I feel ashamed and pathetic.

[Stigmata]

What changed? The key event was this. My wife, circa 1996, began having extramarital affairs, with another woman. I found indisputable evidence of this, circa the spring of 1997. I never confronted my wife about this, or even mentioned it. I made the calculation, that I did not want to destroy my marriage. So I took the physical evidence, and threw it away.

In retrospect, it was a bad decision. I have forgiven my wife for what happened. But ever since then, her behavior has become increasingly more brazen. She routinely spends nights away from home, with her female paramours. And she takes trips with them, to which I am not invited, of course. She didn't even bother to tell me about the last one; I only found out about it, when I saw the bill for the plane tickets.

-- OK, I am dropping by again even as I thought you were well out of the woods. Are you even stil reading this thread???

Let's get real for a minute. I see you are stil with the moniker "mrpathetic" and that makes me displeased to say the least.

I have forgiven my wife for what happened.

When this all began, I didn't want to destroy my marriage, because I still had small children. I didn't want to see them grow up in a single-parent household.

-- This refers to her so-called possible lesbian affair you built up in your head, right? Again, excuse me but I am going to say in a quite stentorian voce: "BS!

You did not forgive her. Your lingering resentment is quite clear. STOP being so damne dself righteous. Did you confront her with your discovery? Did you verbalize this so-called "indisputable" evidence?

No. I thought not. You "threwe away" the "evidence." Hence resentment. Hence her feeling an ill wind from you probably.

Mrp,she may have actually felt respect for you had you taken her to task with your so-called indisputable affair evidence.

Why not: "Hey, what's this plane ticket expense? Hmmm? If I'm going to jet off somewhere on our shared dime you cqan be damned sure I have enough respect for you to discuss the matter first."

I was glad to see you seeing a Christian counselor and assumed you were on that path but your words say otherwise.

Listen to me. This is going to sting. You are ... STILL a DOORMAT. WAke the F up!

Two years? Sez who??? Her??? Of course, cuz she can push you around like a littel boy. Stop that! Be the man!

She wants two years? Hm, well baby how about two weeks? "I'm sure I can have plenty of willing females helping me get over you in that time frame."

Do you understand me? Women normally like men who are in control of their own sexual/overall attractiveness. Not some sap who is willing to sit there and take an unfair and irrational beating and some ridiculous two year time frame that she yokes onto you like a good little plow horse.

Look dude. I am not saying you must threaten the woman you love so much. I am saying you need to be the man. She is rebelling and throwing a tantrum b/c you have distanced yourself from any type of leadrship role with your woe-is-me and my issues attitude for so many years. She had led your household longer than her subconciousness felt to be rightt or fair and she has awakened.

And guess what??? Her subconscious is right. It feels cheated she linked herself up with a man who is not leading the way as master of his own kingdowm and domain. Can't blame her. What woman wants a milquetoast for her man?

She has zero respect for you mrp. You need to understand this right now.

And maybe from that perspective, it was the right choice. I have 2 children that are both intelligent and self-sufficient, and both are entering adulthood soon.

However, my relationship with my wife is a train wreck. There is no trust or intimacy, and my wife is resisting efforts to make changes. She already is calculating that she is better off single, so she can spend more time with her lesbian friends.

That is what happened. Sure, other things transpired, but this is at the core of our problems.

-- Look mrp, this pains me to the Nth degree. I hear you. You are so worried about the nuclear family structure remaining intact that you are willing to put up with ANYTHING. Do you see? She may not even be interested in other women but because you have such an insecurity over it she chalks you up as a garden variety insecure man who won't take charge no matter what ridiculous scenario she throws at you.

What you think she thinks is fantasy. You say she is "calculating she is better off single?"

Really? Do you have a pocket "my wife is gay" MRI? Unless she has said this in no uncertain terms I wouldn't recommend you attempt to mind-read my good man.

What is at the "core" of your problems is your apparent inability to stand up for yourself in your own R.

MRP, who the hell were you before she came into your life? Did you not look after yourself and direct your goings-on? Self-directed/driven?

Why the hell are you ceding control of your owhn wants, needs, desires to a woman who doesn't want to be in charge, dammmit?

Sack up. Tell her to stop with the ultimatums because she is hnot the boss of you and your family. Period. Life is preciouss and fleeting. If she can't work with you then she is wasting your time and your children's time.

Stop letting her dictate any terms. You are an equal partner at the very least. Give her a piece of your mind for a change instead of lolligagging around in this passive-aggressive resentment muck in which you find yourself mired.

DRIVE your life pal. Bring her along for the ride. Stop being such a whipping boyy at the expense of keeping your family and M intact at all costs. Criminey!

At the very least you owe it to your children. There's no excuse for one parent to steamroll the other parent when it boils down to generating a child's respect for his/her mom and dad.

Get mad mrpathetic. You have the balls in your family so use them. Lead your family my good man.

-Stigmata-