I can't believe that living in constant agony is right either! Thank you for your insights on little changes I can make to make things at least better right now. YES! You don't need to live in agony! You deserve so much better. I am so glad you are doing this. I am confident you'll find a good place. I am rooting for you peace! We are all rooting for you and your husband!
the fixing things now syndrome was brought up in MC, too. C said that him especially will have a hard time because people with anxiety disorder canNOT live in limbo. They need solutions NOW. and he proved that. But I will try your suggestions.
Thanks you guys SOooo much for today. I actually have a glimmer of hope peaking through from my soul.
Well...things are still pretty calm. I've been cordial and patient - have not been cornered for a whole week now. Last Thursday was my big 'turn-around' day where I decided that I wasn't going to live this way anymore. Ever since I told him that he really needs to find a way to give me some space - or I'm going to create space by separating....He Has Done Exactly That.
Small tiny things are almost brought up by him, but I've found the patience to not let things bubble up. Like he brought up the question if he's invited to my family's Thanksgiving next week. Uhhhh...Yeah - of Course...was my response. I knew he was fishing for more, but I didn't go there.
Don't know if that was right. I still don't have the book. I'm taking the whole day off to Christmas shop tomorrow, so I'll be getting it then. Thanks for checking in! If you're online today, would love to hear from y'all.
In print that reads kind of mean. Perhaps it doesn't translate but as a prototypical dumb husband, potential LBS, who has not yet read the book, I would have analyzed that response to death and freaked out for at least 48 hours or until I could find a way to get my next temperature check on the relationship. It could have nudged me right back into pursuing.
Of course if you sounded sweet as can be when you said that...never mind.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I did say 'of course you're invited to Thanksgiving' in a nice way.
[quote=DownNotOut...yet]
Quote:
I would have analyzed that response to death and freaked out for at least 48 hours or until I could find a way to get my next temperature check on the relationship. It could have nudged me right back into pursuing.
K...REALLY need your guys' response on this one....So you're saying that it is now MY sole responsibility to say everything and do everything in my power to be a fake nice sweet supportive person...JUST so my husband will not be nudged back into pursuing? I think your answer is going to be, yeah...if I want to stay married.
Well, this pursuing paranoid weak person is someone I do NOT want to be married to, at all. And now I know that that will always be a possibility in him...that he will always be capable of returning back to this person that I do not know. That's the same thing I think about his anxiety....that without the meds, he will be a person I don't want to be around at all.
I'm now his other medicine.
So I have to continue to remain strong, baby him back to the person I know? That sounds so stressful to me. I am really really tired of being the strong one, here. I am yearning for being taken care OF. But in hindsight, that has never happened either. I am NOT being sarcastic/cynical about this...I'm really serious. I know it sounds like pity me, pity me...
I bought the book last Friday, presented it to him. I said I've done alot of research and I think this book will help us out. I really hope both of us can read this, and go from there.
Well, this pursuing paranoid weak person is someone I do NOT want to be married to, at all. And now I know that that will always be a possibility in him...that he will always be capable of returning back to this person that I do not know. That's the same thing I think about his anxiety....that without the meds, he will be a person I don't want to be around at all.
I'm now his other medicine.
So I have to continue to remain strong, baby him back to the person I know? That sounds so stressful to me. I am really really tired of being the strong one, here. I am yearning for being taken care OF. But in hindsight, that has never happened either. I am NOT being sarcastic/cynical about this...I'm really serious. I know it sounds like pity me, pity me...
Peace, hi! I feel what you're going through, as I deal with the anxiety issue as well. It does get hard...I realized that was what I liked about OM, he would always tell me everything was going to be alright, that I was strong enough to face my challenges whatever decision I made. H and his family always say everything is going to be awful. Professional handwringers. I just got so tired of having to be "the strong one" as well. I remember H giving me a card one time saying I was the rock of the family. Well that's sweet, and it was touching that he acknowledged that, but I needed HIM to put his arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay.
