Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Sep and Daisy,

Thanks for checking in on me!

You are both right that I need to stop over analyzing. Really I do know this logically...I am feeling a lot better than I have been, but I do backslide emotionally from time to time for sure.

Daisy-I know everyone on the boards wants me to go away for a few days, but there are a lot of reasons why it isn't really the best option for me at the moment. It was fun for me, and GAL when my friend was around, but she has left for honeymoon, and it would be just me in her apartment. It's also a 45 minute walk after work, and it's not convenient or nice given the winter weather. It doesn't sound fun or happy to spend time there, so I would be doing it more to prove to H that I can. That said if something comes up like a weekend trip or something, I would take it for sure. It's just that for it to truly be GAL and PMA, I think I need to be doing it for the right reasons.

That said I promise that I am GAL on weekends! I make plans that don't involve H, and this includes spending time with friends. I do need to work on the PMA though. It comes and goes.

Thanks for the suggestion to list out the positives! OK I'll list them out now then will go back to look at a past thread like you suggested, very good idea :).

Positives:

*Staying in the house for nearly 2 weeks
*No R talks for almost 3 weeks
*Semi-frequent ML
*Small compliments from H
*H opening up about things more like work and feeling stressed
*Frequent joking around and laughing together
*Doing more couple like things together like errands and shopping
*No arguments since "living together"

Thanks again both of you!

ITH

[istherehope]

So the weekend has arrived!

Daisy and Sep, don't be mad at me but I got the computer to work. It was actually for me too as we use it to burn DVDs, and I hated the thought of being without for potentially weeks. I have always been the one who is better with electronics and things, so it was sort of normal that I would be able to do this. H seemed pretty pleased last night when he got home, and called me over to show me lots of things that his new laser mouse could do. He was like a little kid with a new toy.

We went to bed and there was a little joking around, just light banter again, no real conversations, no ML. I don't think we have any plans tonight. Well we don't seem to make plans these days anyway beyond errands, but that's OK. I suspect H may be going out to drinks with colleagues, and I am more than fine with that, especially since in the past I would have been annoyed.

Oh, and I swear I wasn't intentionally planning to snoop, but I saw this small notebook by the computer when I was playing around with it. It was under a credit card that H hadn't yet activated. I just opened it as it actually looked like one of my own notebooks at first glance, and H had written out a bunch of details about cognitive disorders. Maybe he got the info from his therapist, not sure. Anyway it was very interesting as I think there were around 10 examples. One of them was in essence the self-fulfilling prophecy, believing something will not turn out so acting to ensure this happens. One was magnification, turning a small incident into so much more that it taints everything. The example was a drop of ink in a cup of water. I was blown away. To be honest these were all sort of things that I had been thinking about how my H was blaming me and the marriage for everything, in an excessive way. I know there were real issues, but I was shocked at how much he had made those issues the only issues in his life.

I think perhaps he is making progress with his IC, and maybe this is part of the reason that things have improved. I don't feel comfortable with asking at this point, but I do know that he is still going on a weekly basis. He just seems, not sure how to put this, but like he is reluctantly realizing that I am not the cause of his unhappiness...I'm assuming there, but in any case was pleased to see that he has been thinking about things.

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH!

I'm so glad things remain stable with you guys... and dont apologise for snooping! Dear god woman you are only human and if I saw a notebook lying around, I would have looked, of course, why not? If there is something incriminating in it, then on a subconcious level, that person wants you to see it, else they would protect it with their life. In fact, seems you found out somehting positive.. that he is really doing some thinking.

I do want to say with a word of cuation though, I am still picking up in him not wanting to let you get too comfortable/excited and always having to throw that little caveat out, that things are still not OK. So, no, its not time to relax yet, but then you know that, as you have said. His, your cute.. sometimes.. is a good example, its like what he gives with one hand, he still feels the need to take away something. Bit like, its ok to plan little steps ahead, like running errands on the weekend, but he is not planning anything more outlandish just yet.

But.. DBing is ALL abut the positives right? Doesnt Jody say, focus on the positives and ignore the negatives, or something, so I like your list!

So, if he is going out for drinks, as you say, you should too! And get home later than him! With a bigger smile on your face!?

Al xxx

[istherehope]

Thanks Ali,

Yes definitely not time to relax yet...I will continue to focus on the positives, while realizing that we have a long ways to go. I am still very cautious about everything I say, and I don't see this changing in the immediate future. Still, I am relaxing in 1 way, and that's in terms of not expecting an explosion every day. He may semi-take back what he gives in terms of compliments, but at least he is not spewing negativity anymore.

I am pretty pleased to see that he has been doing what seems to be some real thinking about his own issues. No matter what this is a positive sign. I also think it's positive that he is continuing to see a therapist, completely of his own accord.

Yeah I'll play tonight by ear I guess. I have pretty bad cramps so would like to just go home, but I am going to see what he has to say about his own evening. He actually hasn't said a thing, it's just a feeling I have. Of course he has a new video game so may very much want to get home and play it now that the computer is working :).

