Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Thank you friends for checking on me. I am in an odd place right now. I am very angry. When ever STBXH is around me, the rage surfaces and all I can think is "I wish you would just die!" This has been disturbing to me since I am a "there is always a silver lining" kind of person. I DO see the silver lining in this, yet cant get past the anger I feel. Maybe it is because I could have died during the summer and he was not there for me.....I dont know. I have to stop focusing on him and return to me. So, this last week I have been preparing how to make that happen:

First of all, I keep trying to focus on my gratitude journal. I have been tired lately so was not keeping up, but can now see that I must do it EVERY single day to keep focusing on the positives in my life.

I have been GAL like you would not believe (also part of why I have not been posting as much). THere was a date with funny guy that turned into him being known as gay guy who does not want to admit that he is gay. And there is an up coming date with HOT guy who seems to be as dumb as a box of rocks on the phone but it might just be that he does not like talking on the phone (I really hope that is the case because he is REALLY REALLY HOT!!!) Still, it is nice to have some arm candy to boost the old ego on occasion.

My friends have been so wonderful during this entire process and there for me over and over. I made the realization the other day that I have more emotional support today than I ever did during my M. Made me stop and re-evaluate things from a different perspective. I am no longer looking at the M I had as a story book romance....it was not. There were good times and bad times, I can now see that it was not the "perfect" R.

I have been slowly distancing myself from my STBXH. Last night I sent him an email saying that I no longer wanted any contact from him unless it was about S and then only in email format. This morning was son's IC appointment and STBXH was taking him. STBXH walked into the house this morning w/o even knocking. It really p!ssed me off. COme to find out, he did not get the email. I finally told him what I wanted and he got mad.....said he didnt understand because he thought we were working towards a better R. I was shocked. I was stunned. He just does not get that we cannot have any kind of R as long as he is in a R with OW. I told him that while she was in the picture, I would not be. I know he prob thinks I am doing this total darkness as a way to punish him, I am not. I am doing it to let go of the rage that is inside of me. It is the out of sight out of mind mentality.

Found out that STBXH also has an active on line dating profile. Just shows how messed he is....he is living with OW and looking for others during this process. The truth will come out and he will get what he deserves. I dont need to focus on that anymore. I need to focus on me.

So, here I am, happy most of the time and raging the rest. I am trying to let the anger go because I truly dont want it. It eats at my soul. They say that anger is the final step before acceptance. God I truly hope so.

Thanks again for checking on me. YOu have all be lifesavers to me on so many different occasions. Thank you for your kindness and support.