...and you know what else? Maybe you are inadvertently making it harder for your H? He has no idea what you are thinking, you have played the game so well. My C talks alot about how people look for openings, that if you do the brave thing of taking a little step toward them, it makes it easier for them to take a step toward you and mirror ...I tried it on a friend earlier this year (who holds alot in).. she responded with relief and began opening up little by little.. now, we are as close as we could be and she feels that she can tell me anything (eventhough its still hard for her). I see your H like this. Stuck.
I'm rambling, but I think it could be possible to break the deadlock, but you may have to be brave.
Interesting.....I guess I'd say in relation to asking H anything that it won't make me feel better to hear anything he has to say. The only thing I'd believe would be actions on his part- anything he might say about being confused/not being happy etc. would just be words and I've heard them before. He has to step up and man-up, and he's running out of time. I think I posted before that the New Year is when things will be clearer and easier for me. I'll have clarity on a few fronts then which will make things easier for me and H, and maybe for CEO too depending how the fundraise goes.
naej- for now, things aren't going to go further with CEO than a drink after work and suggestive banter. How long will he be available? Hard to answer. 39 years and he stil is, but he won't keep pursuing me forever, I know. January isn't long. He may not be my boss by then anyway.
Ali- I'm glad you found the office banter amusing. CEO is like that in what he says. Funny! For my H, I think he knows what I think more than it comes across on the boards. I periodically mention things that give him openings to speak to me and he doesn't take them. I'm not scared to ask him what he thinks/feels, but I know from experience that I won't get an answer. After a year, in any case, he doesn't owe me one and I don't need one for peace of mind. He doesn't know why he went off with the aubergine- we've talked about it before.... I guess I should say that these things don't bother me on a day-to-day basis and now I wish I'd not mentioned it in my post now . It was only a teeny thought which passed soon enough. I've accepted what happened....
Sunshine- I know you understand. Vice versa.
So, I know I have to decide. Except that there isn't a real choice to be made at the moment. I'm still married to H, and CEO flirts and banters but hasn't 'said' anything. Eventually I'll have to decide to get a D. Now isn't the time, but things are starting to change. We'll see in the New Year.
"After a year, in any case, he doesn't owe me one and I don't need one for peace of mind.".. I disagree, he does owe you. Why do you thnk he doesnt? He walked down the aisle with you.. and then all this. I dont get it Lisa, you are worth it you know!
You say you talked about the aub before.. but that was AGES ago! Its a moving target, things change, perspectives change, he's had an awful long time to reflect on why he did what he did?
Also.. we arent suggesting you ask him stuff just to feel better, its more about moving things along? You and him havent had any real, honest, open communication for 18 months.
Whats happening in January and why would that make things clearer?!
Glad you liked the outfit. It was tricky deciding what to wear!
H doesn't owe me anything because although he married me, he's been gone for over a year and I accept what happened. I don't worry about/wonder why he left. It was/is an MLC and wasn't anything to do with me/our R per se. I know my own value, BTW- if anything my self-esteem is too high . Also there's nothing H could say at this stage of his journey that would help me feel better because he still doesn't know what happened himself. He feels guilty and ashamed of his actions. Me asking him about them isn't going to make him feel better/get him feeling good about me any time soon!
I agree that things change, but if my H wants to come back he knows where I am. He knows what he's missing....but he left, and he's the one who has to man up if he's coming back. I'm not doing it for him by telling him he can come back. To be honest, I don't know if I'd take him back if he was to return, so I couldn't guarantee an open door anyway.
Could you clarify what you mean by 'real, open, honest' communication? If you mean a discussion about our R, we had them as follows: 10 days ago, on our wedding anniversary, and in July, in June and in May. We just don't discuss the aubergine, and that's a choice I make because I don't place value on their R. In addition we do have very good communication about our lives, interests, family, friends and so on. None of the R conversations have moved things along- the MLCer is on their own timeline and you can't do things to speed them up. MWD says that and it's been the case in all the other MLC successes I've read. Is there a reason why you think my sitch is different from the others?
There's a lot going on for me in January- not going to post it. Sorry!