Actually H reached out via IM to say thank you for fixing the computer. I appreciated this as he actually didn't acknowledge my efforts yesterday, but of course I wasn't expecting him to. So, he's slow, but at this point in time every small gesture and word of kindness is very much appreciated.

Hope you're having a good day and thanks for checking in on me!

ITH

[Separated]

Hey ITH!!

No 2x4s for the computer here!! LoL, I actually think it benefits you too as the funds to either fix or replace it would have come from your account also, right? That is pretty interesting about what you have found. That means he is begining to acknowledge what is going on in his head is not all your fault and that could also mean that he is definatly letting go of the negativity that he had towards you.

I think you should go for a drink tonight if you want but whether you do or not just not nagging him about him going out will be a big 180 (It would be the same for me too, so I completly understand!! )!!

I'm glad that even with cramps you are enjoying your Friday!!

[istherehope]

Hi,

Thanks for that Sep. Actually the PC died again today, and I texted H to let him know as I ended up coming home before him. He called me immediately, clearly a bit distraught. I ended up getting the computer to work again before he got home, and now we've agreed to buy a new one next week.

This is out of shared funds, but the way I look at it, every time we use our money to do something like this, this reinforces living together. We looked at computers online together for awhile, and this was actually kind of nice. Also, H asked about a gym in the area, which leads me to believe that he is not interested in moving out anymore, and wants to stay here. This is another good sign. This is what I wanted, the living together again, so I am going to need to be patient with everything else that goes along with it...

I didn't go to drinks tonight, and neither did H. Well, I went to have a drink at work as we do drinks every Friday evening, but I was home on time. I have scheduled lunch with a friend tomorrow so H will be here on his own likely playing video games...So yes I am GAL!

Oh on the stuff I found in the notebook, I found a book of H's on curing depression without medication, and saw that he had copied things verbatim from this book, not necessarily a bad thing, but a little odd...

Alright it's 12 AM here, and I think I'll head to bed. H is of course playing video games. That's fine even though I wish we could start hanging out and doing couple things again, I am still happy with what we do have...

ITH

[istherehope]

Today's journal...

Got up this morning and made coffee and breakfast for me and for H. I was singing while cooking, and this seemed to amuse him. He called me down to look at some video on his computer too, which was cute.

Tiny baby steps every day. Each one is a small joy in its own way...this one will sound weird, but here goes. When H got out of the shower, he said "I'm gonna get me some." This was the joking around thing he used to say for ML. This is the first time he has made any reference to sex outside of either being drunk or waking up in the middle of the night.It makes me feel more like we are a real couple again.

So after finishing breakfast I got my purse and coat and informed H I had plans with a friend in town so had to run. He kept stalling me thinking of things he wanted me to pick up. Then he asked ,"why are you meeting your friend?" I let him know it was for lunch and that I love going to lunch. He lingered by the door as I was leaving too :).

So now I'm on the train. I still have cramps and would love to be at home on the couch watching DVDs, but I do think it seems to work when I make plans for myself outside of the house. He always seems a bit surprised, probably because we used to fight a lot about activities, and I always was dragging him to do things he apparently didn't want to do. So now we really don't do anything together but watch DVDs, but I have told him in the past that I want to take his lead on joint activities now, so I hope that at some point soon he'll suggest something. I also sent him an email with the breakdown of costs for Xmas vacations (he'd asked for this). I've gotten no response, but I had told him that it was entirely up to him, and I researched only places he's been wanting to go...

So still in unspoken limbo, but I guess this is pretty typical in these kind of sitches. I think H is sort of watching everything closely, probably still unsure about whether the R can work. Seriously 2 weeks together now, with not 1 fight, no bickering, nothing. When H gets negative about something, I just validate. This is like night and day from our old R.

OK that's it for now. Hopefully today will be another calm and pleasant day...

ITH

[istherehope]

No real updates, but just journaling as it helps me to get everything out. I had a really nice lunch with my friend. That's one good thing that has come out of this situation, i.e. that I have realized how many friends I actually have here. This was an issue for me before as I'd felt pretty isolated in Ireland...It's amazing how much a situation like this can really make you see how much people really care, or at least that has been my experience.

After lunch I ran some errands, including buying groceries. I love cooking as I've mentioned, so I always love going to the gourmet shops and buying things. H texted twice while I was out, just about things to pick up, but I have noticed that every time I go to town and make my own plans, he finds a reason to contact me.

I came home, and we watched a DVD together. Then, we started looking at new PCs together online. We're also going to go look at some in the stores tomorrow. I really like the fact that we seem to be shopping for the computer together, and he keeps saying "we" in terms of the computer. It's just these little things that keep me going. While we were looking at PCs on his laptop, his cousin called on Skype. He went downstairs and took the call, but I could hear his side of course. It was in Spanish, but H knows I understand. He said one thing which I think (maybe hope) was about the R. He said, loose translation here, "yeah good", then quiet for a minute, "in reality very good", and then said "yeah for that reason." I think the “for that reason” was in reference to him needing to run downstairs and put the headphones on vs. taking the call on speaker.

