To start, she said she doesn't know what she wants to do. I said I wasn't willing to go on like we are, she said she was. Then she played the guilt card, do I want any of the other kids to think that they have to go into the military in order to pay for college. With the economy like is is, they won't be able to get loans. Etc., etc.
She said she wants to sell the house. Nothing new there, she has said that for a while. But she knows it can't be done right now. She says that she's at a disadvantage because I have the higher paying, better benefit job. That's true, but I can't fix that. I said that I thought I could borrow enough on the house to buy her out. I'd be stretched, but I could hold the house long enough for the market to recover, I hope. We even talked about the possibility of being D'd and both continuing to live in the house until it could be sold. Though we'd have to visit new SO's at their place.
She stayed pretty calm, and didn't go into her lecturing, controlling mode much. Though it did seem that she was telling me that I was a bad father if we did anything to mess up the financial plans for the kids. I think that she finally realizes this is serious. And that I am finally standing up for myself.
It still seems that the division of labor around here is a big deal with her. And that brings along a big set of issues for her. That's her problem, but she's made it mine. I've always agreed with her, maybe too easily, or maybe I've let her beat me down when I didn't, just to stop the fight. I need to look at that issue really carefully. I am sure it isn't so bad as to justify things being as they are. That doesn't mean it couldn't be better.
She really and truly doesn't seem to think that there could be a good reason for her to talk to my C. She said that I should have revisited that subject after her rejection, I told her that the way she did it felt like a complete turn off on the subject, so I wasn't about to do that. She even said that she knew it was going to come back to bite her. She did say that she thought MC would have to be part of the picture, after the first of the year. I agreed. I think she needs IC, too, but I don't think it is time to bring that into it.
I'm sure there was more, but that is a start!
((((((((Michelle)))))))) I hope you are feeling better!
Hi Jeff Thinking of you. Not sure what you are feeling and what you're goal is... which direction do you want this to be heading?
I might be way off base... but I think a break from her would be really helpful. Is there any way you can go away for a week and do something fun? I know there will be a million reasons why you cant.... but if you really are going to separate physically then maybe it would be helpful for you both to have a taste of what that means??
I think you sound detached, but maybe its more numb? It does sound like you handled the conversation calmly. Did you compliment her? I hope that you thanked her for sharing her feelings and initiating a conversation?? (Its so tough to appreciate crumbs I know)
The financial thing will work itself out whatever decision you make. No-one ever has enough money, married, separated or divorced!
Hey Jeff.. I agree with Essie, and WTH is she complaining about division of labour for again!? If you D, she will have to do ALL of her shopping/cooking/cleaning, so thats the least of her worries right now, the M is more important... is she saying its part of a bigger issue.. she feels taken for granted? Treated as a mother/housekeeper/slave and not a woman? What is underneath all this complaining about chores !???
You said.. "She really and truly doesn't seem to think that there could be a good reason for her to talk to my C.".. I sort of agree, why do you want her to talk to your C??
"She said that I should have revisited that subject after her rejection, I told her that the way she did it felt like a complete turn off on the subject, so I wasn't about to do that."
Well again, I agree with her... why let things fester? Bad communication is the root of all evil all over these boards!!! And how we ended up separated in alot of cases as far as I can see. Why were you "not about to do that"? I asked you on a previoys page abut trying to clarify your communication with her, maybe not just 'leave things' like you have been doing?
"She did say that she thought MC would have to be part of the picture, after the first of the year. I agreed. I think she needs IC, too, but I don't think it is time to bring that into it."
WOW! So thats huge !!! Thats great news Jeff, she has agreed to go to MC with you! WooHoo!! THats a result hey ? Are yuo going to to start looking for a decent MC? Get an appointment booked! I agree on the IC, but if shes not willing, you can lead a horse to water... at least she agrees on the MC, I am SO pleased for you!
You're letter had the desired result I would say.. its kick started changes? YAY!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
