Oh MT- I'm so sorry. You are right the beer probably made it worse but wow. You weren't hurt were you? I'm sure when things calm down you will talk to him though. Please let us know what happens and know we are here for you.
Beyond that I'm speechless right now.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Well H did come home about 2:30 or so, I heard him drive in but didn't hear him come in, but came in and got a blanket from the bedroom. I guess that is good.
No H wouldn't hurt me, but he gets so enraged sometimes, that he just is an idiot. Almost to the point of being funny...not at the time.
I had to get him up this morning he was sleeping on the couch. I guess he knew I would get him up. I did all the stuff I would normally do. Last night he had said he was going to trim his beard sometime, so I asked him this morning if he had. H said no. I asked if he had plugged it in, H said no. So after he left, I plugged it in for him. He didn't say anything when he left, but his toothbrush and stuff were all still there, I guess that means he will be back.
I figured whenever I tried to put a boundary out there it would piss him off. I shouldn't have said anything about him calling her last night, but the call from the restroom on the way home from the game really pissed him off when I brought that up. I am guessing because he thought I didn't know.
I laid in bed last night and thought of other stuff that we said, but now I don't remember. LOL. Beer memory. H said last night you know I was F*cked up why did you start this. I said sorry, it was just there.
I don't think he will ever get over how he feels that I had an affair, and I think that will be the deal breaker. At one point I said that I hate that I can't tell you I love you. I also said something about being hurt and H said I hurt everyday. I said and you don't think I hurt? H says you don't act like it. I said I put on a really good show don't I. That almost makes me think the acting as if, isn't always good, maybe not in my situation. Who knows. So I am going to try and work on homework today, will be hard, may take a nap first, still pretty tired.
H takes things and runs with them, like I don't want him there, no I want him there, just not him with OW too. I guess that isn't an option for him right now.
Kel- Thanks for checking on me this morning. How is the couch going? Listening to QVC the caller is from Florida, says it is very cold there.
(((((MT)))) I've been there sunshine! Kel is right, I think it was the alcohol, for both of you. And, I don't think it was a bad thing. I know that you are going to feel terrible as you read this, but it will be ok. I felt that things were coming to a head for you. Sometimes you need a small explosion to get the air cleared.
I think what you do today will be very important. I think you started to set your boundary last night, and H tried to create a situation so his hand was forced. Let it go.
How you react today will be important. Do not apologize or try to cling to him. Keep you head up and tell him that you are not willing to share.
It was very clear to me while reading your post that he still cares about you very much. He is very much in a MLC fog. He said:
Quote:
H says no you don't if I am not with you you don't want me to be happy.
I can't tell you how many times I heard the very same thing. He is almost howling with pain now. But you know what. It is self inflicted pain. You are not the cause of it. Though he may try to make it seem that you are, because you are making him stay. You aren't making him stay. If he wanted to be with her weeks ago, he would be.
It is very plain that he does not want to live with this woman and her kids. He is still in the fog though and does not want to have to make a choice.
It looks to me like his behavior last night was push, because he is trying to make it your choice.
I'm so sorry that it got physical. He is in pain, he is trying to force your hand so that he does not have to make a painful choice, or a bad mistake. If it is your choice/fault he does not have to choose.
He did not take his clothes, because he will be back. Probably today. Keep your head up and do not cave. This will be very important. Stay strong. You do not want him to leave, but you will no longer share him with another woman. Let him choose.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
When the S is in MLC the whole thing is about them. Your last post had a couple of revealing statements.
Every time that I said how much I was hurting, my H responded that he was the one in the most pain. I was always confused by that, because we was the once CAUSING us both pain with his actions. So stop doing the painful things! He never saw it that way.
It was always all about him. Only recently has he been able to look at things beyond himself.
Oh, and it might be a good thing if you don't drink around him for a while. It took a couple of same type events for me to figure out that I didn't have the detachment when I had something to drink that I needed to survive around him.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Thanks Hope, I was typing while you were typing too. H was back last night. I knew he would make it be my decision. Or try to make it mine. You guys have given me enough of a heads up to know how he would react, and you were all right on. I know he doesn't want to choose, but he is going to have too.
He was physical but not with me just stuff. We did talk about me hitting the door, when he went to talk to his brother and SIL that night we saw OW's step kids, he told SIL to pull over cause he needed to move his arms, and she wouldn't and he hit the windshield and busted it. He said something about it feeling better, and I said something about my wrist being bruised and not my knuckles. I said you aren't the only one that needs to hit things sometimes. H said when was it, I said two Sunday's ago, I said when you didn't watch the Chiefs with me. H says I figured that, I said I doubt your flashlight will work again either. We both kind of chuckled about it some. I could see that he needed to move last night when we were driving to Roy's house. His hands just kept moving on the steering wheel, he was very antsy.
Yesterday, I saw the friend who had the affair's jeep at the mexican restaurant that we eat at, and is the place where his wife caught him with his OW. I asked H if he was seeing her again, H said he says he isn't. I told him I saw the jeep and H says well I would say he is then. H also said that supposedly the friend's OW called me. I said no. H said I told him you would have told me if she had. I told him why would she call me? H said to tell you about my OW. H says to his friend, I haven't lied to MT she new about it. I said that doesn't make it any easier. H says yeah I know. But H says I think friend is lying to me and to himself. H told him if she calls MT she will probably go kick her A$$, and I wouldn't stop her.
I almost wanted to go in there just to see her. Would have been funny, I would have said, well XXX this isn't the same girl you had with you at the Chiefs game last month. LOL.
I am so GREATLY appreciative of all the great advice I have gotten, so I knew how he would try to put it back on me. I know he thinks it all started because of me. I know in my heart I didn't do anything, if he can get through that we might make it, otherwise I doubt it.
Oh yeah, I shouldn't have kept drinking once I saw how emotional he was, which at the restaurant I did stop and he kept on. But my guard dropped at Roy's house, I hadn't intended to drink beer at all, but I was having fun and it was more relaxed. I didn't do it right at all when I brought up the calls on the way home. That was my fault and was beer inspired I know. I was right there on the idiot wagon with him at that point! I needed a good 2x4 then!
Yeah it is all him, right now, other than whose fault this is, that would be mine in his eyes. He feels I ruined the best thing in his life, me. I can't fix that. Then I feel he is ruining the best thing in my life...and he is and I can't fix that either.
MT-glad to see you are up and awake. I too have heard the you only want me happy with you speech. I swear they give them all the same book. You just want things your way. Yes I think I might cut down the drinking. At least you. You can't control him, but it will help you control your reactions to him.
I think it was good that you put your boundary out there. Of course he didn't react well. You told him you didn't like what he is doing and that you actually are aware of it all. I almost think it surprises them how much we know. Even without "proof" we know them. And right now they don't feel like they know themselves.
Like Hope, my H is finally starting to see how much I'm hurting too. But 6 months ago, I would text "I miss you" and he would send back "why", like he really couldn't figure it out. Like he felt like I shouldn't miss him because I didn't care at all.
I want to agree with Hope, for all three of us, that if they didn't care, they wouldn't be at home still. My H has actually told me he isn't ready for a R with anyone right now. I bet they all sort of feel that way and if they got too serious with the OP, then that would be an R like at home.
Get some rest, be positive in your mind, don't apologize for the boundary or how you feel, and let him choose.
And yes Hope, I agree. There are times I just want to tell H I'm tired of both of us hurting and it is time for him to just grow up and get back into life, since he is the one doing all of it. But you can't say it so.........Life with MLC I guess.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