Then he came back upstairs and we looked at PCs a bit more. Now he's playing video games...what I find odd is how much he felt that I kept him from doing things like going out with friends, yet since I've been home, he has yet to make any plans on the weekends unless they are with me. I would not complain or mind if he did make plans, but I feel pretty happy that he is choosing to stick home with me.

So, things are still going well, in that strange unspoken way. Every day seems to be getting more and more normal, but I still have my guard up. I will continue to have my guard up until H does or says something so unmistakable that I feel I can relax. I am not expecting quick change at this point, but instead am making notes of the baby steps. Still, at some point there is going to need to be a conversation. I guess I hope to build a few more weeks of positives before we have this conversation though :).

OK I am going to cook dinner now. Again just to clarify here. I cook dinner because I enjoy it; it’s an added benefit that H enjoys it too.

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH! DOnt apologise for cooking dinner, bless you! You would do that for a friend, never lone a H! What did you cook?

I thought it was interesting that he seemed a little disapointed that you went out at lunch and sort of followed you to the door? Also, like you said, that he texts you whilst you were out. All positive. And that he is not afraid to make purchases with you and refers to "we". Perhaps you going out is a really good thing, as it gives him space to miss you?

I agree that at some point there would need to be a convo, but I think Jody said, let them initiate it, else they are not comfortable/ready to talk. Actually, that reminds me, despite what I said all over my thread for weeks.. it was my ex that strated our intense convo on Tuesday! Ha, yeah it was, I didnt have to ask a thing, he was desperate to talk to me.

So when your H is ready, I guess he will talk. So he didnt mention the car sitting again then?

Al x

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your post. Last night I cooked pasta in alfredo sauce. It was pretty simple. I had made banana wheat pancakes in the morning though, and these took quite some time since I made them from scratch. Tonight I may make something more elaborate. Cooking was something I missed SO much when I was in Poland. It's sort of unspoken around here, always has been, that I make dinner. H will say things like "so what should we have for dinner tonight." I think in the 7 years we've been together, he's cooked once, though he's helped with things from time to time. This isn't a complaint though by any means. I have never asked him to do the cooking as I like my own cooking too much :).

I agree that making my own plans over the weekend seems to be a good thing, for a few different reasons. It gives me something to focus on besides H and work, it gives H space whether he actually wants it or not, and it validates to me that he is thinking about me since he constantly reaches out.

Yeah the joint purchases thing is weird. I'd mentioned that last Thursday he'd made a passing comment about how "with our situation" it isn't a good time to be making purchases. Still, that hasn't been said again, and we've literally spent hours looking at and discussing new computers since then. I think on Thursday H was just very irritable since he thought the computer had completely died, that he'd lost all of his files etc. Last night again H mentioned joining a gym, a gym that would be on his way home so that it could be part of his commute. This is such a good sign to me as he said that he didn't want to use his school gym since it was so far. When he was planning to move out he wanted to live by school...

This morning we looked at paintings online together since we have both been doing these sort of abstract acrylic paintings around the house. We talked about buying a big canvas and working on it together...then he asked me to send some of the paintings that he's been doing to his mother since he sent in our car tax form last week...again every conversation that involves his family is a very positive thing.

You're right that I should let H initiate the conversation. I have no problem with this as I'm pretty gunshy by this point anyway, and would actually prefer not to have a conversation at all. As long as this limbo is steadily improving, I can definitely handle the way that things are. I'm looking at New Years as sort of a potential turning point. I want something to shift for the better by then. All I'm looking for at this point is a bit more security. I want us to start making future plans together again since he finishes school in June and neither of us want to stay in Ireland. Until we have a discussion though, I feel as though my hands are tied to start looking for a potential transfer etc. To me the lack of conversation itself isn't as weird as the fact that we seemed to have de facto moved back in together. At this point still no discussion about me housesitting, and I am praying that it stays this way. I'll relax on that front if we go another couple of weeks without it being mentioned. By then my friend will be back from honeymoon, and H will hopefully realize that that option is no longer on the table. For my part, the best way to continue then is to be extra-aware of everything that I say and do. We used to fight like crazy, and a lot of that was due to me. Now when he is negative about anything, I validate like crazy and/or ignore as appropriate for the situation. I am not openly negative about anything, and am just doing my best to always remain on an even keel. I know that H did not expect things could be so peaceful between us, and my guess is that he doesn't trust the situation or me yet. It takes a long time to trust that the dynamic that was in place for so many years has changed I guess. Of course all of this means that there are things I cannot do that I would like to do. I don't ask H to do things with me at all. He felt that I controlled everything that we did, so now I don't make suggestions unless it is to remind him of a suggestion that he has already made.

So that was a long, rambling post...thanks for reading it if you got all the way through. I am going to get dressed and go jogging now. My goal is to keep up some kind of exercise routisne and make sure I don't let it all go to waste just because I have H back in my life...

ITH