is living...and maybe, just maybe, they would be able to talk some sense into him.

And I'll admit, I am TICKED that they called MY family low class and made it seem like the demise of the marriage was MY fault; and now, without me being there, H is going downhill. I want to say "SEE! Look! It wasn't ME. I flippin' saved his a$$ from himself! It was ME that kept the thing together and kept your son from self destructing!" Yeah, that's what I want to say. I want to say "Thanks for NOTHING. There was no adultery, no abuse, no addiction. The worst thing I did was have a thyroid problem- and instead of telling him to honor his commitment and make the marriage work, you helped him move out. After 10 years of marriage!" Yeah. that's what I would LIKE to say.

But I won't.

They want me to come by their house after I pick up H at the airport. (Assuming I am, that is.) They want us all to sit down and talk before SS has a chance to fill H's head full of lies.

I spent 3 hours with them night before last, 2.5 hours with them last night and then they called me tonight. My MIL said that she tried to call earlier because she was upset over something and was all "I have to call Trixi. I need to talk to Trixi."

The reason SS encouraged me to go in and say 'hi' was because my MIL told him that she was upset by something my H said. My H called up his sister and complained to her that he was mad at his mother for basically shutting me out of her life. When the sister told her that, she was hurt and upset because she "loved me" but didn't know "what her place" was in my life. {side note- I was glad to hear my H was mad about that.}

This whole thing has me very confused. And it is bringing up a lot of hurt. Maybe someday I can tell my MIL just how deeply they hurt me. For now, the focus is on trying to get SS straightened out. I feel like I am somehow an complicit if I don't speak up and tell them what is *really* going on in that house. ARGH!

[Trixi]

Spent another evening with the in-laws last night; from 5:30 til nearly 1am.
The interesting thing is that my FIL seemed very interested in me and like he actually liked me. (He is the one that has been the most verbal in the past about not approving of me.) HE was the one that invited me to dinner. HE was the one that called me during the day. And when I said I needed to find some sort of part time job, HE said he would talk to his business owner friend who needs more help.

What was also interesting is that I found out who's big idea the whole "We can get a divorce and always re-marry later". It was FIL's idea. I said something about feeling frustrated about the current situation because of the limbo and he says "Well, I told [my H] that he should do something to get out of limbo--you guys can always re-marry later." To which I said "OR, he could live up to his commitment and work on the marriage."

There were a few other times thruout the night that I tossed in some "OR": "he could live with his wife; he could reconcile; he could man-up" Like I said, maybe someday over lunch I can tell her all the rumors I heard and how deeply they hurt me and how I wished they would have encouraged him to stay.

Both the in-laws asserted that they did not try to influence his decision with regard to me. uh huh. :rolls eyes:

FIL dropped SS off at my old house and called me up to ask if I had seen the house lately. (yes) He said he was appalled at the condition of the house. That it was terrible, awful, etc. I just said, yup, uh huh, yeah. After dinner they both told me that I should put my foot down and tell him to get the house in order since it is still half MY house. (yeah, right. I'll be sure to tell a grown man who is making the mortgage payment to keep better house. sure.)

Found out that last year my H never even called his mom for her birthday. This year, FIL told H "You better wish Mom a happy birthday." So, my H dropped her an email... for her *70th* birthday. No present given before he left, he didn't take her out; nothing except an email. (hmmm....must have been his WIFE that helped him with those things in the past...hmmm...)

I told them that I was very hurt that H left because there was no abuse, no addiction, no affairs. There was no reason to leave. I said that I was very sorry for the thyroid thing, but I fixed it when I was diagnosed. They seemed a little surprised at the extent of the thyroid thing. Asked me lots of questions.

I haven't seen my FIL that animated and glad to see me in ages. My MIL gave me the biggest hug when I left and said she wants us to go out to lunch soon.

Right now, I am feeling vindicated (to a degree), but I have tears in my eyes because it's a hollow victory. My H still hasn't committed to rebuilding the marriage, so it doesn't really matter that the in-laws are having their eyes opened. (And they aren't FULLY opened yet. OMG. If they knew what was really going on in that house.)

[Trixi]

They want me to come by their house after I pick up H at the airport. (Assuming I am, that is.) They want us all to sit down and talk before SS has a chance to fill H's head full of lies.

I had a feeling he would dog me. He had the roommate pick him up. And he didn't actually tell ME *when* he was coming home. He just sent me a text saying "i'm back, roommate picked me up. me, roommmate and son are going out to dinner and then i'm going to bed. I'll call you tomorrow." If he would have communicated that he was going to have roommate pick him up, I would have had the opportunity to tell him what the in-laws wanted.

So, I called FIL to let him know that H was back and that roommate had gotten him and he was like "oh. well that's weird. Don't you think that's weird?" uh, yeah.

My feelings are VERY hurt right now. I feel like since the roommate is in MY house and picking up MY husband at the airport and with my H the first night he's been here in 2 weeks, that I should tell my H to go screw the roommate...I feel replaced. I'm jealous.