Lisa, I wasn't suggesting long in depth convo's with your X, I have always felt that you are comfortable in your own mind as to the why's and wherefores and are also secure in the knowledge that this is not about you per say. I understand you have no need to revisit the past I really do get that. You are a confident and obviously intelligent woman. I don't see you as putting your life on hold for your H either. You have reached a point of friendship and I think you and he will always have a bond, maybe easier (forgive this) by not having children together. Yes they are a blessing but often complicate things too. I just sense indecision and was trying to move things along_see I don't have your patience.I also know your bio clock is ticking.So far you have been doing great following your gut instincts so I truly hope by January all will be revealed.
I would love to write to your X and say that you are forming a strong and seriously sensual attachment to a certain person and would he mind if you followed your desires---what do you think he'd say? Enjoy Sunday it's supposedly going to be v cold, so you might need to cosy up for the body warmth.
I don't have anything to add as I think a lot has been said already. I just want to say that I think you're amazing. You seem to have the patience, self-confidence and general zest for life that I think many of us aspire to.
I hope you have a great weekend. Sounds like you're off to a good start!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I agree with Naej.. and like her, I am aware that your clock is ticking and that that is a concern for you (so why keep waiting). Interesting about January, hopefully that will clarify things then!
In terms of talking to him, no, not to rake over the past (me and my ex didnt). I meant talk to him about where you find yourselves now. How does he feel now. Why is he still emailing you, taking you for drinks, checking out your melons, holding your hand (sometimes)..why does he send you restrained emails about work/football? Does he see you now as friends? Is he happy with the aub, or like someone said, is there any possibility he is considering coming home? In short, how long does he expect you to wait!? (and can you)
Also, no, I wasnt suggest you "do it for him" or "tell him to come home"...more ask him something that may help you move forwards towards motherhood somehow? When you say "if my H wants to come back he knows where I am. He knows what he's missing....".. again, I wasnt suggesting you talk to him for his sake, but for your sake.
And when you say you are not sure you would take him back anyway..then why are you still bothering to DB him? Why are you denying yourself happiness with others, like CEO? Why do you say you feel guilty for fancying CEO becuase of your H and that you dont want CEO becuase he's not your H, then you say, but you dont know if you'd have your H back? Do you need to resolve that one as it seems pretty key?
You also say, you dont place any importance on their R... but he's been seeing someone else for 18 months, so in terms of piecing, I would have thought it is relevant, else how are you ever going to get past it?
Also.. can you hand on heart say that this statement is true? "we do have very good communication about our lives, interests, family, friends and so on".. Is it good, or is it a smokescreen?
I'm not 2x4ing you (I hope!) I am trying to help, especially considering the children aspect. I dont think anyone is suggesting you talk to him to speed your MLCer along (not possible!) but for your own decision making? But looks like January is a line in the sand for you? Which is something isnt it.
naej- I'm not sure how H would react to an e-mail from you, but it'd be amusing to see! Thankyou for viting me- I love to see you!
Ali- I don't need to speak to H to speed up my decision making. I'll make my decisions when I'm ready, and why should I speed up my decision-making in any case? (This is a rhetorical question- I know the answer, which is that I don't need to make a decision now). My life is NOT on hold. I'm NOT waiting for H to come back. I'm LIVING. IF H ever comes back, the R with aubergine will be something that needs dealing with. For now, it's unimportant. And if he ever decides he wants to work things out I'll decide whether to take him back depending on my then circumstances. Yes, laughing, talking and discussing the world is good communication to me, considering that we could easily never speak to each other at all. H and I are friends, hence the contact. And no, I'm not DBing him in the sense of winning him back- I haven't done that for a good 2-3 months now. I'm DBing by being detached and getting on with own life. Enjoying my picnic and letting him deal with his MLC.
!!!!!! What a night!!!!!!!! What a discussion on your thread!!!!! I can't believe your CEO said what he said about the kitchen worktop!!! I am so glad you had fun. But I know it must be so confusing...
a couple weeks ago I had thought about your sitch. It is pretty simple but for some reason it seemed important. I think if you do decide to go for CEO, your H might just boomerang back to you. So I think if you do decide, at some point, with your own timeline, that you want to be with CEO, you should be sure in advance that you really don't want H. Otherwise I think you will break CEO's heart.
This sounds harsh, but I don't want to be harsh!!! I'm sure you've already thought about this a million times!!
. It was only a teeny thought which passed soon enough. I've accepted what happened.... 
. Also there's nothing H could say at this stage of his journey that would help me feel better because he still doesn't know what happened himself. He feels guilty and ashamed of his actions. Me asking him about them isn't going to make him feel better/get him feeling good about me any time soon!