Hi . . . I'm confused. Going dark is difficult for me. After I see him, 'A', I want to jump into the 'r' again, and then it's tough to go back to 'dark'.
Trusting him, especially at this holiday season, is pretty difficult. I want so much to 'act confidently', 'act with a deliberate attitude', 'act with mystery and fun'. This is scarey. I want some kind of bonding other than crumbs of visits at work!!!
Current Progress:
1.) Since he didn't make plans with me, my honest intentions were to avoid seeing him when he came to my work on Thursday pm. a.) I had so much work to finish that by the time I had my coat on and walking toward the door, there he was at Customer Service waving me down. b.) I couldn't avoid him or pretend not to see him. That is not my nature. (That would be a 180, but I thought a mean 180.)
2.) I felt awkward and nervous. I was in a very good mood, felt that I looked pretty good, and I acted my social-self. I took a survey the next day. Work friends said that I did well. 'A' came over to kiss me 'hello' and 'good-bye'.
3.) We talked, laughed. I got up the nerve to tell him that I was waiting for him to invite me to see his condo since his latest renovations. He told me that I would see it soon. (hmmmmm...waiting game...hate it!)
4.) I flirted and joked with him and with others. (my nature)
5.) We spent about 20 minutes together. He said he liked my hair. He gave me a little 'sorry for himself' story. He looked worn out, but very handsome.
6.) I politely excused myself because I said I had to get to my dinner plans. I'm proud of myself for that. We kissed good-bye. I patted his bum. I blew kisses to him; he blew kisses back to me (the most intimacy I've had with him in 2 years!!!)
7.) I noticed he was watching me a few times that night.
8.) He mentioned several times that he was probably going to suffer this holiday. Then, he assured me that he would be ok. I didn't respond either time. I listened. Inside, I wanted to slap him silly and tell him that he's a fool.
Goals:
1.) I want togetherness this holiday season. I WANT MORE CLOSENESS...AHHHHHH! a.) Today, I txt him that work is offering 20% off to us/family members on all stock. I offered that it is his chance to get small appliances for his place. I realize it is more of work stuff, but I guess that is my safe place right now. (?) b.) The alone bonding experience is important to me. Hoping it would lead to laughing, talking, planning, feeling good ... and dinner together.
Thots for today:
1.) I am happy that I am enjoying the intensity and the learning curve at work. 2.) I am enjoying my friend/associate Jess. 3.) Friends at work discussed how much one reason we love work so much is because of the people. Good support group. 4.) I am thankful that the Operational Manager is becoming more approachable. I am starting to like her and respect her a lot. I might tell her. (yikes) 5.) I had fun with my friend while he helped me rake my backyard. Yard looks so neat. 6.) I am encouraged that I feel a little more relaxed and that I am able to do more of the things I enjoy. 7.) I am feeling good that I have obtained a goal made two years ago. That being, I want my world to be bigger than my 'H'. It is! It is fuller and all mine!!! 8.) Still miss 'A'. That feeling is sometimes paralyzing.
Probably will make an appointment soon to talk. I'm trying to think positively and trust.