Guess what? He actually said that to me the other day...something about he wanted me to be able to put my head on his shoulder and feel safe. I was stunned. So don't give up hope about things improving. I know it's extra hard with the anxiety sitch, but this is a transition time you're both in...so try to be patient. The major thing I have to focus on (and I'm not so great at it!) is ONE day at a time.
Breakaway...I think you are the one I was asking about if my feelings would EVER change. I really feel that working on the marriage is the right choice, but I have to admit it. I do NOT have the feelings to back up that choice. It's the same as before, I'm doing this for everyone else. I'm not saying that i would be happier divorced. the grass isn't greener there, for sure. But I'm really really weary. really tired. And I'm doing this all without loving this guy.
HA! The answer is NO. Originally, I think, you were asking for some short term advice to keep YOU from walking out the door. Very admirable on your part BTW. You chilled out and it helped him chill out.
I would say your responsibility is two things. Communicate, in a way he understands. A way you KNOW he understands (woman suck at this). You need to communicate what you need from him. Perhaps taking his meds is part of that. Communicate that if he does the things you need from him, then your situation could improve. Your husband is not weak. He is just facing the possibility that everything he's worked for, loves, and cares about is on the verge of disappearing. Most men in your husbands situation, I think, would say death is a better fate. If you are yearning to be taken care of, go tell your husband. I bet a bazillion trillion dollars that if you said to your husband, I've been yearing to be taken care of, he will look back at you in amazement and say, really? I had no idea.
He needs to do it, you need to tell him what to do. Guys don't get it, unless you spell it out. It needs to be comically clear.
The second thing is answer this question, "Would you want to be married to you?" If the answer is absolutely yes, then your job is done. If your answer is "not so much," then you have something to think about.
So here is the punchline. You are the potential WAW and it sounds like we are giving you work to do. This is true to a degree but only because you showed up here in time to save your marriage before the real damage is done. Usually it is your husband who shows up here after you've left, frantically trying to learn enough to A)carry on day to day with the pain, and B)try to win his wife and family back. YOU are so wonderful that you came here first. If more people were as thoughtful as you what a better world this would be.
Your husband really needs to be here as well but since you got here first, you got the work. It is not your job to nurse him to anything. It's not HIS job to nurse you either. It is his job to get OK with himself, for you to get OK with yourself and then both of you start working to meet eachothers needs.
You might want to by a copy of The 5 Love Languages for holiday reading. Also look into His Needs Her Needs. I am pretty sure you can read the first chapter of each for free of you google around a bit. You are so wonderful for coming here first before walking. You may have given your husband, kids and yourself the best holiday gift imaginable.
Sermon over
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Breakaway...I think you are the one I was asking about if my feelings would EVER change. I really feel that working on the marriage is the right choice, but I have to admit it. I do NOT have the feelings to back up that choice. It's the same as before, I'm doing this for everyone else. I'm not saying that i would be happier divorced. the grass isn't greener there, for sure. But I'm really really weary. really tired. And I'm doing this all without loving this guy.
Hey, honeybun...I know!
My kids kept me in this house...my kids kept me going forward, because I don't want them to go through a divorce if it's possible. And all the extended family. I did it for everyone else too. A friend of mine is a lawyer...and she just kept on telling me, gently, but over and over, that I was going to make it worse by leaving...you STILL have to deal with the guy married or not really. I couldn't stomach the thought of dealing with all our kid issues...I mean it's hard enough now, what would it be like if we were divorced? Honestly, I figured if anything, I'd have to talk to him even MORE if were divorced, LOL. The negotiations on every little anxious detail would never end. Bleeeeehhhhhh.....
So I stayed. And I thought, well, if I'm gonna stay, what am I gonna do, I can't live "like this". So it's been a slow process, and it's not over yet. Now at least I feel like if I ever do divorce, it will be a rational decision and not an "escape."
Stay here on the boards...you will gain a lot of understanding. My feelings really did come back, and it's better in some ways really. I feel like I'm really starting my own life over, Peace. I have a long way to go. We still have many problems..but the direction is forward. You can't "make" feelings come back, but if you follow the suggestions, they very well might.
I know how tired and weary you are, babe. I do. But you aren't walking alone anymore. There is hope. Day by day.
