Mish - blush away if you have to....feel the rush of blood again!
And let things with CG just kind of be for a while. Revel in it, and be open to seeing where things go without any expectations. Glow in the warmth of a new friend, for that is who he is today. Let tomorrow come when it will and enjoy the things you can today (especially with the schedule you have, lady!)
I know that you can't take a whole day, but can you break it down into an hour a day for a week? That would give you 7 hours, or a full day at the spa! *Get your hair done *Get a mani/pedi (or do it yourself) *Light a scented candle and read or listen to a book on tape *Take a hot bath *Visit a holiday shop with all of the decorations and scents, then have a cup of coco on the way home *Pick up a trashy magazine of Hollywood messes - with their makeup off and their personal lives in tatters. Puts it all in perspective! *Take Marc to Sears or JCPenny and have a Mom&Me photo taken - look for the free coupons, get the minimum and scan the thing!
Can you get lost in a craft for a while? You can make something very inexpensive / recycle, and the act of doing that kind of work gets you into the "other half" of your brain, away from the sense of time passing, and better yet, NON-VERBAL!! Almost impossible to get to any of the What If thinking...
Thanks Donna. Good suggestions and I'll take them under consideration. If I can piece any time together at all it would be a Godsend.
Everyone here is going to be very disappointed in me. Heck, I feel like a complete idiot but I couldn't seem to stop it.
I was going to bible study tonight. It was the singles bible study from the church I attend DivorceCare at. It's not my church, but the other baptist church in town. I was nervous about going because I don't know anyone except CG that attends the group. I had to text CG earlier tonight to check on the time of the group because I forgot to ask when I got the directions. He told me 7pm but that he unexpectedly had his kids so he wouldn't be there. I figured, I'm a big girl, I don't need the buffer of having someone there I know. I'll be ok. WRONG! I pulled up in front of the house and immediately had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking. No matter how many deep breaths and took I couldn't get it under control. I finally got calmed down enough to drive away.
I decided I would just go to my cousin's house to discuss the Thanksgiving plans with her so I had some idea of what I needed to get done. I got to her house, I was obviously being a bother to her and then realized they were going out to dinner (her, her H and 2 of their 5 kids). I told her to call me when she had time to discuss the menu and I left, got in my car and started crying so hard I couldn't see. Great! Stupid! I went to pick up my measly little check from my part-time job and cried all the way to the bank. Cried all the way home. Walked into the house, picked up the mail, got a copy of my son's progress report showing that he is failing EVERY class now. Not just 2 but ALL of them and immediately went to my room and locked myself in. That's where I still am 45 minutes later. Locked in my room without any desire to go back out there and face my son and try to come up with yet another plan of action to get him passing his classes.
His teachers are out of ideas, I'm never home, his dad is useless and even though my mom is here with him whenever he's home, she can't help him since she can't see.
Back to EVERYTHING SUCKS! Just great! And I was feeling so darned good earlier today even though the exhaustion is taking over.
Que sera, sera......
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
OK, your mom is home, so S has someone if he has a problem. Stay locked in tonight. Sometimes we just have to let the steam off a little. Hon, you've been through a LOT over the last few days! Be easy on yourself!!!
I am not disappointed in you. No one here is disappointed in you. You are asking so much of yourself in a very short period of time. And just like other times before, this low point is NOT permanent.
Cry if you need to. Scream into your pillow. Pound the bed with your fists. There isn't anything that you could do tonight that would solve anything, anyway. Then, get some sleep. Even if you need to take something to help with that (there are over the counter, and I don't know if you have anything else - did you ever have xanax on hand for the panic attacks?)
I know that there are many times that the only thing that resets my head is sleep. Lots of it. What time do you have to work tomorrow?
ahhh..Mish..you're alright..you're still doing great..look at all you faced this week!! and you're still living..you just need some rest. We all need a little rest..we all need a break is what we all need..for sure..
I would never think your an idiot.. I would never be disappointed..after a good night's sleep things will be different..
Mishka, (((((((((((())))))))))) Hope today dawns brighter for you. Please don't be hard on yourself. These days happen, cry then sleep then back in the saddle or one foot in front of the other.
