Pay attention to her. Look her in the eye when she is talking even if she looks away, you keep looking at her. She will come back to you and if your not there she will stop talking. Act interested in what she is saying. Again PD said to not solve her problems but listen and ask relative questions to assist her in finding the solution herself. You can do it. I have faith in you because I did it and I was just as FU as you are right now and I am a lot better today then I have ever been in my life.
Tim
THANKS! Cannot articulate how much I appreciate the support you & PD have given me. I am so very grateful to have you two helping to guide me along, get me back on my feet when I fall & set me back on my path when I need it most. You feel so lost, so alone that despair starts to eat away at you. What you guys provide is the experience of been there, done that; can empathize with what I am dealing with, feeling & give hope that I can do this, that I will get through this.
I reread my thread a lot. Your last post really helps me to see how far you have come & shows me how far I have to go. Thanks again Tim,
Kevin
I am in the other world as well. Just how do you go about disclosing that info here?
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Pay attention to her. Look her in the eye when she is talking even if she looks away, you keep looking at her. She will come back to you and if your not there she will stop talking. Act interested in what she is saying. Again PD said to not solve her problems but listen and ask relative questions to assist her in finding the solution herself. You can do it. I have faith in you because I did it and I was just as FU as you are right now and I am a lot better today then I have ever been in my life.
Tim
THANKS! Cannot articulate how much I appreciate the support you & PD have given me. I am so very grateful to have you two helping to guide me along, get me back on my feet when I fall & set me back on my path when I need it most. You feel so lost, so alone that despair starts to eat away at you. What you guys provide is the experience of been there, done that; can empathize with what I am dealing with, feeling & give hope that I can do this, that I will get through this.
Your welcome. I am just passing on that which I have learned. You W still does alot of stuff for you that she does not have to. Cooking, cleaning, calling you on the phone. The one thing about people is they expect instant results and instant gratification when they don't get it they give up. There has been many times that I was about to give up, throw in the towel but I did not. You need to fight this urge and persist because its the right thing to do. In the end as long as you can say you did everything you possibly can do then you will be able to move on with your life no matter happens in your M and be confident you left no stone unturned.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
I reread my thread a lot. Your last post really helps me to see how far you have come & shows me how far I have to go. Thanks again Tim,
Kevin
Me too, expecially the days that life kicked me in the gut and I made it through. I like reading those better than the good days because it shows how far I have come.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
I am in the other world as well. Just how do you go about disclosing that info here?
I'm there too so look for me in the introduction postings.
Took my 5 minute break before getting home tonight, focused on breathing deep & relaxing. W sitting on couch holding S4, who was pushed out of his slide bed by D2 - she was in timeout. W cooked dinner & we all ate. Chit chat about S4 not having appetite, D2 vacuum cleaner like me, etc. W & I exchange a couple jokes - nice relaxed setting but still have such awkwardness as well. W says she cooked, I get to clean up dishes. I start putting away clean stuff & w starts to say her goodbyes to kids. Kids play with her & she didn't leave. I get done loading dishwasher with all dirty stuff & w then starts to head for door.
W talks about Twilight movie, how she is going to be dragging at 7am, regrets buying midnight tix but can't exchange them so have to go. I tell her to have a good time @ movie. W says she wants soundtrack for movie as she opens door to garage.
D2 walks out into garage & I tell w I will get her. Prop open door, w walks into garage, I follow. Tell w thanks for cooking dinner as I rub arm on her back - she was wearing top that exposed her back. I then put arm around her to hug her & walk with her out of garage for 2-3 steps - no resistance from w. S4 comes out as well. W blows kisses to kids - I smile at her & wave bye. Tell kids last one in house is rotten egg to distract them & get them in house.
W never mentioned daycare. Had email from her just stating license & insurance were expired. 1st email from her in over a month! Get torrent of Twilight Soundtrack, dl & burn a copy for her.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I'm there too so look for me in the introduction postings.
Good stuff Kevin all really good. Just try and keep the physical touch to a minimun for now. Your interactions with her will feel awkward for a while. Both of you are walking on eggshells and until you get comfortable with each other again it will be feel awkward.
Also if you keep the time you are both together as fun and light she will continue to questyion herself and her choices. But you must stay consistant as I said before. When you have a good PMA she can sence it and puts her at ease, when you don't have one it puts her on the defensive.
W showed up this AM to watch kids - tired from movie. Asked how it was - said movie was good but crowded. Got there at 11 & barely found seats, audience full of teens & kids as young at D9. Said every time they showed boys from movie on screen all the girls would ooo & ahh. I said that must have been a fun environment. (What I was really thinking was boy, bet you felt awkward & old!)
