I screwed up again

[techguy]

Learn how to validate... then validate your ass off in the MC session.

I never knew how to validate, and it cost me dearly in my old relationship. Everytime wife is upset and wrong... your first reaction should be: validate!

I could never bring myself to validate in these situations. I would always fall into a mode where I would start debating her and trying to 'educate' her why she was wrong. Big Mistake!

Validating doesn't mean you are agreeing with her. It's just a way to show empathy for her feelings.

So, for example, suppose she starts accusing you of being a bad dad. You don't agree at all with that. You're validation is to say: 'I understand how important the kids are to you. I know you just want the best for them', etc... Then agree that they are important to you as well. So you are really just finding common ground and telling her that you understand her feelings. But you never agree that you are a bad dad.

Yes, listening is good as well. Spend 50% of your time listening, 40% validating and then 10% mentioning your side of the story (less if you can tolerate it). You'll be amazed how well it goes!

Just remember... from the last resort technique section of DR: when things are super-bad (i.e. spouse is seeking divorce), you simply don't have the leverage to bring up your grievances. You spouse simply won't tolerate it at this point. So your only choice for now is to swallow your pride and suppress any of your grievances.

You can come back to your issues later... for now you must just deal with your wife's concerns.