Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Does it ever dawn on them, like a sledge hammer hitting their head, that they are divorcing the best friend they ever had?

And to think that best friend would be a friend to someone so selfish,,,,well....itjust isn't going to happen.

[job]

Sophie,
It won't be for a very long time before they realize what they've done, the destruction that they have left behind them and the family, friends and respect that they have lost just because they are searching for something that's not out there.

All you can do at this time is detach a little bit more each and every week and protect your assets. Please try to keep the focus on you and your children.

[Sophie]

thanks Snodderly...Just the 'reinforcement' I need right now.

But...

Are you saying it's going to be a VERY long time to realize what they have done...from what point??? When this all started??? This divorce decision comes after 3-4 years of crap.

He's been making destructive decisions for 4 years!!! This last one is the most unintellectual decision, ever!!


Anyway....

I made it through the soccer game!! WHEW....I looked good....OH..I ran 3 miles today in 38 degree weather.

Anyway, H shows up and acts like nothing has changed from before D papers.... And I realize, just because the sheriff brought me a letter (and we all know it wasn't a love letter)....nothing has changed.... yet.

I feel a bit 'off the hook' to be his super friend...I suppose I could have been friendlier,but I just see H as...weird.

I was relaxed and was content enough to just be another soccer parent.

I can tell H is relieved that I haven't said anything to the kids. I am glad I haven't. I think it will be good for him to observe how happy, healthy and full of life they are...and have been for most of the seperation.

I realize, if I tell the kids about H's D-decision...I am helping him.

Let him be the one to tell them. Right?

Since H has been in his own place...2 1/2 years....all holidays have been handled by ME...(except the first Easter, which was H's first weekend in his bachelor pad)...since then, I continued all family traditions and H partakes or doesn't. Last Thanksgiving he was too depressed.

Especially now...inviting him to Thanksgiving would be pursuing right?

I shouldn't invite him, right?

[job]

Sophie,
Your h isn't actually focusing on his issues because he's still interacting w/you, i.e., kids, etc. That's fine, but you have to remember, the divorce is what is driving his train right now and until he steps over the finish line of divorcing you, he's going to be focusing more on it and not on working on himself. It takes about 6 months after a divorce before they really begin to realize that you and the relationship were not the problem. Some will never admit that they are the ones that screwed up...they will be the ones that walk away and never look back.

As for Thanksgiving, put the invite out there and let him decide whether he wants to be a part of the family tradition. Put the ball back into his court for the day.

Try to find something else to focus on...for example, the holiday, the kids are out early this week. Plan some activities for them and for yourself. The more you focus on him and what he's done, the more frustrated you will become.

[Sophie]

True...true...

I was hoping........he'd realize all this when he gets the reply to his vague D papers.

One thing that confuses me, and actually makes me a little angry is to continue as if we will be some Disney Channel family. I might be more comfortable if he were cold to me. (I guess that's why I'm supposed to be detached-friendly with him, huh?)

I just don't have any respect left for him after the D papers.

He's dismissed me...I just don't want to acknowledge his existence any more than I have to.

By the way....he is, and has not, done anything to get together with the kids...At ALL. It's the same as has been since he left. If there is a soccer game, or if things just present themselves to him, he spends time with the kids.

He makes little to zero effort to be with his kids.

s10 asked to go walk around the sporting good store after his soccer game, H said he had to get back to work.


If he asks about Thanksgiving I'll tell him what the kids and I have planned. He is welcome as always. I have never said he couldn't come to anything.

I'm uncomfortable being around him...but, I can do it if it is an important part of DBing.

[Sophie]

snodderly...I forgot to mention:

Your h isn't actually focusing on his issues because he's still interacting w/you, i.e., kids, etc. That's fine, but you have to remember, the divorce is what is driving his train right now and until he steps over the finish line of divorcing you, he's going to be focusing more on it and not on working on himself.

I have an inkling...the finish line, filing D with the timing as it is, it in some part motivated by his realization of blowing it.

You know...he had quit his job, started another. Now, he says he should have stayed with the old job. He said, you think the grass will be greener, but it isn't really...you get to know the people and it's not better, just different.

I stood there just staring....DUH!!

[Sophie]

Why does H just wait for an invitation? Why doesn't H intiate any plans to be around his kids?

He's asking for complete responsibility and care (full custody), remember??

It is difficult for me to invite H to do anything...it isn't worth the rejection when he declines.

But....I'm pretty sure s10 will call him to watch football...so I'm off the hook today.

[job]

Sophie,
You have to start changing the way you think. He's not rational in the same way that he use to be. He is now the mirror image of the man you knew pre-crisis. When they are in crisis, they are the total opposite.

Waiting for an invitation is one of those things that is not normal for most people. He feels like he's not part of the family any longer, therefore, as a friend/guest, he feels he needs to be invited.

I strongly suggest that you read the mlc resources thread and a lot of the postings in the MLC archives. Your h is very normal for a crisis individual at this time.

You are hurting from the rejection because you have expectations. If you drop your expectations to zero, you won't be expecting him to accept. It is important not to build your expectations/hopes up high because you get hurt every time. If he accepts, okay, if he doesn't, that's okay too. If your best friend declined an invitation, would you feelings be hurt? Look at him as a friend and not your spouse. Better yet, as a paper boy and nothing more.

[Sophie]

I strongly suggest that you read the mlc resources thread and a lot of the postings in the MLC archives. Your h is very normal for a crisis individual at this time.

I understand and I read, read and read some more.

I have hit a slump because of the new developments.

I just needed some personal attention here for a change...attention for me at this time.

Just as I see others getting...I understand it may be a burden and a pain in everyone's rear to repeat to me, over and over and over....

Thanks for redirecting me...

H came, took s10 to his place to watch some football. H nevers invites me....why should I invite him?

Oh...I'll go search for the answer.

[job]

Sophie,
No one minds repeating the words "detach and focus". It's not about that at all, but what you learn as you move along the path. Sometimes, it's better when we can learn things for ourselves instead of others telling us, i.e., just like children must learn from their mistakes.

The reason that I pointed you to those places is because a lot of the questions you've been raising are very similiar to the questions that others have posted over the years. Hopefully, you will not only find some answers, but also come to realize that you are not alone and that your h is doing exactly what the others have done before him. It's a "script" that they all use during the self awareness journey.

Why should you invite him? Well...it's called taking the high road. Do not lower yourself to his level. He is being very selfish and self-centered right now. If you do the same thing, you'll never get anywhere. Take the high road...show him that you are the adult here.