It hurts so much, we all understand. We wouldn't be human if it didn't. You will get through this and better days will come.
I had an ok exchange with Gabe today. He came to pick up Marc from karate today and will have him with him until Monday afternoon since he's out of school next week. I was dreading seeing him but I took a notebook with me and was writing out responses I wanted to give some people here on the boards when I got home. When he arrived just before the end of class I saw him out of the corner of my eye but I didn't look up as I was writing. I finished my paragraph and then just looked up for a second and waved to him. That was it. I'm proud of myself for not reacting to him. I didn't get the nervous heart flutter I used to.
When class was over I told him to come and get Marc's bag out of the car. He followed me. Honestly, when I did finally look at him fully, he looks like CRAP! His hair looked oily and was standing up several directions, he hadn't shaved, he was wearing clothes that looked like they hadn't been washed recently (like he might be wearing them for the 3rd or 4th time!) and he looked beaten. Yeah, that's the word....beaten. Is it horrible that it made me feel really good? It's horrible isn't it? I feel happy that he's looking miserable. I don't know if that is how he is feeling or not and really don't care. He brought everything on himself.
I told him about Marc failing all of his classes and told him that if he has any other strategies for getting his grades up, please let me know. He was ticked about the grades but knows that there is nothing more I can do for Marc. If he choses not to bring home his homework or do projects and classwork, I can't help him. Gabe agreed with me on this but is otherwise useless, so......c'est la vie!
I had some very interesting dreams last night! I attribute it to freezing half to death all night since the power was out. I kept dreaming of being snuggled up to someone with their arms wrapped around me. It was comforting and a little overwhelming....:) NICE! I could use dreams like that every night. I might not sleep very well though.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I'm sorry yesterday was hard- don't be down on yourself. Everyone's allowed an off day and if you didn't have them every now and again we'd all think something was wrong. This is HARD.
I kept dreaming of being snuggled up to someone with their arms wrapped around me. It was comforting and a little overwhelming....:) NICE! I could use dreams like that every night. I might not sleep very well though.
Now that's something to smile about!!
Well done on not reacting to Gabe. That's a huge change- great news! It's so sad that he looks bad but I think you're right to remain detached and not try to help him. He needs to help himself.
Hey Mishka, Well done for texting CG ! That was very friendly of you and also brave, takes guts to reach out to people, if its someone you feel a bit unsure about.
I used to get panic attacks and I know how horrible that is. Sounds like you were a bit overwhelmed. Maybe yuor confidence is a bit low, so perhaps you are expecting a little too much of yourself to go into a new sitch like that. I am sure you will be able to do it next time, or the time after, or maybe a time when CG would be there.. and whats wrong with wanting a friendly face to ease you into it? Thats perfectly reasonable I think.
I found NLP worked quite well for panic attacks.. you just need to take the focus out of your mind, the anxious thoughts.. so you could wear something that reminds you of a happy time, like a ring or bracelet (or put one on and THEN think of a happy relaxed time).. and wear it to stressful sitches and when you feel anxious, twiddle the bracelet and take your mind to that happy relaxed place. A quicker way, is to take your awareness to your feet.. think of your feet, get out and stamp around if necessary.. gets you out of your head.
Hope that helps a bit, in case it happens again. It helped me at those times.
I am glad you shared your worries about Marc with Gabe and it is sad that he looks like sh*t. My ex looked bad too on Tuesday, very tired, bad skin (eczema flared up), thinning hair.. and yes, it made me feel a little better that he is not all happy and loved up, so I understand your reaction!
I guess its difficult to get through to your son, becuase of his autism. Will you try talking to Gabe again about his schoolwork?
I'm sorry your cousin was a bit rubbish, people can get a little wrapped up in their own lives hey. You only just got D, so you were bound to be feeling a little fragile and in need of supportive company? Did you tell your cousin you had been upset, or did you just talk to her about the dinner?
I'm proud of myself for not reacting to him. I didn't get the nervous heart flutter I used to. 
