I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

techguy,

Thank you for your reminder. I am going through this in my mind a thousand times and will read your post again and again before Monday. I feel like I know exactly what to say and what to do, but when she throws all these accusations at me, it is so hard to do. I am also afraid of overdoing it. When she told me about the "e-mail friendship" yesterday, I tried to stay calm and told her how disappointed and sad I was. Instead of a tiny piece of empathy, she just jumped at me and yelled "You are smiling, because now you can blame me for everything again." I swear I was not smiling, all I was thinking how can I stop myself from yelling at her something like "Don't you see that you are surrounding yourself with people that keep telling you that I am bad man. How can you believe that a guy who probably failed at marriage himself is going to do any better with you? Just because he finds a few words now?" I wanted to ask her "Did he run away just like you? Well, good luck then!" Fortunately, the words got stuck in my mouth. And I probably killed this guy a hundred times last night...

On the positive side, I have spent many hours with my kids last night and this morning already. I dance with my daughter, I play Crazy Bones with my son, it feels so good, but it also makes me sad and angry at the same time, because I blame her for wanting to destroy all this. I know I have to stop blaming her, but I am not quite there yet. At least, so far I have kept my emotions under control while she is present. And that is a small accomplishment that I can live on.

I had another weird thought when I went through some of the threads here last night. I thought everybody here is going through more or less the same dealing with their WAS. Why don't we just all pair up and screw our WAS? I guess the answer is that we are different. We are not WAS, we are LBS and probably would have never thought of simply walking away in the first place.

Thanks to everybody for your support.

AN