Drive took quite a while, with the calf feeder (big metal structure) being towed behind the pickup we could only go 50 mph...
We talked about anything and everything, overall it was a pretty relaxed, open conversation. I suppose because I finally dropped the rope and he knew he had nothing to lose at this point...
He asked to stay a bit longer until he can ask Tom to live there and buy a mattress....would like to stay until Thanksgiving has come/gone.
He did acknowledge that he was wrong to go out all night, he insists that he was truly at Tom's house, he is NOT with OW. I told him it really didn't matter at this point if he was with her, I would prefer to know just so I am not surprised when the kids start mentioning her, etc. He said no, I am not seeing her, I am not seeing anyone, I drank too much last night, I am mad at myself about it b/c I slept on Tom's floor which sucked, then I slept too late, had a headache, off on the wrong foot today getting farm work done, etc etc.
I told him regardless of the reason I couldn't have him living with me with that lifestyle. Told him Nathan (S6) woke up at 7 and came in our room to cuddle, said "Daddy is already up, I will go look for him"....and was going to search the house so I told him Daddy stayed at Tom's last night. Told Dan that was not an example to be setting for his son, if he were living elsewhere it would not be an issue but living here it was.....H understood, said he didn't want to be that kind of example for S...
At one point I said I wish I had one hour to crawl around inside your brain and see what you see, he said if you find the rusty nail lodged in my frontal lobe please pull it out, it has been driving me crazy...
I took more of the pity route than the anger route today. I told him I just really wanted more for him (early in the conversation). Awhile later he asked what I had meant by that, I wanted more for him. I told him he just never seemed happy, at ease, content, relaxed, etc. That I wished for him that he could be satisfied with his life and the choices he was making, but that only he could make that happen. He said he knew that, there was one day this week he was satisfied, when he had put in a good day at work, then did some chores on the farm, then spent time with his kids. That all of those things made him happy...
I can't sum up three hours here. It was sad, it was rough, but also somehow comfortable?? He actually thanked me for riding along with him when we got back...
I only cried at one point, when I said I felt I had set the kids up for disappointment the last few months since he moved back. B/C the kids would say "You and dad love each other", "Daddy's your boyfriend", etc. and I would affirm what they said. I told Dan I honestly believed that going to retro and spending time together, buying a mattress together, that we were going to be staying together. He said he thought as recently as 3 weeks ago that we were going to be staying together....he couldn't point to any one thing that changed his mind...
Anyway I said I just felt like I had made it worse by confirming the kids' suggestions that we were going to stay together/be together. H said "You weren't lying, you were being honest with them, you didn't do anything wrong". I asked him how we should respond now when they made those comments, he said that is one thing he hasn't figured out yet..........
There was so much more I can't explain...we talked about financial arrangements, living arrangements, being in agreement on parenting style, dating new people/NOT introducing the kids to new people until we were certain they were going to be sticking around for awhile, etc.
I mentioned I wanted to take the kids on a trip soon to give them some fun after all our drama, and he was welcome to take them somewhere, too. He said he wanted to take a trip together with me and the kids???