I need to get a grip. But I am beyond ticked off right now. It was the in-laws and myself caring for his son; both of us (inlaws and myself) wanted to know when exactly he was coming back and he told neither one of us. wtf?

!!!

[NikB]

((((Trixi)))

Wow, lots of drama with the SS... sorry to hear about all that! It sounds to me like you got way more involved than you needed to and that led to you building up some expectations of your H? Maybe?

I'm glad to hear of the slightly mended R with your in laws - even if they're not your in laws in future it still sucks having that negative "last note" hanging over you.

As for the airport thing - I'm sorry - I know that had to sting.

My feelings are VERY hurt right now. I feel like since the roommate is in MY house and picking up MY husband at the airport and with my H the first night he's been here in 2 weeks, that I should tell my H to go screw the roommate...I feel replaced. I'm jealous.

I TOTALLY understand this - in fact had a "moment" like this with H just last week. Obviously not to the same degree but I know the feeling.

I think you were probably venting more than anything but I wanted to mention it just in case - this comes across REALLY bad. Posessive, smothering, "entitled" - "MY MY MY H..." Yuck. IF that attitude comes across to him, I'm just afraid it may make things even worse. Not necessarily in your R because frankly that's pretty bad already (sorry, but I know you know this!). But in terms of your self esteem and your interactions with him. If he wants you HE should be fighting for YOU and doing what it takes to get YOU back - not the other way around.

I think this whole thing tells you a LOT in terms of how close/intimate of an R he wants with you.

If it were me.. I'd be too damn busy getting on with my own FABulous life to even bother answering his call tomorrow [or is it today, now?].

Lucky you - he's going to grace you with a phone call. Yippee. If you answer his call, I promise you, you're reinforcing the "I'm here no matter what and no matter how little I get from you, don't worry, I'll be waiting!"

I think you have a GREAT opportunity here, please don't waste it by answering the phone when he calls. [hopefully I'm not too late with this suggestion!] I'd wait at LEAST all day, if not a few days, to call him back.

[NikB]

PS - not to hijack but wanted to share the story of the recent "issue" with my H because I think it might help. The reason I know how poorly the "MY H!" will come across is I DID say something along those lines to my H. He had some testing to recertify some of his licenses that didn't even start til 7 PM, and had 5 tests. I felt bad for him knowing he'd probably be tired and home really late. So I stayed up, planned to give him a back rub when he got home.

Well, around 11 I finally called H thinking the testing place had to have closed by then. Come to find out that the tests went by quicker than he thought and he was over at his friend's house playing video games since 9. (same friend that he spends just about every freaking waking moment with when he's not at work or home with me... and since work's been so slow, he's literally at this guy's house probably 4-5 hours EVERY DAY.. guess I should be glad it's a GUY friend at least).

Anyway... I was PISSED not to mention hurt and very angrily said to H "Well, that sure sounds like more fun than coming home to your WIFE who stayed up LATE to greet you. You're MY H and I think you're with [friend's name] more than you are with me!" I didn't exactly hang up on him after that but just about.

Not one of my finer moments. When H got home I apologized and said I didn't mean to sound like the "naggy wife" but I was hurt - and he (thankfully actually talking to me) told me that IS how it felt and that he felt totally smothered and like I was being posessive. His gut reaction to me saying that was for him want to do stuff like that MORE often just to prove he can do what he wants, basically. Calm discussion... and I'm glad we talked it out.. but I wanted to share it because I'm sure your H would have a very similar reaction. He'll do things like NOT call you, NOT ask you to pick him up from the airport, etc. to prove the point (to himself and possibly to you) that he can do whatever the he!! he wants. Defiant teenager attitude? Yes, absolutely... but I bet your H would react a LOT like mine.

[Trixi]

Wow NikB. What you said about possessiveness, etc makes a lot of sense. And I TOTALLY get why you were pissed. Oh, and speaking of 'teenager' attitude-- I have been going back to your thread over and over to see if you have thought of something to make your relationship more meaningful and deep. Did you think of something? (I think my H and I are stuck in that rut of it's all play play play.)

Well, unfortunately I did NOT see your post earlier, so I did talk to him today. Actually, I have SS laptop that he left at the inlaws, so my H wanted to get that anyway.

This whole thing with my stepson is a mess. Stepson has no car or license. The nearest bus-stop is 9 miles from the house. My H has recently helped my daughter with rent $ and all 4 of us, still consider each other family. IOW, my daughter will call my H, my SS told my H when this all went down last year that I would always be his 'mama' and he would not be cutting me out of his life. Sooooo, I felt I needed to help with transporting SS around given that my mother-in-law can't drive at night unless she is very familiar with the roads.

I am glad that I went inside and talked with them so we could compare notes and figure out what sort of shuck and jive stories are being told. And I definitely think that ALL the adults that are going be dealing with SS should meet to discuss a plan of action and to make sure we are all communicating. SS is counting on the adults not talking and not verifying what he says.

