I am just about as crumbled up as it gets and yet I can't bring myself to just kick his ass out. What is wrong with me? I am so pissed to think my options are:
*Having my kids (esp Nathan (6)) remember that Daddy left right at Christmas
*Trying to act as if in front of the kids through another holiday season, like last year.
Hi BobbiJo I've been following your thread, and hoping that things would turn a corner for you soon. Sorry that your H is so lost that he cant see what's happening and how much he is hurting you.
When I read your quote above, it really got me thinking. You know there are always more than 2 options in a situation. Sometimes its hard to see the third option, but I think if you look you will be able to find a way to protect yourself, and also be a good mom to your kids over Christmas.
Is there something fun that you could do - a 180 - to make Christmas memorable for your kids in a different way where the presence or absence of your H is not so noticeable?
I just want to say I too am following and I am sorry tht you are going through this.
Also.. Kerry, generally, you are right "Us guys can be a bit primal and have no problem having sex without love."... but my ex had depressoin and NO ow until this August, but he wouldnt stay the night with me or do anything all year.. becuase, I think he didnt want to lead me on, or give me false hope whilst he was still deciding what to do. Since seeing ow, he couldnt even see me at all!
Having said that, I dont think Dan is that type of guy and it is pretty clear the ow is back? Also, about the chiropracter, its incidental...they are in touch no doubt so this is a red herring.
I'm intrigued by the convo you had the other day. He said he wanted just ONE person to listen to him...and you said, I guess ow does then.. but I didnt read it that way, I read it that NOONE listens to him.. do you think you werent really listening to him there? I read it that OW frustrates him too. Its not your fault though, this is ALL about him isnt it.
Can you lovingly let him go? Say its ok, you get your own place and figure out what you want/need, me and the kids will always be here for you? Or.. have you been through too much?
Also.. why do you keep saying "I do all the bills of course"? It strikes me that your M has got into habits and patterns, like you being the do-er and fixer. Why not hand back responsibility to him? DONT open mail with his name on? Dont pay things that are his to pay? Dont try and fix him?
Is there a way you can set up a spare room for him at home? Or get a pull out camp bed or something? Give him a clear messaeg, its ok, I dont exepct you to sleep with me, in fact, whilst you are going through this cr*p and seeing ow, I dont want you to sleep with me... do a 180 on him again?
I dont know Bobbi, but seems, the harder you try and cling on, the further he slides.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Okay, I too thinlk the other woman is back. Mainly due to Dan's comments about no one listening or understanding him more than the physical stuff.
But,
Does it matter? BBJ, the guy isn't in this marriage. He isn't a husband. He is hurting you and I am sure the kids feel it. I know you love him. I know you love the idea of marriage. But, now you need to take control and do what is best for you.
It is your game and your rules BBJ. Stop playing his game. Both of you are losing this game. Time to play by your rules and be the winner you truly are.
I told him last night he needs to be out of here by tonight, he can't stay here anymore. Of course legally it is his house so if he refused, I don't know that I could make him leave, but i told him to leave.
B/C he went out for a friend at work's birthday after work last night, he told me he was going back on Wednesday so I knew he was going. Well he told me when I said Sydney was sick that if she was too sick, he would skip going out.
I told him she had a 103 fever and pulse 180 and was so tired...
Guess what? He went out anyway....I didn't say anything, didn't contact him after he called at 4 to check on Sydney.
At 12:25 last night he texted me "Just got back to Tom's house I rode home with him and am staying here tonight how is Sydney"
Really? He is concerned about her at 12:30 in the morning? Sure, that's why he called before she went to bed to tell her goodnight--oh yeah he didn't...
That was the straw for me, I am not sure why. Except that it takes me right back to this time last year when he was going out with "Jordan" from work (bachelor friend/cover-up) and would on occasion stay out all night.
If we aren't together anymore, fine, I can work with that. But I cannot work with him living here while living out the bachelor lifestyle. He needs to get his own place asap. And until he does it looks like he can stay with Tom, right?
By the way no need to tell me I am 90% sure he didn't stay with Tom anyway........................
I guess when you love some one, set them free isn't quite it...when you love someone, MAKE them leave.
I don't want to forever kill the love that remains for Dan. He will always be my first real love, the father of my children, and if he stays here much longer all of that will be tainted more than it already is........
And Ali when he said NO ONE listens to him, I WAS listening. I don't think she listens to him the way he wants her to, either. I just think that is prob. part of the attraction in the beginning, she was not invested in his life, so she could not and smile at whatever he said and be his cheerleader because his decisions wouldn't affect her.
Of course once you grow closer to someone you start being more involved in their decisions so she must not be listening the way he wants anymore, either??
As a man, there is no way in hell that I would have refused your advances the other night nor would I have been sleeping in another bed unless my mind and heart were elsewhere...actually I think that even if my heart was not there, I would probably follow through. I always had my suspicions...especially when he slept on the couch....but after the package episode, I would give 50 / 1 odds that other woman is back..
I agree with John..There is no way a man, when grabbed by a 32 yr old former cheerleader, does not respond with sex. There is either something wrong with his package or he is getting it somewhere else.. I personally think he has caught something and knows that if he does the deed then he will pass it to you and then the "jig is up"..that's why he is on the couch..that's why there is no contact..
And Ali when he said NO ONE listens to him, I WAS listening. I don't think she listens to him the way he wants her to, either. I just think that is prob. part of the attraction in the beginning, she was not invested in his life, so she could not and smile at whatever he said and be his cheerleader because his decisions wouldn't affect her.
Of course once you grow closer to someone you start being more involved in their decisions so she must not be listening the way he wants anymore, either??
YOU can't be heard if YOU don't know what YOU are actually saying. He says one thing and does another. He has NFC.
BBJ..you know anything about OW at all?? Do you have a clue what attracts him to her??
I think you did the right thing asking him to move out..