W calls to let me know that she doesn't have to work tonight. Going to take S4 & D2 to stay overnight with her. Told her that would be great so I could go out. Says that D9 called to bring her to a birthday party. I explain that D9 called 2 hrs ago & I was under impression her stepdad was bringing her to party & I would pick her up afterward. W irritated but will bring D9 - thank her for helping out.
W said that she may be able to work next Thursday at SIL neighbor's house - hired help for day. Says she could use the money; cousin & family are going to Disneyland Thursday, SIL is going to her in-laws & figures I want to do something with kids so she might as well work. (I didn't bring up fact that she offered to cook & spend day with us last week - she needs the money).
W says she will call house phone & leave message when she works tomorrow - either starts at 10 or 3. I let her know that I can watch kids for her if she needs me to. She thanked me. Told w I would call D9's mother to have her pick up D9 from birthday party. Bye
Called D9 mother. Ask her why her H can't bring D9 to party. Says that D9 doesn't have a gift & her H won't bring her because of that - embarrassed. Says that she thought birthday was tomorrow as did I. Ask her to pick up D9 from party since w is dropping her off & I am going out tonight. She says why don't I take D9 out with me. I just say I am headed to a bar else I would. Bye
Call w. Relay above exchange - she laughs - typical interaction with D9's mom. Ask her to have D9 call her mom to get picked up & that I will see her in AM at her soccer game. Thanks & bye.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Get home last night & house is a bit of a wreck - w washed her car, cooked breakfast for kids but left dishes in sink, dishwasher full of clean dishes, spa cover off, apple sitting on table rotting, razor in my shower caddy. So w is making herself at home while watching kids. As much as this bugged me I let it go! W had long night with no sleep so probably not much energy to deal with housework.
GAL - met friends for dinner & beer @ new restaurant - service very disorganized, healthy flirting with waitress; 1 couple - her birthday & another buddy who is dealing with WAW as well. We head out to club at casino - CHEAP DRINKS! Cover band rocked - had good time getting out, talking & cutting loose. Bit of a headache this AM!
W sends txt last night - "FYI - not sure what time I have to work tomorrow. Called VS they said they cant give me my schedule over the phone. I have to come in to store to get it. Lame, I am about ready to tell them I quit. I will call you in the morning about the kids."
My response - "ok. Thanks for letting me know. D9's soccer game @9 & I plan on going."
W response - "I will call you in the am - thanks for info"
Get home, message on home phone repeating same info above.
W calls this am - repeats same info above - I just let her talk & agree with her that makes no sense why they can't give out your schedule over the phone, how poorly run the place is, how she feels like an outsider since there are already the full time people there & she is just filler - validate all these statements with an Uh Huh or Right. W says only made $80 so far, can't even pay her insurance with that. Right. I ask her if she is going to look for another job. She said she is thinking of calling the daycare mom & offering to watch her kids at her house - just have to bring our kids there. I said that is a good idea. W says yeah but no one is going to want their house torn about by other kids every day. W then says she doesn't know what to do. [long pause] I say Too bad they can't seem to run their store better since they have people like you who want to work. W asks if i can pick up kids so she can drive to work & check her schedule @ 10 - has to shower & dress in case they need her - sure & cya.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
W calls to let me know she works 12-4 today - at SIL house. Says she is only on schedule for next Fri & Sat for 4hrs each. All regulars get all the hours. Kinda screwed. I don't know what to do. More uh huhs. Cya when you pick up kids.
W calls back 30 mins later. Asks if I am going to let her do the daycare business at house. Says mother of kids wants to know & has to decide before Monday if she is going back to work. W wants to do business only for a little while but not going to tell mother. Try to find a real job in the interim.
I ask her about the daycare insurance again. I tell her the biggest concern I have is protecting myself & kids from liability. Hope you can see my point in that. [silence]
W - I understand...I just..[silence]
I ask w - Are you going to look for a full time job? You were always good with computers, data entry, clerical work. W says that she would like to get a job doing something she is comfortable doing but people are not hiring & not paying what she would need in order to pay for daycare. Doesn't know how long it will take to find such a job.
W says that I can't afford to pay for daycare & keep the house so what is the benefit of her working full time? Asks if I can pay $600 or $1200 a month for daycare? I say realistically no but if I had to I'd find a way. If that meant losing the house then I lose the house.
I ask w if she can get daycare insurance if she isn't licensed? Says she doesn't know about that. Says she does not want to get licensed again, take the class, and do all that work just to watch a couple kids.
