Yesterday was an eye opener to how my h really feels about me... Its really sad and depressing.
~ this is long~ just my journaling~
I expressed to him that I felt that he wasn't meeting my needs emotionally and that his number one thing is work while his family waits in the wings.
He thinks im going through "something" and that im being crazy. Ok, Me???? WTF... Yea I am crazy for putting up with his crap for the last 2 year s (and no I didn't say that) He started getting mad at me and I told him bluntly that he is pushing me away and that one day I just won't be here anymore.... ok im ready for the 2x4's sara...
I know it probably wasn't the right thing to say, but im desperate to get him to understand where im at. I have this party for S2 tomorrow and have tons of stuff still to do, SO he decides to go hunting, which normally I wouldn't care, but this was not the day to do it. Leaving me alone again. I actually did hire someone today for 4 hours to help clean,I didn't have a choice, but it would have been nice for it to be a group effort and for him to be involved.
I told him even when he's here, he's not here. That I am not important to him, unless im fullfilling some need of his. He taking me for granite, and I know this, its how am I going to deal with this.
He's just not involved. I didn't imagine myself with someone who wasn't there emotionally or spirtually with me. Im mad at myself for putting up with this, because I have to face the fact that its always been like this, it just took him to actually have the porn incident happen for me to wake up and stop being in denial that this is not the person I intended to be with forever. I get that marriage isn't perfect, Im been married 17 years and understand it takes work and lots of it, but when can I stop and say, ok things are good, and not have to worry about something he does around the corner, which almost always happend with him.
Do I sacrifice my children's happiness because Im unhappy? Most of the time he isn't here, so the household is playful and good crazy, when he's here, he's good with them most of the time (plays a little too much, so when its time to discipline them they don't take him seriously, which is a problem) they only listen to me when I discipline them.
I have grown this summer is such a different way than expected. I am 10x's more independant than I have been. I always was independant, but this is different. As I have told him I feel like a single parent, then when he comes home, its all about what I didn't do right, and let me talk about work and myself. He needs to be in the spotlight and needs attention so much in this arena, Its wearing me out. I have two other children that didn't ask to be brought into this world and because they are small they just want their mommy and I need to fill their needs. I know he feels left out at times, and I feel bad for that, but my needs aren't getting filled either. The love from your child is different than the love from your spouse.
I am at a cross roads, I love him, but I think day by day I am falling out of love for him, and I can't control it, its just happening. There isn't the compassion or sincerity in him for me, and it probably wasn't there to begin with, I don't know why Im just realizing this now, maybe because Im older, I don't know, Do I want to be alone with him when Im 70, and leave my health and happiness in his hands? The man couldn't even take care of me when I had my miscarriage, or when I was in the hospital. He's been calous to all of these things, how can I love this person.
Im calling on saffie, sara, nc, or doc to please help me understand any of this, Or am I just losing my mind altogether, because according to him I am.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