I thought of an analogy that might help my H understand how I am feeling. He just helped my daughter with rent. If he found out I was taking her out clothes shopping (to encourage her to spend her money) he would be ticked that he was helping her out financially.

What I think would have been right/good/nice is for us to band together to help SS. I am feeling resentful; like I am supposed to do the scut work. I feel like I have responsiblity, but not the authority to affect any changes.
I am going to try to find an al-anon meeting because I feel like I'm enabling by not telling my in-laws and I am not clear what I 'should' do.

And, the ultimate irony: because of my H's rebellious frame of mind, having the in-laws warm up to me will probably make him NOT be warm towards me.

[Trixi]

Well, hopefully I got thru to him.
He came over and we ate dinner and over dinner we were discussing the sitch with SS. It got pretty heated. Actually very heated. He seemed to want to let SS off the hook. I have been watching SS get in trouble (kicked out of daycare, ski buses, boyscouts..) the list goes on and on. And now the problems have gotten huge.
H said he will take SS to counseling and "tell the counselor everything Son has done". I told him that he WILL get called out for what he is doing. He said he knew that; that he knows he has "issues" and that he would probably talk some about our sitch. Now that I am thinking about it; I just hope he happens to hook up with a counselor that is pro-marriage.

By the end he had softened up quite a bit and said that he was listening to me and was taking everything I said to heart.
Then I talked about how nice his parents were being to me. And he said "They probably feel guilty" and I said "they should" and he said "Yeah! they really should!" and it just got me crying all over again. He actually had a very sweet look on his face when I was telling him about the interactions...and also when I said that I would be talking to his mom in the future about how deeply I was hurt. It was a very supportive smile. Maybe proud?

Anyway, initially he was definitely being rebellious and acting 'put out', but I think he has a better perspective on his role in the situation and that he is being called to be the leader and lead by example. I was worried that I might 'offend' him by calling it like I saw it, and he was offended/defensive, at first.

[NikB]

Hey Trixi - sorry I didn't get back right away! Been a crazy week. I'm supposed to be cooking and cleaning right now but I took an hour to drink some tea and read a magazine, and now post real quick. Feels good to do something relaxing!

Anyway... as to your question I have been doing a LOT of thinking. Lots of time awake at night staring at the ceiling going "What now?" I think it's all been mulling around in my subconscious for awhile and OT's post caused it to finally come to the forefront. All I can say at the moment is I am sooooo confused about what I want. I see exactly where her fear of the MLC issue was coming from, too. If I think about it too hard, I can see it coming. I'm glad to have some sort of "early warning" so I can hopefully avert it though.

I had an hour or so the other night that H was home and hung out with me in the kitchen while I was cooking and I literally felt like we had nothing in common, nothing to talk about but small talk. It was very strange. I wonder if it's how the WAW feels very early on - just starts feeling empty? Ever since then H has been knocking himself out doing 180s and pointing them out to me... helping around the house more, making it a point to call me more, doing a lot of work around the house without me even asking... even without any sort of "bomb." Just odd all the way around, really. I definitely think something "big" needs to happen, just having a struggle figuring out what that looks like. I got so used to living day to day and week to week I forgot how to really look to the longer term future is kinda what it feels like.

Which is actually part of why I haven't posted much to my thread lately... I don't know what to post! Then again I seem to have found a lot to say while hijacking your thread... haha. Sorry for the long winded answer!

Back to you...

Wow, that stuff with SS does sound really rough. I didn't realize you were that close with him as a "Mom" figure - for some reason I was thinking he was already older and not living at home by the time you met your H. I think you're really right on in that you feel some responsibility but you can't do a whole lot with it. I think the al-anon meeting is a great idea. This falls under the "things you can't control" category, but there may be things that you can do to help even without having control.

And, the ultimate irony: because of my H's rebellious frame of mind, having the in-laws warm up to me will probably make him NOT be warm towards me.

Careful! Sometimes these expectations or assumptions become self-fulfilling because you change how you're acting based on what you think will happen.

Now that I am thinking about it; I just hope he happens to hook up with a counselor that is pro-marriage.

I see where you're coming from, definitely, but a good counselor for your SS is going to focus on HIM, not on your M. I really can't see a counselor saying "Get back together with your W and SS's problems will be solved" - especially since it sounds like he's had problems for a lonnnng time now - they aren't all that directly related to the R/M sitch. I definitely hope they find a good counselor, though.

I'm so glad to hear he softened up towards the end of the conversation. I hope he really DID take things to heart instead of just saying the words.

He's said all along he wants you to be stronger (I think it's one of the few things he's actually been CONSISTENT on?) - I bet what you said about talking to his Mom showed him a strength that he's been looking for.

((Trixi))

Hope things are going better with SS.

I'll probably check in before then but just in case I don't - Happy Thanksgiving!!