Says that I am making this hard and it doesn't have to be. No kids ever got hurt when she ran the daycare before. Guess this is my punishment for life - being repaid for the choices I am making. I'm very irritated.
I said that I have not said no to you doing daycare again in the house. W says that i haven't said no, but I haven't said yes either & I am finding one small thing to hold over her head in order to not help. Might as well just say no & be done with it.
I ask w if we were already divorced, would you think this request was reasonable? W says that depends on what kind of person you are. I say that obviously not a very good one since you are divorcing me.
Then w anger starts to pour out - says that everyone tells her to just go to court & prove that she didn't make any money over past 6 years & I have so she should get spousal support; but that she won't do that since it would mean I lose the house for the kids; I haven't asked you for any money; I want the divorce & these are the consequences of that choice, this is your payback to me, you are holding this over my head. I just let her rant & finish.
Tell w that you are right, you are divorcing me. I am not indifferent or unsympathetic to your plight but you made this decision & I respect that.
W then says fine, I will just go to court Monday & file the paperwork to get money from you. Go ahead. [I don't bother pointing out to w that she already waived alimony in our mediated agreement in Aug] I tell her that I may not be able to afford the house in 2 months anyways so not going to let fear of losing house factor into this decision.
W then says she is getting too angry to talk. I will talk to you when I come to pick up the kids. I say that I would like her to not bottle up what she wants to say & let me hear it all when she comes to get the kids. W says she is done talking about this since I will never say yes.
Again I point out to w that I have not said no. She screams well what is it going to take for you to say yes. I just want there to be some insurance to protect me & the kids. W says is that all? No other last minute stipulations? I say that is all I have been asking you find out about. W says that she probably now can't get an answer to that until Monday.
W then says she is not a runaway wife. I ask her if she means a walk away wife. Yeah, whatever, from that article you gave me before [I had printed out Michelle's article on WAW & gave it to her 6 weeks ago].
W then says we will talk when she comes to pick up kids.
Glad to 1) be able to talk over phone - helps me stay calm & not react to her 2) be able to take notes 3) access my thread for tips 4) hold my ground about the insurance issue - nonnegotiable boundary
I am 100% certain that things are going to get WORSE dealing with her as the end of the month approaches & w's bills start to come due. Hell of a day so far :-) Time to start painting!
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Kakatal, hang in there. She dosen't sound like she has the ability to take care of herself. You are on the right track...she needs to understand the consequenses of her actions.
Get home last night & house is a bit of a wreck - w washed her car, cooked breakfast for kids but left dishes in sink, dishwasher full of clean dishes, spa cover off, apple sitting on table rotting, razor in my shower caddy. So w is making herself at home while watching kids. As much as this bugged me I let it go! W had long night with no sleep so probably not much energy to deal with housework.
Very good here. You should not expect her to clean the house. I know it would be nice if she cleaned the mess she made but its not necessary. Pick your battles and this is just not worth arguing about.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
GAL - met friends for dinner & beer @ new restaurant - service very disorganized, healthy flirting with waitress; 1 couple - her birthday & another buddy who is dealing with WAW as well. We head out to club at casino - CHEAP DRINKS! Cover band rocked - had good time getting out, talking & cutting loose. Bit of a headache this AM!
Sounds like a nice time. Good GAL for you.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
W sends txt last night - "FYI - not sure what time I have to work tomorrow. Called VS they said they cant give me my schedule over the phone. I have to come in to store to get it. Lame, I am about ready to tell them I quit. I will call you in the morning about the kids."
My response - "ok. Thanks for letting me know. D9's soccer game @9 & I plan on going."
W response - "I will call you in the am - thanks for info"
Get home, message on home phone repeating same info above.
W calls this am - repeats same info above - I just let her talk & agree with her that makes no sense why they can't give out your schedule over the phone, how poorly run the place is, how she feels like an outsider since there are already the full time people there & she is just filler - validate all these statements with an Uh Huh or Right. W says only made $80 so far, can't even pay her insurance with that. Right. I ask her if she is going to look for another job. She said she is thinking of calling the daycare mom & offering to watch her kids at her house - just have to bring our kids there. I said that is a good idea. W says yeah but no one is going to want their house torn about by other kids every day. W then says she doesn't know what to do. [long pause] I say Too bad they can't seem to run their store better since they have people like you who want to work. W asks if i can pick up kids so she can drive to work & check her schedule @ 10 - has to shower & dress in case they need her - sure & cya.
She is trying to guilt you into doing something you do not want to. Insurance is important. Here is a question does your current home owners policy cover an accident in your house? You may already be covered. Something you may suggest checking into for her. May show her that you want to support her in this.
